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Complicated grief

Discussion in 'Death' started by trying2movefwd, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. trying2movefwd

    trying2movefwd I'm a VIP

    Sooo. My biological Father passed away February 10th of colon cancer. He did not raise me. I had an occasional relationship with him. We did find closure in the last few years. He hated the trauma I endured. He felt responsible since he wasn't there in my life to rescue me from it. I forgave him. I allowed him a relationship with my kids...his grandkids. They saw him about once a month before he got sick. I had to help plan his arrangements . . so now I am grieving which I never thought I would do. Family members act like I should treat it as no big deal... After all not much has changed....except now both of my parents are gone. I am having all these thoughts, emotions, i don't know how to process. My depression has returned. I do not understand what is going on with me. A friend invited me to a griefshare support group..but I am reluctant to go. Aren't those for people who were "close"...??? My Mom passed May 05, My firstborn daughter June 06, a fantastic childhood friend March 2016, two grandma's, one grandpa.....I am 35. I have ptsd from childhood trauma crap, mental illness runs in my family. I have two kiddos to take care of...they keep me going. I love them so much. . . but my depression has me feeling exhausted. . . or is this just grief? I don't even understand why I am bothered.
    Ronin and Fadeaway like this.
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  3. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Donated

    First of all, I am so sorry they are acting like it isn't a big deal. It is a BIG deal. You didn't just loose a parent, you lost the potential for strengthening your relationship. Just be cause he didn't raise you and you had limited contact, doesn't mean you didn't have a strong connection to him as your father. The potential for your children to have a relationship with him is also a loss. Being an adult orphan, it's tough.

    You also have had a lot of deaths, that could be bringing up buried emotions from previous deaths. I know first hand that you never get over the death of a child.

    Your thread really stuck a cord with me, because I have lost people on either the same dates or same month and year. I had a death on Feb 10th too. Child death anniversary in June etc. I think it would be a great idea to go to the grief support group. Not just because of your dad, but due to the previous deaths, and unresolved grief from those.
    Marinna, She Cat, Vee and 3 others like this.
  4. trying2movefwd

    trying2movefwd I'm a VIP

    Thank you Fadeaway.
    Fadeaway likes this.
  5. Vee

    Vee Active Member

    I agree with everything Fadeaway said. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Why? In November 2014, I lost my best friend. I found his body. But I never dealt completely with all of the other traumatic things in my life that came before that. Witnessing abuse as a child, being neglected as a child, a car accident, other losses (I don't want to reveal anything too specific)...I could be a soap opera. The point is as each thing happens, it compounds the stress responses in your brain. I was so bad I could barely function. I was having panic attacks any time I was alone. Intensive grief counseling helped me tremendously. I went to my own individual counseling, as well as group counseling for those with traumatic loss.
    Marinna, Ronin and Fadeaway like this.
  6. KwanYingirl

    KwanYingirl I'm a VIP

    “awakening Through Change and Loss” a talk by Tara Brach on YouTube is a video that has been helping my own grief journey. Perhaps it can hound you and give you some ways to process it.
    Marinna likes this.
  7. KwanYingirl

    KwanYingirl I'm a VIP

    Ground you NOT hound you!!
  8. Marinna

    Marinna Active Member

    My dad was an absentee alcholic. My mum an abuser. He died when I was 15 and I did not grieve at all. Took me 9 years to feel anything or grieve. You do not owe anyone (or yourself) a rationilsation for your feelings. For me, the worst thing was the guilt at not grieving. Why should any of that that fall on your shoulders?

    Grief is natural on losing a parent. Completley natural. I barely spoke to my dad, but biologically I am half of him. I am entitled to grieve and am also entitled to reject that grief. Did I understand that when he died? Nope.

    You have lost someone. You are entitled to feel whatever the hell you like about that. Grief? Deppresion? What the hell. It is suffering. You are suffering because you lost your dad. You are allowed to suffer that loss. Please, please, please allow yourself that.

    Dads should protect and nurture just like mums. Yours couldn't do that (for whatever reason). You are suffering the loss of the dad you SHOULD have had and the dad you did have. :"(
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