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Dom Violence Confused and a little angry... feel guilty for reporting BF and for protecting him

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joanna1990

So myself and my current partner have been together for about a year and a half. First year was bliss, the only exception him being being a little immature at times, in contrast to me being very independent. He was financially dependent on me, which caused a lot of stress and frustration for me.

After a year things turned violent. I’ve never considered myself a victim and in fact quite the opposite. I’m straight talking, to the point and not afraid to voice my needs. This I feel is part of my current problem. He became more and more violent over the last 6 months, not just with me but also my child. He clearly felt in competition with my little boy and essentially tried to dominate him by being overly authoritarian. Forcing him into his room etc etc, at one point causing bruising. One night when the violence went to extremes, I secretly called the cops.

He was arrested and charged with assaulting a female 3x but me being me (feeling guilty) defended him and played everything down, gave a glowing report to probabtion and all that lark. We began a partner violence course and all seemed well.

A few nights ago we had another incident and my neighbour called the cops and then interviened. She has always got on well with my partner and made out as if I was exaggerating. She basically undermined everything I said to the police. As a result he was not charged with anything but I have a lump on the back of my head like you wouldn’t believe, bruises all over me and concussion from him smacking my head against the window sill.

The thing that frustrates me is that as much as I’m still protecting my partner and I’m not pushing the matter, they should have believed me. Not only that, I feel really frustrated by my neighbour who undermined everything I said, while knowing nothing of the situation or previous attacks - which have been far more than these occasions. My partner blatantly denies any of this even happened and that I’m lying to him (he was very drunk, I was drunk at the time).

This guy has been stalking me (openly told me he drives past my house in the middle of the night - almost every day he can) and that he is going to cut the brakes on my car and kill me, himself etc etc. Prototype abuser.

So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel that I’m in the wrong and wronging my bf? Is this just because I don’t identify as being a victim, and because others don’t see me as a victim, they believe the sweet, almost innocent looking bf? I’m not perfect by any stretch but I don’t physically harm the people I love, and I certainly don’t threaten to kill them. I’m so confused right now :(
 
Hey @joanna1990 - I think you are caught in a fairly typical domestic abuse cycle. You were on the right track to get out of this when you called the police but for whatever reason (and there can be quite a few) - you elected to not proceed with that investigation.

You have a child to protect and you are placing him in danger by allowing this man to be near him and to be disciplining him in the manner you describe. There is no excuse for leaving bruises on a child who is being told to go to his room. Reality check here... if you cannot see the value in protecting yourself for heavens sake....protect your child!

As for the neighbour and whether or not they should be believed. The boyfriend and is charming good looks. Highly likely you have not thought of yourself as a vicitm because I assume this has not happened to you before (being in a domestic abuse cycle).

None of this is relevant if you are in danger. Do you have family/friends or any support you can call upon to assist you right now? Don't wait for the next argument or violent blow out. If yes... make plans to ask for their assistance to leave this relationship...forever. If not - please call your local domestic violence hot-line. I don't know what Country you are in but there is probably a National help-line if not a local one.

Women's shelters, local charities and even your local doctor may be able to assist you in finding some support to leave this relationship.

I’m not perfect by any stretch but I don’t physically harm the people I love, and I certainly don’t threaten to kill them. I’m so confused right now

You don't have to be perfect. Nobody is perfect. You are entitled to live safely and without harm to yourself and your child...always.

Why do I feel that I’m in the wrong and wronging my bf?

This is fairly typical of an abused woman in a cyclic abusive domestic situation. You feel bad because of the relationship's dynamics. Maybe you feel bad because you don't ever seem to be able to keep the relationship 'happy'... there could be many reasons why you feel bad. The most important thing to know is that regardless of how bad you feel - you and your child do not deserve to be abused.

You may feel like you are wronging your bf but that is highly unlikely. It seems you have been supporting him in a number of ways. Clearly you want a relationship with him but it isn't working. Face up to your responsibilities of being a parent first. Your child is your highest priority not your bf. Leave the relationship and put your focus back on the care of your child. If your bf continues to threaten you call the Police and follow up the call with statements to them about his behaviour. Get some support before you or your child are seriously injured.
 
It sounds like you have internal conflict about holding him responsible to yourself and to others. A lot of things can follow from that. It isn't unusual. It also sounds like you are avoiding fully facing that you are in fact a victim here and I wonder if that is holding you back. People's preconceived ideas on who and what a victim looks like are often wrong. Victims come in every flavour and from every background.

You downplayed what he did to the police, your neigbour did, and he isn't taking any responsibility. It also sounds like the violence is intense and you and your child are in real danger. Really, you have no choice but to face up to the situation as there is a child involved. He is threatening some very serious actions. What will it take to see this situation for what it is? What would you say if your friends child was assaulted by her boyfriend or if he smashed her head against the windowcill or threatened to kill himself and her and I imagine her child?

Reading between the lines (I may be wrong) but I wonder at other aspects of what this relationship looks like and this child being exposed to it. You mention you being dominant, him immature and his financial dependance causing you frustration and stress. What does that look like on a day to day level.

Do you both still have access to the anger management therapist or facility? To report what happened. You need to make sure they know about the death threats too.
 
She basically undermined everything I said to the police.
So did you actually tell the police the truth the time she called the police?
but me being me (feeling guilty) defended him and played everything down, gave a glowing report to probabtion and all that lark.
Ah, so you keep defending him too. Lucky guy. He can leave a trail of shit behind him and everyone else is running around with baggies picking it up.
as much as I’m still protecting my partner and I’m not pushing the matter, they should have believed me.
Why should they have believed you? You lied to them already.
he was very drunk, I was drunk at the time
So you chill out with a drunk - being drunk - while your child is sent to bed with bruises by this dick? See where I am going with this? Isn't it your job to protect your son? Can you do that with two adult drunks in the house that is a high conflict situation?
he is going to cut the brakes on my car and kill me,
I assume you drive your child around too? So he is threatening you and your child - you see that right?
kill me, himself etc etc
See ya later alligator.

So why do I feel guilty?
You can find a woman's shelter or outreach program in your area and they will help you make sense of this.
Why do I feel that I’m in the wrong and wronging my bf?
Because if he is not blatant about it, he most likely is insinuating that you are in the wrong and that he is the victim here.

You need to get your son out of there. I know you know that.
 
Please read, re-read and take to heart what @blackemerald1 and @Abstract have said in their posts - as its mother, your child and its safety should be the priority here and to remain in an evironment or relationship which is harmful and dangerous for either or both of you is just plain stupid.
 
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