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Sufferer Combat PTST, DV, SA, CSA Survivor looking for help

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JTerry

New Here
Hi everyone. Two Saturdays ago I had a bad PTSD episode - I couldn't stop the images, sounds, even smells of the event. I couldn't stop crying, my roommate told me that I was shaking badly, I was trying to make myself as small as possible and cram myself into the corner of my couch. Every sound or movement made me jump. I kept hitting the sides of my head begging for the images and sounds to stop - I kept repeating I just want everything to stop, I want everything to end. I only remember that before it started that I was playing with my dog and it was a bright, sunny day outside, and when they were able to get me back to reality that it was near midnight - I don't remember several hours of what happened. He told me that I kept blaming myself, I grew angry, that the voice I was speaking with wasn't my own, the person behind my eyes wasn't me, my entire personality changed. For about a week straight, I was scared to go to sleep, I refused to even lie down in my bed - I stayed up for hours playing on my computer or watching movies, if I was lucky getting an hour of sleep a day. Last Friday was the first time I was able to get some rest and since then I haven't been as terrified to go to sleep, but I feel the anxiety starting to set in again. During my episode, my brain somehow took control and registered with several resources, one of them recommending this forum for support - I don't remember doing any of that, but it's apparent that I did.

I'm not sure how things go here - I am a survivor of combat ptsd from my 2007 deployment. For 13 years I've refused to even acknowledge it - twice a year I have a minor freak out from fireworks, but beyond that I'm fine. I know I need to talk about that, but I don't know why I'm so hesitant to. I was raped by my cousin growing up and again by my ex-husband and can tell those stories without issue - it's not that I'm over them, you never get over it, but I don't find any fear or anxiety in telling those stories. When it comes to my deployment, even thinking about it makes my chest feel tight, it makes me want to run as fast as I can away from it. Even now as I type this, I can hear the sounds and see the images. I can feel myself getting angry, but I don't know why - like the SA it wasn't my fault, I had to do what I had to do because I had my orders, but it doesn't make sense to me. I know I shouldn't hate myself but I can't explain why whenever I think about that event I do.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I'm not sure if this is even the right step for me, but for some reason I keep typing. Thanks for letting me post and anything yall may be able to help with this I guess is what I'm asking for. I'm doing stress breathing right now, so I'm going to hit post and try to calm myself so I don't have an episode here at work. Thanks again.
 
Hi JTerry :)

Welcome. :) Another vet, there's a few of us about, so as hard as even thinking that stuff gets, you're in a good company.

We also got a military group in the Group feature if reading along or posting somewhere more private would make you more comfortable. :)

Sorry things are so rough right now. I've been wondering if there's anything to help with the lack of sleep - any meds or the like that would work? Routines that usually ease your mind enough to relax a little? Music that gives any reprieve? Dogs or other pets?

Just thinking aloud atcha, no need to answer any them ;)
Seriously glad you are reaching out.
 
Welcome, @JTerry. I hope you decide to stick around because this is a healing place. Feel free to poke around and participate as you feel comfortable. There's also a Military group specifically for veterans and service members Link Removed.
 
Welcome, you are in a safe place here. I’m not military but was an undercover officer and swat officer so know the combat aspect and fought it myself for years before doing anything about it. Leaving my career didn’t help as much as I thought it would getting out of the suck zone. Anything that can be done to offer help just ask. What I have found is not everything works for everyone. I take prazosin for nightmares that works to an extent. I still have a few but not as often. For the PTSD and anxiety I take Effexor and Buspar. For sleep I take Mirtazapine that lets me slow down enough. Also have a ptsd dog that helps as much as the meds. The dog saved me from pulling the trigger to make it stop before going on meds. I completely understand where you are coming from. Again anything I can offer to help just ask.
 
Welcome! I'm another one of the vets -glad you found us!
Are you in the states and if so have you reached out to the VA or Vet Centers? They can help with getting you counseling because ya..ptsd sucks.
 
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