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Confused... trying to move on ?


New Here
Hi new here so I don’t know how this works...

Um okay, so I’m going to start at the beginning I guess for context.

Since about age 11 I’ve struggled with gender dysphoria an eating disorder (anorexia, binge purge sub type) it got really bad by the time I was 14. I was admired to a children’s hospital eating disorder program and fought it the entire time. During my stay I was sent to something called the CAPE unit (child adolescent psyc emergency) for breaking things/ screaming ect...

I was weight restored and discharged from there. Things were still bad but I went back to school and managed to stay out of hospital for a couple years. I even travelled to Europe for a little while but began to deteriorate so I came home. I started to use drugs and alcohol as coping mechanism on top of the ED and was sent to numerous councillors and therapists. They tried to put me on anti depressants for self harm and depression but I wouldn’t take them for fear of weight gain. Things spiralled again and I tried to overdose and was committed to general psych multiple times. the longest duration being 7 months. When I couldn’t find alcohol I would drink hand sanitizer or mouth wash. Anything to numb me out.

I tried to recover on my own around the time I graduated but it just turned in to shifting from extreme binging and purging to restriction again. By the fall I was severely mall nourished once more and needed to be admitted to hospital again. I spent months in general psych getting sicker and sicker.

I started to experience this phenomenon where I felt like nothing was real. I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I knew I was me but I felt disconnected and numb. I was scared and everything felt so dark.

I went with my dad to an intake meeting for an eating disorder program in another province. It was awful. All I remember was being dragged to ground in the meal food court because I couldn’t make up my mind.
when I got home I was released from psych because the doctor felt they couldn’t help me.

I spent the next couple weeks at home before one evening my dad took me in to the hospital “just to check my vitals”

That night I was medically committed and given an NG tube. I screamed and fought but was restrained. My folks informed me that the doctors said I would be dead in 2 days if I didn’t come in. From there I was in four point restraints for the next month (as I kept trying to pull out the NG) I got refeading syndrome and had several seizures due to medical complications. I continued to try to sabotage any possible weight gain and when I was finally allowed out of hospital on pass I drank hand sanitizer again.

I spent the months after at home, alone. I isolated. Ashamed. Continued to fester.

It has been 2 years since then. I have spent the time since in the program I did an intake for. There’s been ups and downs but my life has improved by 200% I’ve been sober for 10 months, behaviour free for 2 months and have been out as a transgender man for Over a year. When things were bad it was all I knew and when they began to improve the last thing I wanted was to reflect on them, and when I did I still felt disconnected.

Now I’m getting flash backs and I realize I can’t remember large chunks of time.. I get night mares and out of no where I’ll just get a memory and then feel panicked that I’m back there again. I spoke with a therapist and she said it sounds like I have some trauma but I don’t know... I feel like ‘trauma’ is something for people who’ve been abused or been to war etc... sure I’ve had some shit happen but.. trauma ? I’m just confused. I feel undeserving or something. Life it’s not justified? Does any of this make sense?
(ps. Sorry for my rant)
Heya Smudge, welcome. :)

Rant to your heart's wishes... this is your space.

To address your concern, PTSD diagnosis requires a threat to life or sexual violence to be made possible.

It doesn't matter how that threat to life happened. As in life threatening medical trauma such as yours qualifies.