M
Mats
Hi everyone!
I’m new to this forum, and actually this is my first time I’ve written an online forum post. I’m a thirty-eight-year old male from Scandinavia. English is not my mother tongue, which explains my potential typos and grammatical errors. I’m an MD and I have a PhD and a specialist degree. Currently I’m specializing in psychiatry and I’ve received only positive feedback from my work. I’m popular with my friends and women. I’m in physically fit and quite good looking. I’m from poor background, but I’ve managed to earn a decent living and buy my own apartment. From outside, my life is seemingly perfect, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve hated my life for at least 25 years and wanted to die most of the time.
My parents divorced when I was six, and I’m the only child. My father was a mean drunk, who was verbally extremely abusive and I’ve witnessed him assault people at least five times, although he didn’t hit me. When I was staying at his place as a child, he usually didn’t buy me any food but he always remembered to buy himself beer. Since I was a seven, he always told me about his liaisons with prostitutes, stole my savings several times and constantly threatened to abandon me by moving to another country. My mother was a workaholic and I had to spend most of my days by myself. I had to do my groceries and laundry and do all the household chores.
When I was eight, my friend’s big brother put a stiletto on my throat. He bullied me and my friend daily for four straight years and it’s impossible to say how many times I got my ass kicked between ages seven and ten. When I was twelve, my mother remarried, but for some reason, her new husband hated me and basically completely ignored me. Six months could go by without his saying more than one sentence to me and it was always the same one “Nice weather”. The only times he spoke to me more was when he told me how much he loathed me. My mother blamed me for not wanting to spend more time with them and kept reminding me how disappointed she was because of my behavior.
I drank alcohol the first time when I was ten. When I was twelve, I got seriously assaulted by a guy probably four years older than me. He kicked me in the head several times when I was lying on the ground and hit me in the head with a stick. It happened when we were camping with my friend for a whole weekend just the two of us. After that I started hanging out with children from foster homes. We began drinking alcohol every weekend and when I was fourteen, I started smoking cannabis daily. During those times, I got seriously beaten at least times leading to a broken jaw, injured hypophysis that caused a central hypothyreosis and ruptured eardrum. I had to take care of my broken jaw just by myself, even though I was only fifteen and it got operated without my parents being there. Due to my good grades, no teacher saw my desperation. Later in my adulthood I’ve had episodes of binging with alcohol and basically all the drugs there are just to feel something, but I haven’t developed and addiction, and my inebriant use nowadays is very limited. Also during young adulthood, I was threatened with a gun and almost lost sight from my left eye.
I also developed a severe insomnia, which is worse than I’ve seen in any of my approximately 15,000 patients. I haven’t slept without medication in eight years, but I’ve spent countless sleepless nights without them. When I was fifteen, I started feeling that something had died inside me. I couldn’t feel anything positive and most of the time I still can’t. I just feel this abstract anxiety, depression, sadness and loneliness. I’m jumpy, hypervigilant and constantly thinking of death. I can’t go to the same area I grew up in and I can’t meet my father or mother without collapsing to a flashback. I have terrible flashbacks and have nightmares almost every night. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression and would probably tick all the boxes for complex PTSD. If I woman touches me, my natural reaction is to pull away. And I know that my feelings can’t be seen from outside; I seem like this extremely outgoing and self-confident person. Six years ago I tried to end my life by injecting 800 mgs of liquid nicotine to my quadriceps, drinking a bottle of scotch and ingesting 80 tablets of 10 mg Valiums. I only developed a lower limb paresis and rhabdomyolysis, but did not suffer any permanent injury. I have terrible problems in relationships and went through a divorce mostly because of my suicide attempt. I never act or lash out to other people, but I just feel isolated, even if I’m in company. It feels like there’s this insulating layer between me and others.
I’ve been single for 4 years, and I don’t seem to be able to commit to anyone, but I can easily maintain friendships. Normally I would have a high libido, but most of the time I feel completely unable to arouse, if the other person likes me. The only times I like sex is when there’s no commitment, even that’s the opposite I want. I’ve tried every single medication there is, and only lamotrigine seems to help marginally. I’ve been in psychodynamic therapy for two years, two years in CBT and now in EMDR for 6 months. Nowadays, my life consists taking care of my patients and otherwise spending time by myself, although I do meet friends once a week. I’m completely exhausted and I can’t summon any more willpower. I’m such a determined person that I’m afraid that I will commit a suicide in the near future. I have the method and the means. It’s not about life being especially horrible right now, it’s just I can’t find a reason to keep on struggling. I don’t hate myself. I have respect myself, but have never been able to see myself as this robot-like figure who just pushes through anything, even I hate every second of it. But now I can’t make myself do it anymore. I feel like I’m whining and there are so many people having it worse than I do, but I just had to explain myself to someone.
I’d like to hear if someone who can relate to my situation has found help from some method I forgot to mention.
Take care everyone!
