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Compulsive negative self-talk

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Kintsugi

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For about 3-4 years now, I've been struggling with compulsively talking to myself--yes, out f*cking loud--in this fashion:
"You should kill yourself."
"You're so f*cking stupid."
"I hate you."
"You should go die."
&c

To combat that, I argue back. Yes. Out f*cking loud.
"You should kill--no, I don't want to kill myself."
"I hate you. No I don't."
"You're so f*cking stupid. No. Calm yourself, Simon."

It was one of my chief concerns when I began therapy over two and a half years ago. My T really wasn't concerned. My main worry was that someone would eventually hear me at work, and they would think I was psychotic. My T promised that she would attest that I was not psychotic. Somehow having my therapist write to work to say I was not psychotic should I be confronted has been of little comfort.

She said that what I was doing (arguing aloud with myself) was the best way to deal with it. But it has been over three years. And this is still happening. And I have close calls all the time--people who might've heard me. Once, I said "I hate you" in front of my boyfriend, and he thought I was speaking to him, and it was sort of a mess. Like, how do you convince someone that was actually the voice in your head come manifest.

Has anyone else struggled with this and found a good way to solve it? So far my best efforts are to repeat the words, "Calm down, Simon," and--I don't know why this particular sentence--"Hold onto yourself, Simon." The latter helps me ground somehow. But it's always after the fact. I want to stop talking to myself out loud in degrading ways. Whenever my stress kicks up, it worsens, and this semester will likely be very stressful. I already have an uptick in suicidal ideation, negative self-talk, isolating behaviors, and a general feeling of self-disgust. And it's only week one.

In her TED Talk about Superbetter, Jane McGonigal asserts that science shows following up a negative emotion with three positive ones overrides the negative one. Maybe I need an arsenal of affirmations to deploy? But it really seems f*cking futile. I just want to stop feeling crazy.
 
Jane McGonigal asserts that science shows following up a negative emotion with three positive ones overrides the negative one. Maybe I need an arsenal of affirmations to deploy? But it really seems f*cking futile. I just want to stop feeling crazy.

I hope this is true because I am going to be trying it too along with you. I want to stop feeling crazy too. I have a very vicious inner critic and I do not talk to myself out loud but I get hurt by my inner critic so much lately and it does have crazy effects on me. I spiral down so fast. So I am going to try this.

Someone will come along that has an answer for you soon.
 
Sometimes adding a physical gesture helps? Your mileage may vary...

(Long) example: I have trouble noticing when I'm hungry. I started to make the ASL sign for food whenever I was hungry and wordless. It was like a reflex. Over time, I started to make that sign earlier, before actually getting nonverbal (or consciously noticing hunger), and that was my signal to feed myself. Now, I notice myself wanting to do that gesture, and know I need food.

So maybe you can choose a gesture, e.g. putting one finger to your lips, like "shh. Calm down, Simon." If you hear yourself saying these things, you use the gesture. Over time, you might get better, using that gesture before you actually finish saying these things out loud. Then, before you even start - before you are conciously aware you want to say such things.
 
Have you tried learning a three step Self Compassion Break Simon? Or the three step Three Minute Breathing Space. They are both available online both as guided audio, and as text you can write out a whole bunch of times so you can start doing it for yourself. I still struggling with doing them both at times, but it really helps when I do it consistently. The Self Compassion Break is available, (audio to download and text to read) from Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion. I have done it 20 times today already. You have to practise it a lot so you have it in your tool box when you are engaged in negative self talk. I totally get what you are saying to yourself and why. I do it as well. It is difficult when you say it out loud and someone else is there and present. The Three Minute Breathing Space is available for free from the Frantic World website and there is a creativity Mindfulness exercise that might interest you there as well on the resources page I think it is. You can download various other guided audio of the Three Minute Breathing Space from youtube and other sources. It is finding one that works for you.

The physical gesture of the Self Compassion Break is what got me able to do it, and you can do the physical gesture in ways that no one else knows what you are doing.

The Perth Meditation Centre has a range of meditations that you can listen to for free, but you have to buy to have with you. But there is so much free stuff out there, that you have lots to choose from.

Another thing I do is have "The Mindful Way Through Depression" audio book on repeat, either out load like music, which is fine at home, or through ear bud elsewhere. Another one that is good is "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety" which is also available on audio book.

Trying to learn something rather than engage with your inner self destructive self talk, can temporarily distract you from the destructive self talk. Learn a long poem like the "The Rime of the Ancyent Marinere" (so you are just learning one or two lines per day), or bizarrely I am learning a challenging subject at it's basics at this time. So I am low level learning, and it does take up brain space.

One thing we have done a few times on this forum is "The Happiness Challenge" and despite how simple it is, I did improve a bit whilst doing it.

I have done the 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course quite a few times now - four times in real life, and half a dozen as a challenge with others on this forum. I don't know if that would be of assistance to you, because really you need to have strategies of Self Compassion and combatting that self talk before you start such a MBSR course. I didn't and it was a disaster for me.

Another simple one is pushing your feet into the ground and "crushing" the negative self talk, mostly my feet touch the ground. This is just something I made up, for myself.

I really struggle with this - and do talk back to it as well.
 
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Thanks for the multitude of resources, dear Dancing Queen. :) I'll definitely look into those. I've never done all 21 days, but I have practiced the Happiness Challenge in the past, and it has definitely been helpful for me, although I didn't find it simple because it requires time, energy, and sometimes going out (to perform a good deed, although I thought up many good deeds that don't require any human interaction). Otherwise, I've not tried any of those resources.
 
For me - yeah I relate to a lot of that, I still have moments but nowhere near as badly. It's late though and I'll come back to the thread to give you my thoughts... but you know what my angle was... I was determined and bold about living a conscious self directed life proactively rather than dealing with stuff on the back end. And for me, it seemed to ease just barely noticeably at first... then for longer periods when I kept up my three things each day goal (one was better than none, but two was good and three were best) of something physical, something mental/emotionally nurturing/healing/curative and something inspirational or spiritual. It became a behavior to set my head that way and then to learn how to restart the day when I'd get messed up. As it improved... all that stuff faded into the background except for some very very specific situations.

My diary has all the breadcrumbs... it's just such a pain in the bohunkous to get to the middle of it. Will answer more fully later.
 
No usefup suggestions to make just wanted to say I do this too. And with me it's worse during bad stressful times. It almost has a mild tourettes like feelung to it.

I think it may have something to do with repression somehow. The words are trying to burst out of the repression or something.
 
@EveHarrington Because these negative thoughts burst through aloud, I'm not sure a passive radical acceptance type model would really work, because they aren't really just thoughts; this symptom is an action, and that action is worrisome because it feels impossible to control. I did ignore it for a long time before I began talking back. I wasn't sure what else to do but ignore it at first. I have several disruptive symptoms that I deal with by acknowledging them and letting go--mild visual and auditory hallucinations and such that really don't bother me too much anymore. But this one feels very threatening because it's overt.
 
Do you respond well to any smells @Simply Simon? The olfactory nerve is the first cranial nerve, so it might be of use to you, but if you can engage that sense it can potentially shift things.

The other one is an ice pack on the back of your neck. But you can only really gaffer tape that to your neck when you are at home? Potentially hold an ice cube? Or an ice block.

If you visual you could have an image that is calming and potentially shifts you?

If you are kinesthetic, some thing along kinesthetic learning strategies might be of interest.

If you are tactile something around your wrist or a caress or gesture that shifts slightly.

You have to practise things like this over and over, when you are okay, so then you get to practise it over and over, when you are not so good.

Buddies are good to cheer you on. Or share strategies.
 
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