kiroberries
New Here
Something has been bothering me for a long time. And I don't necessarily need to know the truth, as I don't NEED to recall any memories if they aren't already there.
But- I just wanted to talk about it as it bothers me.
My main trauma stems from when I was 7 years old and is unrelated. The years surrounding that are not very prominent and I can't recall much except snippets and behaviors I can't understand about myself.
I remember when I was maybe 6 years old, I was in my backyard in a skirt and masturbating. I understand children explore, but I was specifically fantasizing of a grown man touching me.
I have a snippet of memory being in a bathroom tub with an adult. 6 years old or younger.
I remember (sorry for detail) eating my sister out (she was 2 years old than me) in the bed at 6 or 7. When my Mom came home we ran to put on our clothes in the closet. I don't know where I learned that, but again could be an exploring thing.
When I was 9 I slept in bed with a family member that we were visiting and he was an adult in his 30s. He gave me a bath. During the bath, I was thinking he would want me sexually. Then he put me to bed. In bed with him next to me, I lifted up my shirt and wanted him to touch me. He would pull my shirt back down and say no (of course).
Around 10 my younger brother accidentally grabbed me in my private area while we were play wrestling and I got extremely angry. Our relationship after that declined, as I never wanted him to touch me as I was scared he would touch my private areas. I would always think he was secretly wanting to do it on purpose whenever his hands got close to me, that was his intention. In the car, I would get angry and cause a fuss if he sat beside me. If he did, I would move my body entirely away from him. Always screaming at him "Don't touch me" and freaking out if he got near. I was always mean to him going into teenage years. My mom started to ask me if someone had touched me because of my reactions.
In my teenage years (16), I would seek out older men on sites and try to meet up with them, thinking of older men sexually. Thankfully, it never occurred but I would send photos of myself to older men as a teen.
I would have nightmares of losing control in sexual scenarios in my teens that felt graphic. Again, could be not related to anything but my fears manifesting in that way in dreams.
As an adult, I feel very sex averse. With my partner, more times than most after sex I get upset and sad. Can't talk to him. Don't even know why the feeling is there. It's unrelated to him- I just have this feeling of I'm not safe. I get angry after. It's hard for me to enjoy sex.
This could all be nothing- and I don't have to make it into something. I'm just curious of any insight into any of these things. Biggest one is thinking of older men sexually at such a young age.
But- I just wanted to talk about it as it bothers me.
My main trauma stems from when I was 7 years old and is unrelated. The years surrounding that are not very prominent and I can't recall much except snippets and behaviors I can't understand about myself.
I remember when I was maybe 6 years old, I was in my backyard in a skirt and masturbating. I understand children explore, but I was specifically fantasizing of a grown man touching me.
I have a snippet of memory being in a bathroom tub with an adult. 6 years old or younger.
I remember (sorry for detail) eating my sister out (she was 2 years old than me) in the bed at 6 or 7. When my Mom came home we ran to put on our clothes in the closet. I don't know where I learned that, but again could be an exploring thing.
When I was 9 I slept in bed with a family member that we were visiting and he was an adult in his 30s. He gave me a bath. During the bath, I was thinking he would want me sexually. Then he put me to bed. In bed with him next to me, I lifted up my shirt and wanted him to touch me. He would pull my shirt back down and say no (of course).
Around 10 my younger brother accidentally grabbed me in my private area while we were play wrestling and I got extremely angry. Our relationship after that declined, as I never wanted him to touch me as I was scared he would touch my private areas. I would always think he was secretly wanting to do it on purpose whenever his hands got close to me, that was his intention. In the car, I would get angry and cause a fuss if he sat beside me. If he did, I would move my body entirely away from him. Always screaming at him "Don't touch me" and freaking out if he got near. I was always mean to him going into teenage years. My mom started to ask me if someone had touched me because of my reactions.
In my teenage years (16), I would seek out older men on sites and try to meet up with them, thinking of older men sexually. Thankfully, it never occurred but I would send photos of myself to older men as a teen.
I would have nightmares of losing control in sexual scenarios in my teens that felt graphic. Again, could be not related to anything but my fears manifesting in that way in dreams.
As an adult, I feel very sex averse. With my partner, more times than most after sex I get upset and sad. Can't talk to him. Don't even know why the feeling is there. It's unrelated to him- I just have this feeling of I'm not safe. I get angry after. It's hard for me to enjoy sex.
This could all be nothing- and I don't have to make it into something. I'm just curious of any insight into any of these things. Biggest one is thinking of older men sexually at such a young age.