Mikko
I’m new to this forum, and actually this is my first time I’ve written an online forum post. I’m a thirty-eight-year old male from Scandinavia. English is not my mother tongue, which explains my potential typos and grammatical errors. I’m an MD and I have a PhD and a specialist degree. Currently I’m specializing in psychiatry and I’ve received only positive feedback from my work. I’m popular with my friends and women. I’m in physically fit and quite good looking. I’m from poor background, but I’ve managed to earn a decent living and buy my own apartment. From outside, my life is seemingly perfect, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve hated my life for at least 25 years and wanted to die most of the time.
My parents divorced when I was six, and I’m the only child. My father was a mean drunk, who was verbally extremely abusive and I’ve witnessed him assault people at least five times, although he didn’t hit me. When I was staying at his place as a child, he usually didn’t buy me any food but he always remembered to buy himself beer. Since I was a seven, he always told me about his liaisons with prostitutes, stole my savings several times and constantly threatened to abandon me by moving to another country. My mother was a workaholic and I had to spend most of my days by myself. I had to do my groceries and laundry and do all the household chores.
When I was eight, my friend’s big brother put a stiletto on my throat. He bullied me and my friend daily for four straight years and it’s impossible to say how many times I got my ass kicked between ages seven and ten. When I was twelve, my mother remarried, but for some reason, her new husband hated me and basically completely ignored me. Six months could go by without his saying more than one sentence to me and it was always the same one “Nice weather”. The only times he spoke to me more was when he told me how much he loathed me. My mother blamed me for not wanting to spend more time with them and kept reminding me how disappointed she was because of my behavior.
I drank alcohol the first time when I was ten. When I was twelve, I got seriously assaulted by a guy probably four years older than me. He kicked me in the head several times when I was lying on the ground and hit me in the head with a stick. It happened when we were camping with my friend for a whole weekend just the two of us. After that I started hanging out with children from foster homes. We began drinking alcohol every weekend and when I was fourteen, I started smoking cannabis daily. During those times, I got seriously beaten at least times leading to a broken jaw, injured hypophysis that caused a central hypothyreosis and ruptured eardrum. I had to take care of my broken jaw just by myself, even though I was only fifteen and it got operated without my parents being there. Due to my good grades, no teacher saw my desperation. Later in my adulthood I’ve had episodes of binging with alcohol and basically all the drugs there are just to feel something, but I haven’t developed and addiction, and my inebriant use nowadays is very limited. Also during young adulthood, I was threatened with a gun and almost lost sight from my left eye.
I also developed a severe insomnia, which is worse than I’ve seen in any of my approximately 15,000 patients. I haven’t slept without medication in eight years, but I’ve spent countless sleepless nights without them. When I was fifteen, I started feeling that something had died inside me. I couldn’t feel anything positive and most of the time I still can’t. I just feel this abstract anxiety, depression, sadness and loneliness. I’m jumpy, hypervigilant and constantly thinking of death. I can’t go to the same area I grew up in and I can’t meet my father or mother without collapsing to a flashback. I have terrible flashbacks and have nightmares almost every night. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression and would probably tick all the boxes for complex PTSD. If I woman touches me, my natural reaction is to pull away. And I know that my feelings can’t be seen from outside; I seem like this extremely outgoing and self-confident person. Six years ago I tried to end my life by injecting 800 mgs of liquid nicotine to my quadriceps, drinking a bottle of scotch and ingesting 80 tablets of 10 mg Valiums. I only developed a lower limb paresis and rhabdomyolysis, but did not suffer any permanent injury. I have terrible problems in relationships and went through a divorce mostly because of my suicide attempt. I never act or lash out to other people, but I just feel isolated, even if I’m in company. It feels like there’s this insulating layer between me and others.
I’ve been single for 4 years, and I don’t seem to be able to commit to anyone, but I can easily maintain friendships. Normally I would have a high libido, but most of the time I feel completely unable to arouse, if the other person likes me. The only times I like sex is when there’s no commitment, even that’s the opposite I want. I’ve tried every single medication there is, and only lamotrigine seems to help marginally. I’ve been in psychodynamic therapy for two years, two years in CBT and now in EMDR for 6 months. Nowadays, my life consists taking care of my patients and otherwise spending time by myself, although I do meet friends once a week. I’m completely exhausted and I can’t summon any more willpower. I’m such a determined person that I’m afraid that I will commit a suicide in the near future. I have the method and the means. It’s not about life being especially horrible right now, it’s just I can’t find a reason to keep on struggling. I don’t hate myself. I have respect myself, but have never been able to see myself as this robot-like figure who just pushes through anything, even I hate every second of it. But now I can’t make myself do it anymore. I feel like I’m whining and there are so many people having it worse than I do, but I just had to explain myself to someone.
I’d like to hear if someone who can relate to my situation has found help from some method I forgot to mention.
Take care everyone!
Mikko