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Confronting Fear of Rejection

Discussion in 'General' started by Lisa, Mar 10, 2007.

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  1. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

    Okay, I am going to try to confront a couple of issues with myself here, and I know the best way is to charge at it and hope for the best. I hope this works.

    By my standards lately, yesterday was a good day for me. I made a decision, and I stuck to it. I felt better for it. But I got a sharp realisation that this is going to take a little more than day to day management.

    I have noticed a lot of people saying you need to confront things to deal with them, and have said it myself. I thought I knew what that meant. I realised, I'm still a complete wreck and think I have a long way to go. I felt more in control yesterday, because I practically gained some control. Then the night came, and I read on here, and I completely freaked out! I have thought it over in the calm of the day, and realised there were two things going on.

    I'm not a hard person to get close to. Most people find me easy to talk to and trust. But I have come to realise that this doesn't mean I am such an open book. I can let people get close to me with their stuff, but it just doesn't happen the other way around. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has this issue. So being here, on this forum, is more of a big deal to me than I ever realised, and am beginning to understand that I can confront a lot of things here, as so many people seem to.

    So... I'm terrified of my feelings. I'm terrified of feeling. Anything at all. And I'm even more terrified of expressing feelings to others. In person, and online I am someone who talks logically. I can talk about emotions, the affect they have on others and myself. But when I am writing about feelings I am having at the time, or talking about them - It becomes a scary beast. Every therapist/counsellor/psych I have ever seen has always commented on my 'controlled' state. Almost in amazement. I never cried, never really brought emotion into it really. Which is ironic because I was always talking about how I had been feeling.

    And the issue has come up again. I get very frightened in posting my feelings. Not just nervous, but actually frightened. And I felt the full force of that last night. I mean, who's going to be interested in me and my problems? But something triggered me last night (the second issue). It being night time meant my adrenalin on was 'on' as usual. So any reason to feel unsafe and it was hitting me right where it hurts. And it affected how I felt about this board, I started to feel unsafe.

    I have thought a lot today, and with some helpful advice and a different viewpoint from somebody here, I have realised my issue. It had little to do with here at all, and so much more to do with me, my past, and my PTSD. Having realised that, the safety issue in reagrds to here, is completely gone, and feel reassured. The moderators, and Anthony are keeping us safe. Which I am so pleased about :) Realising it has solved it. Insight is a powerful thing. Healing, even?

    But because I posted at the time that I was feeling it, I immediately regretted it and was trying to delete it, and couldn't. I suddenly felt paranoid, another thing I am sure was fuelled by the time of night and the state I get into. I was sure that I was going to wake up this morning and find a million hate messages. I didn't. But have been on edge all day for fear of ostracision, obsessively checking the boards all day long totally on edge.

    Why? Hell knows, it is totally illogical! (At least I hope so, I hope nobody hates me here!) Probably something to do with being ostracised in school. But I've always wanted to be liked, loved, and instead I was hated. I couldn't understand why, what I was doing to cause that. It's something I still feel intense shame about. I just assumed that there was something I didn't know about that everyone could see. I am now constantly in fear that I am going to be rejected, I guess. Something I should work on, and am trying to confront by being open and honest here. And I am still terrified about this post. But perhaps it will squash it by doing this.

    It all seems kind of silly now, and maybe you guys will read this and wonder what on earth I am playing at making this thread about me, and my stupid issues. Thinking Who is this fool, acting like she should be making threads entirely about herself? But I won't find out what you guys think unless I give you the chance.

    Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

    shimmerz likes this.
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Well, that all sounds completely normal to me!

    I see that as normal PTSD issues. You are not silly or wierd or anything else. Simply one of us, struggling with the same issues that we have.

    When I first came on here, I was alway paranoid of being rejected or told off. I still said it like I seen it though. Now, if someone gets like that I tend to ask why? What is going on within them to make them react that way. I also like to see another point of view, as I can be very stubborn with mine. I know that I won't be tossed away from the forum just because of a point of view.

    I have long struggled with my emotions... I either have none or way too much. No control at all. I find it very difficult to dig at emotions and express them. I'm getting better though. Slowly I am able to express them as anything other than anger and share them here.

    Also, the safety issue. Yes, we all work hard to keep everyone here safe. Somedays it can be very triggering for us as well. Be assured, that we work hard behind the scenes to ensure the forum is as safe as possible. If you have concerns, use the bell to report a post or pm. We will take care of it in an appropriate manner..

    K have to stop typing cause my laptop has heated up my lap! LOL, have to put it on a table to cool off for a bit.

    shimmerz likes this.
  4. Portabella

    Portabella Well-Known Member

    I really do understand how you feel. I go through the same feelings. I cover by saying I don't care, but I do.

  5. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member


    I so understand where you're coming from. What you've written above...I could have written. And there have been many posts that after I submitted I would have given anything to un-submitt it for the fear or rejection that it has caused me. One of the reasons I feel safe here is because no one has ever said, 'you're wrong, you're stupid, you don't know what you're talking about, etc.' All of the things I heard growing up. I've gotten support and understanding here...and a lot of nice people who don't look at me like I have two heads when I talk about my anxiety or my fears or whatever.

    BTW-my therapist has told me that I'm a world class 'stuffer' when it comes to dealing with feelings and emotions. And I'm working on stopping it...and it's so much harder than it sounds. That fear of rejection sure does teach one how to stuff it down deep.

    You're not silly, you don't have stupid issues...none of us do. We're all here working on healing and getting better and making our lives better.
  6. madjon

    madjon Active Member

    there is nothing silly or illogical about what you have said, the fear of rejection is the greatest thing that holds people back in life, ive posted things or said things which ive wanted to undo at times, been guarded and not let my self show through, the fear of rejection is something which can cause a lot of pain and it isnt a selfish post to write about it because everybody at some point has that fear the fear of being rejected or hurt, talking with people close to me they say im a person who shows a lot of emotion or can be as cold as ice, when im dealing with others i can be open or free, but when it comes to me then i have fears that stop me speaking, the fear of rejection or of being hurt, i work on it all the time, its not illogical or irrelevant its very relevant and very logical to say its there, so dont worry about saying you have it, its very relevant and it is something you want to say but have had trouble saying, that is the greatest thing to do, to overcome that fear and say something, so do not be afraid of rejection or thinking its illogical, its the way a lot of people feel at times, sometimes the sod it im going to stick it down and go with it approach does work and we see we find that we arent rejected, and in a way thats scary as well, but write what you need or feel and dont be afraid of rejection,
    shimmerz likes this.
  7. slhlilbit

    slhlilbit Active Member

    I too can relate I question everything. You are doing fine people here realy do understand. no rejection here
  8. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

    Thank you

    I just wanted to say thank you!

    This really helped :) I feel so much more able to come and sit with you guys, on my bean bag with my hot chocolate, and not feel like an intruder.

    You are all amazing.

    shimmerz likes this.
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