Compelled to Run

marto

New Here
Just a month ago on New Years day I walked out on my fiance. It was like I had no control over myself. I snapped "Im done" and started to leave. I knew I needed to calm down but I was stubborn and needed some space. I potsed a couple of years ago about my relationship with her and it has been stable but still not free, just a little tense all the time.

She took me into her house and treated me like family. Her son liked me and her mom started too. She is generous and nurturing unlike anyone I had known before. She knew I suffered from mental issues and childhood trauma but after leaving this time she had a enough. She has kicked me a couple of times, one over making too much noise one night so the abandoning does go back and forth but I I could see this time when I left a switch went off.

I think the pressure of facing my commitment issues with a marriage just became to overwhelming but overtime she became family and I don't walk away from family. I can never fully commit and then I neglect them til they leave and I wallow in regret. Is this normal for abandonment issues to ruin relationships when they reach the next level of commitment?
 
Not sure if it's regarded as normal or typical. That's not really important imo.

Have you sought out some kind of assistance? Sounds like you had a good relationship but even if you don't think it was okay, the pattern you described and how you feel now may benefit from some professional help.
 
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Friday

Moderator
Ditto... can’t speak to normal.

Off the top of my head I can think of a couple of dozen “things” that often blow relationships up when they’re reaching the next level of commitment. (Just from Trauma & PTSD land, including abandonment issues, and all or nothing thinking, and dysreg, and stress cup stuff, and, and, and, and)... AS WELL AS... the exact same issue causing the exact opposite result, and not having any effect on relationships at all.

As it’s much like... is it normal to crash your car if you drink & drive? Or if you’re tired? Or if you hit a deer? Because it really doesn’t matter if it’s normal, if it’s what’s happening in your life, it’s a problem. It can be super common or super rare, but that just tells you about other people.

Whether you’re ending relationships due to abandonment issues, clinging to relationships long dead because of your abandonment issues, passionately pouring energy into amazing relationships because of your abandonment issues, or your relationships aren’t affected by your abandonment issues? It really only matters how your life is affected & what you want to do about it.

Don’t get me wrong... seeking common ground & the wealth of shared experience can be a great step towards making the changes you want to see in your life. (And knowing that something is common CAN be helpful, at least to some degree.) But 50 people can say “Oh yeah! I totally do that!!!” for 50 different reasons, and yet? Still get you no closer towards your own goals. Know what I mean?

***

One of my favourite therapists used to take each situation/pattern driving me mad, and help me break it down into composite pieces. Okay, so there’s an abandonment piece, and a control piece, and a this piece, and a that piece, etc.. First to help me see the complex interplay involved (and probably cliff-noting for himself;) which also allowed me to challenge his interpretation (or question it, or add onto it); then once I could SEE what was involved, begin to work with those pieces, both in that situation & where they were cropping up elsewhere. It was one of the most useful things I’ve ever come across. Both because it was my own unique cocktail rather than a McSolution to a McProblem, and because by teasing out the pieces that went into making a whole? I didn’t have to duplicate the situation to work on the pieces that went into that situation. Sure, eventually I’d duplicate it, more or less... but by then? I’d already have miles and miles of experience in sorting the individual components and various combos of them, before finding myself eyeballs deep.
 
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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
She kicked you.

This is completely unacceptable behavior. PLEASE make sure this issue is resolved before you get married. Physical abuse is never acceptable.
 

marto

New Here
Not sure if it's regarded as normal or typical. That's not really important imo.

Have you sought out some kind of assistance? Sounds like you had a good relationship but even if you don't think it was okay, the pattern you described and how you feel now may benefit from some professional help.
Yes, we went to a social worker and 2 therapists. One recommended that I try to be successful independently. He think because of the childhood trauma I missed out becoming an adult in a healthy way and I agree. It's like I'm still chasing being a late teen and young adult even though that was 20 years ago. I have never been really independent and happy, just existing. I didn't want to leave her so I kept holding on but the pressure of marriage doesn't relent so the smallest thing caused me to blow up and leave. Now she's had enough. My parents marriage was terrible and I said to myself when I was a kid that I didn't want to end up like them. I think that trauma is imbedded in my psyche and I subcounciously steer away from committment.
 

marto

New Here
Ditto... can’t speak to normal.

Off the top of my head I can think of a couple of dozen “things” that often blow relationships up when they’re reaching the next level of commitment. (Just from Trauma & PTSD land, including abandonment issues, and all or nothing thinking, and dysreg, and stress cup stuff, and, and, and, and)... AS WELL AS... the exact same issue causing the exact opposite result, and not having any effect on relationships at all.

As it’s much like... is it normal to crash your car if you drink & drive? Or if you’re tired? Or if you hit a deer? Because it really doesn’t matter if it’s normal, if it’s what’s happening in your life, it’s a problem. It can be super common or super rare, but that just tells you about other people.

Whether you’re ending relationships due to abandonment issues, clinging to relationships long dead because of your abandonment issues, passionately pouring energy into amazing relationships because of your abandonment issues, or your relationships aren’t affected by your abandonment issues? It really only matters how your life is affected & what you want to do about it.

Don’t get me wrong... seeking common ground & the wealth of shared experience can be a great step towards making the changes you want to see in your life. (And knowing that something is common CAN be helpful, at least to some degree.) But 50 people can say “Oh yeah! I totally do that!!!” for 50 different reasons, and yet? Still get you no closer towards your own goals. Know what I mean?

***

One of my favourite therapists used to take each situation/pattern driving me mad, and help me break it down into composite pieces. Okay, so there’s an abandonment piece, and a control piece, and a this piece, and a that piece, etc.. First to help me see the complex interplay involved (and probably cliff-noting for himself;) which also allowed me to challenge his interpretation (or question it, or add onto it); then once I could SEE what was involved, begin to work with those pieces, both in that situation & where they were cropping up elsewhere. It was one of the most useful things I’ve ever come across. Both because it was my own unique cocktail rather than a McSolution to a McProblem, and because by teasing out the pieces that went into making a whole? I didn’t have to duplicate the situation to work on the pieces that went into that situation. Sure, eventually I’d duplicate it, more or less... but by then? I’d already have miles and miles of experience in sorting the individual components and various combos of them, before finding myself eyeballs deep.
Original poster-must have not been logged in.

I never thought of it like the drinking and driving analogy you gave. I do realize when I left it was a fight or flight response. It was like I was suffocating with pressure. I just reacted like I do in other conflict situations. I really need to start looking at it more technically instead how I think I'm supposed to react.

Other than talking about it with therapists, have you tried any other solutions like guided meditation or EMDR? I think haven't much progress talking it out with therapists.

< Mod Edit: guest posts attributed to member >
 
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