FauxLiz
Sponsor
I talked about this briefly a couple of months ago but it is official one of my first and longest term abusers died today. I just don't know what or how to feel. A few months ago knowing he had terminal cancer and was being honored for his "life's work with children" my thought was I wanted him to rot in hell. But now that he really is gone, dead I am so lost and confused. I am struggling as I see so many people from my current and past life offering sympathy, condolences memories and I am torn up in knots. This man was a PE teacher through elementary school, through middle school and high school he was a coach, teacher, guidance counselor someone that I should have been able to trust, to turn to when I needed a safe adult. But he was none of those things and he was mostly responsible for not only destroying my faith and enjoyment in the one thing that saved me from torment of my childhood with a sexually abusive brother, neglectful parents and siblings bent on abusing and destroying anything and everything positive in my life. He was the supposedly safe adult I turned to in middle school when I took the chance to admit that I was suicidal. And like an adult that you can't trust he not only took that revelation and shamed and embarrassed me to the point that I lied and said that I had just been seeking attention with my claims of suicidal ideation.
Right now I am struggling to keep myself together. I want to self medicate (actually am self medicating), I want to self harm, when I think about the things that he used to say to me about my body, the way he turned simple fitness exercises into shameful experiences by the way he touched me and talked to me while physically adjusting form and method and in places that he shouldn't have "adjusted". How have other's here dealt with the passing of a childhood abuser that has been celebrated and idolized by decades by others that don't know your story?
Right now I am struggling to keep myself together. I want to self medicate (actually am self medicating), I want to self harm, when I think about the things that he used to say to me about my body, the way he turned simple fitness exercises into shameful experiences by the way he touched me and talked to me while physically adjusting form and method and in places that he shouldn't have "adjusted". How have other's here dealt with the passing of a childhood abuser that has been celebrated and idolized by decades by others that don't know your story?