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Death Confused, lost and struggling - death of a childhood abuser

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FauxLiz

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I talked about this briefly a couple of months ago but it is official one of my first and longest term abusers died today. I just don't know what or how to feel. A few months ago knowing he had terminal cancer and was being honored for his "life's work with children" my thought was I wanted him to rot in hell. But now that he really is gone, dead I am so lost and confused. I am struggling as I see so many people from my current and past life offering sympathy, condolences memories and I am torn up in knots. This man was a PE teacher through elementary school, through middle school and high school he was a coach, teacher, guidance counselor someone that I should have been able to trust, to turn to when I needed a safe adult. But he was none of those things and he was mostly responsible for not only destroying my faith and enjoyment in the one thing that saved me from torment of my childhood with a sexually abusive brother, neglectful parents and siblings bent on abusing and destroying anything and everything positive in my life. He was the supposedly safe adult I turned to in middle school when I took the chance to admit that I was suicidal. And like an adult that you can't trust he not only took that revelation and shamed and embarrassed me to the point that I lied and said that I had just been seeking attention with my claims of suicidal ideation.

Right now I am struggling to keep myself together. I want to self medicate (actually am self medicating), I want to self harm, when I think about the things that he used to say to me about my body, the way he turned simple fitness exercises into shameful experiences by the way he touched me and talked to me while physically adjusting form and method and in places that he shouldn't have "adjusted". How have other's here dealt with the passing of a childhood abuser that has been celebrated and idolized by decades by others that don't know your story?
 
I feel the hard part is others offering YOU condolences when in fact that person killed your childhood and thwarted your chances of good enough adulthood. I do not how or what but I am holding you in my thoughts while you find some sense in this senseless world.
 
am struggling as I see so many people from my current and past life offering sympathy, c
That's a really difficult situation! As I remember, no one DOES know what he really was. Unless you tell them (and this might not be the time, I can see that) they think they're doing the right thing. And, trying to play along, you can't be true to yourself and your experiences.

I've never been in your exact situation. When my mom died, with the people who thought they were doing the appropriate thing, by raving about what a wonderful woman she'd been, I told myself I was going to play the game one more time, and then focused on coming up with creative ways to reply that allowed me to be literally truthful without being actually honest. Some of those comments left people wondering. LOL But, I think the thing to do is look at this as "water off the back of a duck". For now, dealing with these people, go ahead and play the game. It doesn't have to mean anything. You can work out what his death means to YOU later, on your own time, where you can discuss it with people likely to understand. And then, personally? I think I'd be making plans to go dance on his grave.

You've dealt with worse, you've got this.
 
@blackemerald1 no one knows what he did to me. I don't know that he went as far with others but I know the comments that he made to other girls on his sports teams for the near decade that he coached and taught me I have to question that I was the only one, hell he taught and coached all three of my sisters what made me special?

@grit thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

@scout86 thank you for your support. Fortunately between work and the winter weather there will not be an expectation that I return for services (which could have been very tricky as his daughter married my cousin so it has permanently intertwined my abusers family with mine as my family is close for many generations and extended directions). For now, I am struggling, trying to stay busy which worked okay today as it was records purge day at work and we worked to purge 40 years of obsolete paper records (I love the digital age).
 
I have to question that I was the only one,

Highly likely you were not the only one. Highly likely you have looked into the eye's of his other victims and never known.

Until someone breaks the silence it is unlikely that the truth will ever be known. This is why this type of offending is so incredibly damaging. The silence....

You may find now that he is dead that it will be easier to tell some people and still just as hard to tell other's. It depends on a whole lot of circumstances, most of which are out of your control.

I don't know what you can do to move past this period. It's incredibly difficult especially as you are now related by family marriage to his family. But also know that his children may have no notion at all of his predation or, they may have actually been victims too.

At some level you must be pleased he is dead though? Here you don't have to pretend! :hug:

Oh and also know that if ever you felt it was time to disclose what he did... you should never feel any shame. He, alive and dead carry's the shame for his actions.
 
but at the same time that part makes the rest of me feel like a horrible human being.

Well we make good company then @FauxLiz!!

I don't think there is any problem at all in thinking that he deserved what he got.

He has caused you catastrophic damage and he had choices all the way through his life. He chose to behave that way. His offence, his wrong, his guilt.

Unfortunately he never went to prison were he should have gone if there was anything called Justice. If he had then maybe he would have learned how the prison population deal with paedophiles and he would have died a horrible death there.

Instead he died a horrible death with the comfort of his family and friends around and not ever facing the truth of his wrongs.

So he got it good I think.

If he suffered in his last few months well, maybe the Universe or whatever dealt him out something while he still breathed. Frankly I hope he rots in hell and I am glad he's dead and I am glad you didn't have to go and be around him, family etc and pretend to care. The weather Gods are doing you well right now.

You are not a horrible person @FauxLiz - You did not cause or speed his death. You had as much control of his terminal disease as you had when he was perpetrating against you when you were a little girl. None!!

You owe him no charity, no kindness, no mercy - nothing. I think he got off lightly indeed.
 
How have other's here dealt with the passing of a childhood abuser that has been celebrated and idolized by decades by others that don't know your story?

Yes. One died followed by the second 4 months later. I had not seen them in decades but I was not prepared for the way it hit me.

I have never "loved them" and felt only anger and pity/disgust in all of those years. But their death stirred things up for me. and the timing was abysmally bad, so bad I look back and can hardly believe the coincidence. The universe played a nasty trick on me back then.

But now that he really is gone, dead I am so lost and confused.

Do you have a therapist? I would strongly suggest you talk to someone you can totally let loose on. When mine died....I started having flashbacks and things came up that hadn't ever bothered me. My therapist thought perhaps them being dead allowed things to surface.

Not to mention the grief....it is ok to feel just SAD. For yourself, even for him!

Fact is as long as they were alive..I suppose there is a hint of hope for some kind of penance. Once they are dead.....its over. No conclusion, no penance.....

For me it hit me they got away with it. He was glorified by people, for what he did/who they thought he was. We, his family were a dirty secret he kept hidden. And it also hit me so.very.unexpectedly.....how he/they threw me away.

Fact was when I left....they never once called me or reached out. I knew they didn't love me, couldn't but....they died. They went as far as dying and never bothered to see if I was alive or dead. I have never had "back up" in life, I have done everything on my own and it was just so damn hard.

So that was some of my "stuff" and I wasn't prepared for it. Please find someone you can just utterly unload on, this is a super sucky time but you will get through it. Do yourself a favor and talk.

My therapist at the time was able to help unravel circumstances for me. They were dead so I was at a dead end. My therapist also cast a different light on some things which was invaluable to me, I am grateful for it still today.

I am deeply sorry for your loss of a healthy family and childhood, you didn't deserve it.

Please take care of yourself now, you absolutely deserve it.

Whirlwind
 
like an adult that you can't trust he not only took that revelation and shamed and embarrassed me to the point that I lied and said that I had just been seeking attention with my claims of suicidal ideation.

Ugh. Me too.

They deny and push your right to express your pain. Mine punished me severely after he found out I tried to off myself. I was 12.

Feel free to get blisteringly angry at this....and thank the universe that you are so much more than this.

Crazy...we have PTSD and think we are damaged......they are beyond hope and reason.

((Hug from a stranger if it's ok))

Whirwind
 
For me I believe God knows all and will deal with this person. It serves as a reminder not to rest your hopes on people for validation (although it's wonderful if you find such a person or people). I am very sorry you are going through this and pray for peace for your mind over this situation.
 
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