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Communicating again

Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by Confused_84, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    My ex is now communicating with me again, and said he is willing to talk about emotions and feelings. However, it has been just me talking about how I feel and he’s responding to me by saying “I did this XXXXX, so you shouldn’t have felt this way.” He hasn’t said once anything about his feelings. Any tips on getting him to open up to me more or should I not push too hard?
     
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    To me it sounds like he isn't really willing to open up to HIS feelings just yet.

    To me it sounds like he is in full on blame mode, saying "I did ___ so you shouldn't feel ___" Well, feelings don't really work this way! You have a right to your feelings, no matter how irrational they may seem to others. I hope you don't feel that your feelings are wrong or that you shouldn't be feeling the way that you do.

    I'm not sure how to get him to open up any more...Based on what you've said, I think he is still defensive and has a wall up, so I don't really have any advice on how to get him to open up, other than giving him more time and space to calm down.
     
    Freida, Mytime, Sietz and 1 other person like this.
  4. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    He’s very defensive and he thinks I am blaming him for things I am most definitely not. I have been trying to use I statements and not using you statements. His issue is he says I don’t trust him and never will. It’s not the case, I just have my own insecurities and when he was doing the push/pull thing, I wasn’t aware of what was going on and it left me hurt and very confused. In some ways, I feel like he feels I am not allowed to have any feelings unless those feelings are ok with him.
     
    Freida likes this.
  5. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    It sounds like he is projecting. Perhaps he doesn’t trust you and he’s flipping it around by saying you don’t trust him. That’s my guess.
     
  6. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    That very well could be.
     
  7. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

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    Yep... sounds familiar. Express sadness, confusion, or hurt, he takes it as an attack, he gets defensive, he lashes out, you feel sadness, confusion, or hurt.... lather rinse repeat.

    He probably isn't ready for a conversation like this if he can't listen to you without blame. Maybe try again later. My vet honestly tries to let me vent and listen to my issues and problems, but there are times when he just. cannot. handle. it. It turns into a garbage fire quick. It is what it is.

    Sometimes you have to wait for a better time, and hope that better time actually comes around.
     
  8. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    He can tell me when he’s pissed as hell at me, but I asked him if he still loves me and he is silent again.
     
    Freida likes this.
  9. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

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    I can't quite remember the details of your relationship. Why he's your EX? But if he hasn't sought therapy or made progress with his healing?? You can expect it to be just like last time.
     
    Freida and Mytime like this.
  10. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    He was under a lot of stress and he ghosted me and moved all of his stuff out of my house. Nothing has changed other than he’s talking to me now.
     
    Freida and LuckiLee like this.
  11. Mytime

    Mytime Well-Known Member

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    What do you want from this relationship?
     
  12. Confused_84

    Confused_84 Member

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    I’d like it to go back to how it was before he got all stressed out and he stopped being affectionate and caring.
     
    Mytime likes this.
  13. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    I don’t think things can just go back to how they were... I mean it’s a matter of taking the good with the bad, accepting that there will be loving times as well as times of more space. But given that he’s already done a ghosting of major proportions, he’s not ready for a relationship and won’t be ready for one until he has a considerable amount of treatment under his belt. IMHO.
     
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