Hi everyone. Two Saturdays ago I had a bad PTSD episode - I couldn't stop the images, sounds, even smells of the event. I couldn't stop crying, my roommate told me that I was shaking badly, I was trying to make myself as small as possible and cram myself into the corner of my couch. Every sound or movement made me jump. I kept hitting the sides of my head begging for the images and sounds to stop - I kept repeating I just want everything to stop, I want everything to end. I only remember that before it started that I was playing with my dog and it was a bright, sunny day outside, and when they were able to get me back to reality that it was near midnight - I don't remember several hours of what happened. He told me that I kept blaming myself, I grew angry, that the voice I was speaking with wasn't my own, the person behind my eyes wasn't me, my entire personality changed. For about a week straight, I was scared to go to sleep, I refused to even lie down in my bed - I stayed up for hours playing on my computer or watching movies, if I was lucky getting an hour of sleep a day. Last Friday was the first time I was able to get some rest and since then I haven't been as terrified to go to sleep, but I feel the anxiety starting to set in again. During my episode, my brain somehow took control and registered with several resources, one of them recommending this forum for support - I don't remember doing any of that, but it's apparent that I did.
I'm not sure how things go here - I am a survivor of combat ptsd from my 2007 deployment. For 13 years I've refused to even acknowledge it - twice a year I have a minor freak out from fireworks, but beyond that I'm fine. I know I need to talk about that, but I don't know why I'm so hesitant to. I was raped by my cousin growing up and again by my ex-husband and can tell those stories without issue - it's not that I'm over them, you never get over it, but I don't find any fear or anxiety in telling those stories. When it comes to my deployment, even thinking about it makes my chest feel tight, it makes me want to run as fast as I can away from it. Even now as I type this, I can hear the sounds and see the images. I can feel myself getting angry, but I don't know why - like the SA it wasn't my fault, I had to do what I had to do because I had my orders, but it doesn't make sense to me. I know I shouldn't hate myself but I can't explain why whenever I think about that event I do.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm not sure if this is even the right step for me, but for some reason I keep typing. Thanks for letting me post and anything yall may be able to help with this I guess is what I'm asking for. I'm doing stress breathing right now, so I'm going to hit post and try to calm myself so I don't have an episode here at work. Thanks again.
I'm not sure how things go here - I am a survivor of combat ptsd from my 2007 deployment. For 13 years I've refused to even acknowledge it - twice a year I have a minor freak out from fireworks, but beyond that I'm fine. I know I need to talk about that, but I don't know why I'm so hesitant to. I was raped by my cousin growing up and again by my ex-husband and can tell those stories without issue - it's not that I'm over them, you never get over it, but I don't find any fear or anxiety in telling those stories. When it comes to my deployment, even thinking about it makes my chest feel tight, it makes me want to run as fast as I can away from it. Even now as I type this, I can hear the sounds and see the images. I can feel myself getting angry, but I don't know why - like the SA it wasn't my fault, I had to do what I had to do because I had my orders, but it doesn't make sense to me. I know I shouldn't hate myself but I can't explain why whenever I think about that event I do.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm not sure if this is even the right step for me, but for some reason I keep typing. Thanks for letting me post and anything yall may be able to help with this I guess is what I'm asking for. I'm doing stress breathing right now, so I'm going to hit post and try to calm myself so I don't have an episode here at work. Thanks again.