Kintsugi
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For about 3-4 years now, I've been struggling with compulsively talking to myself--yes, out f*cking loud--in this fashion:
"You should kill yourself."
"You're so f*cking stupid."
"I hate you."
"You should go die."
&c
To combat that, I argue back. Yes. Out f*cking loud.
"You should kill--no, I don't want to kill myself."
"I hate you. No I don't."
"You're so f*cking stupid. No. Calm yourself, Simon."
It was one of my chief concerns when I began therapy over two and a half years ago. My T really wasn't concerned. My main worry was that someone would eventually hear me at work, and they would think I was psychotic. My T promised that she would attest that I was not psychotic. Somehow having my therapist write to work to say I was not psychotic should I be confronted has been of little comfort.
She said that what I was doing (arguing aloud with myself) was the best way to deal with it. But it has been over three years. And this is still happening. And I have close calls all the time--people who might've heard me. Once, I said "I hate you" in front of my boyfriend, and he thought I was speaking to him, and it was sort of a mess. Like, how do you convince someone that was actually the voice in your head come manifest.
Has anyone else struggled with this and found a good way to solve it? So far my best efforts are to repeat the words, "Calm down, Simon," and--I don't know why this particular sentence--"Hold onto yourself, Simon." The latter helps me ground somehow. But it's always after the fact. I want to stop talking to myself out loud in degrading ways. Whenever my stress kicks up, it worsens, and this semester will likely be very stressful. I already have an uptick in suicidal ideation, negative self-talk, isolating behaviors, and a general feeling of self-disgust. And it's only week one.
In her TED Talk about Superbetter, Jane McGonigal asserts that science shows following up a negative emotion with three positive ones overrides the negative one. Maybe I need an arsenal of affirmations to deploy? But it really seems f*cking futile. I just want to stop feeling crazy.
"You should kill yourself."
"You're so f*cking stupid."
"I hate you."
"You should go die."
&c
To combat that, I argue back. Yes. Out f*cking loud.
"You should kill--no, I don't want to kill myself."
"I hate you. No I don't."
"You're so f*cking stupid. No. Calm yourself, Simon."
It was one of my chief concerns when I began therapy over two and a half years ago. My T really wasn't concerned. My main worry was that someone would eventually hear me at work, and they would think I was psychotic. My T promised that she would attest that I was not psychotic. Somehow having my therapist write to work to say I was not psychotic should I be confronted has been of little comfort.
She said that what I was doing (arguing aloud with myself) was the best way to deal with it. But it has been over three years. And this is still happening. And I have close calls all the time--people who might've heard me. Once, I said "I hate you" in front of my boyfriend, and he thought I was speaking to him, and it was sort of a mess. Like, how do you convince someone that was actually the voice in your head come manifest.
Has anyone else struggled with this and found a good way to solve it? So far my best efforts are to repeat the words, "Calm down, Simon," and--I don't know why this particular sentence--"Hold onto yourself, Simon." The latter helps me ground somehow. But it's always after the fact. I want to stop talking to myself out loud in degrading ways. Whenever my stress kicks up, it worsens, and this semester will likely be very stressful. I already have an uptick in suicidal ideation, negative self-talk, isolating behaviors, and a general feeling of self-disgust. And it's only week one.
In her TED Talk about Superbetter, Jane McGonigal asserts that science shows following up a negative emotion with three positive ones overrides the negative one. Maybe I need an arsenal of affirmations to deploy? But it really seems f*cking futile. I just want to stop feeling crazy.