• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Combat pstd bf isolation behavior

Status
Not open for further replies.
G

Gugaka

My bf who has a history of combat PTSD abruptly blocked and cut off all contact with me. It feels like it was driven by something emotional/fearful. It fits with the stress cup and isolating/avoidance behavior. He's not a jerk and it isn't a normal break-up. He's 50+, a mature adult.

What seems odd to me is that he's active on the dating app where we first met. Why would someone feeling that much stress (or possibly emotionally numb) go out there trying to date other women immediately after blocking me? Can anyone offer some insight? I just want to understand what this is.

I have no idea what he's feeling because he said nothing before this sudden withdrawal. In the the morning we were in love. Our communication was always open and honest. There were no problems or arguments. Then, later that day, poof, gone, and apparently dating other women....
 
This is not all that uncommon. Its not caused by PTSD but it is a coping strategy - like drinking or gambling or doing drugs. A new relationship makes you feel great, distracts you from all the other shit in your life and - for a little while - you can pretend to your new partner that you don't have PTSD. A more established committed relationship takes work and involves emotional vulnerability.
 
Rebov, that's kind of what I was thinking. He left our relationship just at the point where we had fallen in love and were moving toward a deeper commitment. We became very close emotionally, and it seemed to trigger something in him, and he fled. It hurt that he shut me out with no communication after what we shared, but seeing him on the dating app the next day was an added blow. I know he wasn't online dating when we were together. After reading many posts on this site, I think I know in my heart what happened and why, but his behavior is so bizarre and it helps to hear that this is what sometimes occurs. Thank you.
 
You can count me in as someone who had their partner leave just as the relationship got past that initial lust stage and into the mature, love stage. It was like a light switched off. To this day I don't know if she thinks what she did was acceptable or if she thinks about it at all.

Just wanted to let you know I understand what you're going through.
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It is truly the most confusing, painful thing. It leaves so many unanswered questions and you get no closure.
I experienced this first hand only two months ago. My PTSD vet abruptly ended our relationship. One week we were talking wedding venues, the next week he violently forced me to move out of our house. He accused me of cheating and told me he'd never trust me again. He was living in a different reality. His accusations were coming from a place of insanity. It felt like an out of body experience, as everything he was saying and doing was outside the realm of what was rational and normal. In a healthy relationship, two people sit down and discuss the stressors and feelings leading up to a possible break up. Not in a my PTSD relationship. His "stress cup" overflowed, and that was the end of it. Not only did it overflow, it was explosive and caused serious damage. I believe him accusing me of cheating was a way for him to rationalize his verbal abuse and terrible actions towards me.
I began to see how the stress of the relationship started triggering him a few months before he ended it. I had never dated a person with PTSD and what I was seeing in our relationship was so foreign to me, and very confusing to say the least. HIm abruptly ended the relationship blindsided me.

Two months later, I'm still coming to terms with what happened, trying to find missing puzzle pieces, and processing the pain and trauma I endured from it all.

Whether your guy comes back, is open to talking to you, is yet to be known. I've read so many similar stories on this site. Although you must still process what has happened, the stories on this site will help bring your experience into perspective. As a person who doesn't have PTSD, I felt like I was the crazy one!! You may be feeling that way too. I think that's probably pretty normal when something like this happens.
My heart goes out to you, as I would never wish ANYONE to experience this kind of event.
 
It makes sense that his behavior seems like a reaction to some kind of “terror”. Because it’s irrational. There has to be something serious that would cause that.

I appreciate the distinction Rebov made between what is caused by PTSD and what is a chosen coping strategy.

What I have read here tells me the experience of terror and urge to flee are caused by PTSD and tragically, there is nothing the sufferer can do to stop that.

But the response to that can be managed. His choices not to communicate with me, and to distract himself by dating other women are understandable and explainable, but still poor choices for which he, as an adult, is accountable. PTSD doesn’t take away a person’s ability to think, so I believe there is some shame about it, which also contributes to his choice of “distraction dating”.

In his defense, I think this experience of terror caught him by surprise. He told me he had worked on his PTSD and had not been symptomatic for a long time. He also said that the closeness that developed between us wasn’t typical for him. We had deep feelings for each other and he seemed to really want that. He told me it was extraordinary and he was happy, and I know that was true.

I’m just letting this be, but as Abasu says, the abrupt 180 turn and lack of honest communication makes it hard to let it go. I believe it affects him too. It isn’t behavior that one feels proud of. Quite possibly, he uses his coping strategies to avoid feeling that. But I can’t believe that he feels it was acceptable. The man I knew would never find that acceptable.

I wonder if he sees me as so unsafe and/or is so ashamed of his actions that he will never contact me again. Clearly the trust I had in him has changed now that I see him more fully, but I still love him. If he would confront this, I would be willing to work through it with him, but that accountability is a non-negotiable for me. And if we can’t do that, I would at least like the ending to be one of compassion and forgiveness, rather than betrayal and shame.

I’m torn about whether I should reach out to him, to make it safe for him to contact me if and when he feels ready? Or just let it be.
 
In his case, I see elements of what is called "moral injury", which often co-exists with PTSD and for which some symptoms overlap, particularly in combat veterans. The difference is that PTSD develops from a fearful experience, whereas moral injury develops from guilt and shame over things one does or does not do in combat situations that violate one's sense of morality. The treatment for moral injury is different than the treatment for PTSD -- it's more spiritual and usually involves disclosure to peers and self-forgiveness.

He doesn't need to carry additional guilt and shame as a result of violating his sense of what is honorable in a relationship. I don't want that for him....
 
Ralilo,
I'm sorry for your situation and what happened to you as well. It sounds like there are some similarities, although the mode of pushing away looked different for each of them. Like you, I've been reading and researching just trying to understand it. The experience haunts me in so many ways.

There were some subtle signs that I thought were a little unusual, but having no prior experience with PTSD, I didn't recognize what was happening, and it blindsided me as well. It helps to hear from you, and from others on this site.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top