Confused on 1st secure relationship!

[sefdevjunkie]

I am a 33 year old male. I grew up in a fairly chaotic household.

I would say I identify with the fearful/disorganized attachment style. When I perceive a girl as taking distance, I get anxious and want to close the gap (wanting her more). When she comes too close for comfort, I want space and start to feel icky around her. I have a high perfectionstic mindset and shyed away from mature serious relationships most of my life. I would also identify as being in a freeze nervous system state most of my life.

Numb to feeling the rainbow of emotions.

Between then and now, i got into 2-4 month situationships with women and whenever they would get close, I would harp on the things I didn't like about them. Most of the time physical and some were just qualities I wanted that they didn't have.

I always thought it was just me not finding the right one and attributed me ending things with them due to that until now.

I was into this girl for the first couple of weeks, then as she started moving emotionally closer, my feelings started to diminish. She checks all my boxes but I can't help but feel numb preceded or followed by anxious most of the time, especially when she's lovey dovey and says loving things. I never know how to reciprocate because it feels like I am not being genuine. She recently told me that she's starting to fall in love with me... and I just feel numb and a lot of anxiety.


All this anxiety and overthinking started when she started expressing deeper feelings for me maybe a few weeks into knowing each other

Finding the physical things about her that I am not fully attracted to. Not wanting to kiss her sometimes. Not being fully excited about sex.

A big feeling and thought that has always come up is " I will inevitably hurt them" (emotionally)

Then I start feeling numb and indifferent to her. Recently found out this could be ROCD.

So now my brain goes between ROCD and HOCD.

Can anyone else relate? I know some people shut down at different times during a relationship. In my case, it happened only after a few weeks of knowing her. I am continuing to pursue her and be with her despite the lack of feeling. I am trying to sit with the anxiety that comes up but it is really difficult.I do not want to lose someone so good in my life and that really cares about me but what do I do if I can't feel those feelings?!


I am used to hot/cold dynamics with partners/dating and this is probably the first safe secure relationship I've been in

So I have been trying to look at my connection wit her more logically than emotionally 'for now' bc I don't trust my feelings, anxiety, intuition. Logically, on paper she has everything I want and has the potential to be an amazing long term partner.I have been pushing forward with her despite the thoughts/feelings that are coming up.

i've told her a little bit about what I'm going through and she is amazingly compassionate and understanding so far.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

It sounds like you are going through a challenging time in your relationship. The struggle with feeling numb, anxious, and uncertain about your emotions can be overwhelming. Your past experiences and attachment style may be influencing how you are navigating this current relationship.

It's positive to hear that you have recognized the patterns in your relationships and are trying to make sense of your feelings and thoughts. It seems like you are putting effort into understanding yourself and your reactions.

Given your description of feeling numb and anxious, have you ever explored these feelings further, perhaps in therapy or counseling? It could be beneficial to have a safe space to process your emotions and delve deeper into the root causes of these patterns.

You mentioned feeling uncertain about reciprocating loving feelings towards your partner. Have you discussed your concerns with her openly and honestly? Communication is key in any relationship, and expressing your struggles can help build understanding and trust between you.

It's positive that you are exploring your connection with your partner logically, looking at her qualities and potential as a long-term partner. However, it's also essential to acknowledge and address your own emotional needs and barriers.

Have you considered practicing self-compassion and self-care during this time of confusion and anxiety? Taking moments to prioritize your well-being can help ground you and provide clarity on your feelings and needs.

Lastly, it's commendable that you are willing to work through your challenges and continue investing in the relationship despite the difficulties you are facing. Remember that seeking support, whether through professional therapy or open communication with your partner, is a courageous step towards healing and growth.

Feel free to share more about how you are coping with these emotions and any specific concerns you have.

 

[sefdevjunkie]

Thankyou. Is it possible that having a fearful avoidant attachment style leads to me picking at her physical qualities and becoming less attracted due to a protection mechanism or self sabatoge behavior?

It makes me not want to kiss her or be affectionate and then I can't figure out why.

Can it just be that I'm not into her or Is there an underlying defense mechanism at play preventing me from being attracted since this is my first safe secure relationship?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Thankyou. Is it possible that having a fearful avoidant attachment style leads to me picking at her physical qualities and becoming less attracted due to a protection mechanism or self sabatoge behavior?

It makes me not want to kiss her or be affectionate and then I can't figure out why.

Can it just be that I'm not into her or Is there an underlying defense mechanism at play preventing me from being attracted since this is my first safe secure relationship?

@sefdevjunkie, exploring how your attachment style might be impacting your perceptions and behaviors in your relationship is an important aspect to consider. Fearful-avoidant attachment patterns can indeed influence how you interpret closeness, intimacy, and emotions in relationships.

Fearful-avoidant individuals often struggle with a push-pull dynamic in relationships, oscillating between desiring closeness and fearing vulnerability. This might manifest in picking at physical qualities or finding reasons to distance oneself from a partner as a way to protect against potential emotional harm or rejection.

Your observation about feeling less attracted to your partner and experiencing resistance towards physical affection could be reflective of underlying defense mechanisms at play. These mechanisms can serve as a form of self-protection, especially in situations where emotional intimacy feels unfamiliar or unsafe.

It's possible that your past experiences and attachment style are influencing your perceptions of attraction and intimacy in this secure relationship. The contrast between a safe, secure dynamic and your previous hot/cold relationships may be triggering internal conflicts and resistance to fully engaging emotionally.

Exploring these feelings further, whether through self-reflection, open communication with your partner, or with the support of a therapist, can help shed light on the root causes of your reactions and hesitations.

Consider reflecting on your inner thoughts and emotions when you notice yourself pulling away or feeling less attracted. What fears or anxieties surface in these moments? Understanding the underlying motivations behind your behaviors can provide insights into how your attachment style is shaping your responses in the relationship.

As you navigate these complexities, remember to practice self-compassion and patience with yourself. It's a journey of self-discovery and growth, and allowing yourself the space to explore your feelings without judgment can lead to deeper insights and healing.

How do you feel about the idea of defense mechanisms impacting your attraction and affection in your relationship? Have you noticed any patterns or triggers that seem to activate these responses?

 

[sefdevjunkie]

Yes I understand the idea of defense mechanisms. It feels so real though when I want to pull away from her. Or when I don't want to display physical affection. I look at her and feel nothing and can not figure out why. These defense mechanisms you talk about, Can they make you feel numb and feel nothing for your partner?

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Yes I understand the idea of defense mechanisms. It feels so real though when I want to pull away from her. Or when I don't want to display physical affection. I look at her and feel nothing and can not figure out why. These defense mechanisms you talk about, Can they make you feel numb and feel nothing for your partner?

@sefdevjunkie, it's understandable to feel the intensity of these defense mechanisms when they manifest as a sense of numbness or emotional detachment in your relationship. When defense mechanisms are activated, they can create a protective barrier that limits your ability to fully engage with your emotions and inhibit feelings of closeness and connection with your partner.

Numbness or emotional detachment can indeed be linked to defense mechanisms such as avoidance or suppression of feelings. In the context of fearful-avoidant attachment, these defense mechanisms might serve as a way to cope with vulnerabilities, past traumas, or fears of intimacy.

The experience of looking at your partner and feeling nothing can be distressing and confusing, especially when it contradicts the positive qualities you recognize in them. This emotional disconnect may stem from a deeper internal conflict between your desire for connection and your subconscious efforts to protect yourself from potential emotional pain.

Exploring the roots of this numbness and understanding the triggers that activate these defense mechanisms can provide valuable insights into how your attachment style is shaping your emotional responses in the relationship.

Reflecting on moments when you feel emotionally distant or numb towards your partner, what thoughts or emotions arise for you? Are there specific situations or interactions that tend to evoke these feelings of detachment?

Engaging in open communication with your partner about your internal struggles and seeking support from a therapist can help unearth the underlying reasons for these defense mechanisms and foster a deeper understanding of your emotional responses.

It's important to approach yourself with curiosity and compassion as you navigate these complex emotions. Recognizing the role of defense mechanisms in shaping your reactions is a significant step towards unlocking the barriers that may be hindering your emotional connection in the relationship.

How do you feel about exploring the origins of your numbness and emotional detachment with a therapist or through self-reflection? What steps do you think could help you strengthen your emotional connection with your partner despite these challenges?

 

[sefdevjunkie]

I started feeling numb and emotionally detached when she started expressing more emotion towards me and started to like me more. Any time she makes a display of affection or says something loving, I feel anxiety and scared that I am going to emotionally hurt her because I don't feel what she's feeling.

I have been communicating most of what I've been going through with my partner and she is understanding and compassionate to me. I don't know how long she will be patient though.

I am also going to work with a therapist but it feels hopeless at times. That the only way for me to not feel anxious or numb is to end things.. But I don't want to do that. I just want to have feelings for her!

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I started feeling numb and emotionally detached when she started expressing more emotion towards me and started to like me more. Any time she makes a display of affection or says something loving, I feel anxiety and scared that I am going to emotionally hurt her because I don't feel what she's feeling.

I have been communicating most of what I've been going through with my partner and she is understanding and compassionate to me. I don't know how long she will be patient though.

I am also going to work with a therapist but it feels hopeless at times. That the only way for me to not feel anxious or numb is to end things.. But I don't want to do that. I just want to have feelings for her!

@sefdevjunkie, it's commendable that you have been open and honest with your partner about your internal struggles and that she has shown understanding and compassion towards you. Communication and mutual support are vital in navigating the complexities of your emotions and relationship dynamics.

The feelings of numbness and emotional detachment that arise when your partner expresses affection and love towards you could be indicative of underlying fears or insecurities related to intimacy and vulnerability. The anxiety and fear of potentially hurting her emotionally may be rooted in a deep sense of internal conflict and self-protection.

It's positive to hear that you are considering therapy as a means to explore these emotional barriers and work towards understanding and healing. Working with a therapist can provide you with tools and insights to unravel the complexities of your attachment style and defense mechanisms, guiding you towards building healthier emotional connections.

Feeling hopeless or overwhelmed at times is a common experience when facing internal struggles and uncertainties. It's important to acknowledge these feelings with self-compassion and remind yourself that healing and growth take time and effort.

Reflect on your desires for a deeper emotional connection with your partner. What aspects of the relationship do you value and wish to nurture despite the challenges you are facing? How do you envision bridging the gap between your internal struggles and your external expressions of affection and intimacy?

Remember that progress in therapy and personal growth is a gradual journey, and it's normal to encounter moments of doubt or difficulty along the way. Stay committed to the process of self-exploration and healing, and trust that each step you take brings you closer to understanding yourself and your emotions more deeply.

How do you feel about the support you have been receiving from your partner and the prospect of working with a therapist on your emotional struggles? What hopes or goals do you have for cultivating stronger feelings and emotional connection with your partner in the future?