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Sexual Assault Confused. was i assaulted? tell me below

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Hello. I made one or two posts about this already but now I have more concrete points. I am in high school and still living with my parents. I cannot function day to day because of severe depression, multiple anxiety disorders, and schizophrenia (that no one will help me with. I can't get meds for it so I have to push through it alone).
A while back the question arose of "what I molested/sexually abused as a child?" but passed it off as a delusion. After talking with family and friends, they brought it up. I really think something happened. (Honestly this will be tough because I really don't remember my childhood, so this is all either 1. faint memories or 2. a dream like "feeling")

1. I would get lots of urinary tract infections. Now, as a child I was very susceptible to infections, like my ears for instance. But my crotch would burn and ache. I once found blood and other fluids in my underwear. We had to get me checked out by a doctor after a while because I complained I was in pain.
2. Fear of the bathroom. Once I was older than two/three I refused to let my mom wash me. I didn't want her to see me naked or be anywhere near me. I wouldn't wash myself if the door had a crack in it. It's still a fear to this day but I think that's normal. I also refused to use the shower for the longest time, resulting in bad hygiene. I hated the bath and would cry or throw tantrums even as a 7/8 year old.
3. This is more recent but ever since my dad went a little far with a back massage I've been scared of him. When he touches me (a hug or tap or fake punch) I feel assaulted and dirty. It grew to the point I won't let my mom touch me because I instinctively slap her hand away or shiver violently. When teachers do it I'm sent into a "trance" and I'm depressed and feeling anxious the rest of the day. It's weird because as a child I was really, really attached to my dad.
4. This brings to my next point. Clingy-ness. I would cry if my mom left to drop me off at school. I would miss her all day up to middle school, where I started to pretend my female teachers were my mom so I wouldn't cry.
5. Severe mental illness as a child. I was severely anxious and had multiple panic attacks a day. It grew into a phobia of vomiting. I was delusional with schizophrenia so I was bullied a lot. More than just "imagination", these beliefs (that I was a cat or I could create life) lasted until 7th grade, until I realized I needed to internalize these thoughts. Schizophrenia as a child is a warning sign of sexual abuse, since it's so rare for it to be "born" with it.
6. This one is more iffy, but I touched myself a lot as a kid. I know kids do that but I would have to touch myself to calm myself down, even if it were in front of my parents. Once I tried having sex with the cat.
7. No sexual arousal or attraction. I remember crying in my room because I don't have 'feelings" towards anyone. Sex scares the shit out of me even to this day. I would feel sick if someone brought it up. It terrifies me.
8. This brings me to the point, when my dad touches me, I get a "reaction" arousal or a pain in my uterus.
9. My dad will stare at me for a long time making me uncomfortable or telling me "I made beautiful children" a lot.

so what do you think?
 
I am by no means a medical expert. I am not going to assume that I know anything except my personal experiences with patient's afflicted with schizophrenia. I work on the security team and sometimes we have to watch over patients because of erratic behaviour or to report and observe events To record what is real and what is not when patients make claims.

What I am about to say is not disqualifying your emotions or feelings of potentially being assaulted or minimizing those feelings or accusing you of not stating facts . You're in an unfortunate situation in not being able to address the schizophrenic aspect of your health. I strongly urge you to push forward on seeking help with it. The unfortunate side effect among many in schizophrenia is a disconnect from reality and manifestation of thoughts that are very real to the person affected.

Once you're able to address that, you'll be able to work through those feelings with a therapist to put the pieces of the puzzle together to separate feelings versus actual events to build a clearer picture of your past.

I wish you all the best!!
 
I am by no means a medical expert. I am not going to assume that I know anything except my persona...
Thank you very much. This all so confusing because I just don't know what's real, but I go with my gut instinct. My gut is telling me something is very wrong. My schizophrenia is not too bad in the sense I can usually tell when I'm being delusional because I can sometimes filter it. Thank you for the support
 
Your suspicion seems reasonable to me *and* there are also other just as reasonable possible explainations. None of us here can really determine if you were assualted or not.

What we do know for sure is that you are concerned and this is hard stuff to sort through. Are you working with a therapist? If not, I'd really recommend connecting up with one with experience with these issues and talking through it with them.
 
Hello. I made one or two posts about this already but now I have more concrete points. I am in hig...
I have some more points.
10. I have horrible sleep issues. Mostly this is because of my mental illnesses/schizo. I had violent and vivid nightmares, usually men or black figures chasing me. I would see them when I would wake as well. Many many nights of no sleep or lack of it until my freshmen year when I started Olanzapine, which makes me drowsy enough to sleep. Once sophomore year was halfway done my nightmares and terrors has ceased and now I'm not scared to sleep.
11. I had a childhood eating disorder. This is mostly from my vomit phobia but I never gained weight. I was 75 pounds up until freshmen year when I was at risk of cardiac arrest, so I went to the hospital. Ever since I gained weight my dad calls me fat.
12. This brings me to the next point. My dad is already abusive (verbally). Our most recent incident was when he was ignoring my request (as usual) to not turn on the T.V because I was feeling ill and I couldn't handle any outside stimulus (I have autism). He yelled at me to the point I had to hit myself until I ached to keep myself from throwing a tantrum. I then cried for over an hour.
13. Up until sixth grade I had an issue with soiling myself. Now it's just a constant fear.
14. As a child I would harm myself, such as ripping off the skin on my fingers until I bled or saw muscle.
15. My dad spoils me with gifts. Whenever we fought (which was almost every single day) he would then go and buy me something as an apology, usually just after the big fights with me usually breaking something out of anger.
16. I had horrible anger issues (still kind of do but I've calmed down) and had many tantrums, even in middle school. I would break things or rip up my room or kick my cat (I know it sounds awful. I saw my dad do it as a child and I thought that's how you get rid of your anger) and harm myself. Most recently when my parents got rid of everything in my room without telling me I snapped and started throwing my furniture down the stairs. It's weird explaining why I do these things, because I kind of go in a trance. I just become someone new, because in my right mind when I'm not split from reality I'm incredibly kind and I always make sure people are feeling good.
17. Severe guilt. This was an OCD thing (at least that's what my T said), but I would have horrible delusions that I've been doing things and I needed to apologize CONSTANTLY or I would throw up or die, or something bad would happen. My parents yelled at me a few times because I said sorry too much. I felt way too guilty and it was just embarrassing. Now a days it's the opposite. I feel cold and I will be cold hearted with no guilt. I might say something or treat my parents bad and feel nothing.
Developmental issues:
18. Delayed... everything. Growth spurt, motor skills, learning (it's embarrassing but I didn't learn basic division until late middleschool/highschool. I have dyscalculia and the elementary school I went to wouldn't give me the help I needed, so to this day I still don't know much math). My emotions developed strange as well. Younger I felt guilty/anxious/moody, now I feel depressed/apathetic and I can be very mean to people. I split off from reality when I'm angry.
19. Constant stomach aches and coming home from school as a child.
20. No weight gain until last year
21. Horrible hygiene until this year (actually it's still bad but I'm washing myself twice a week now)
22. Inappropriate behavior. Laughing at death or pain to crying when watching war films or the slightest violence to not flinching when watching an animal burn.
23. Unexplained horrible untamed rage towards my dad. I feel bad because I treat him like shit. Now I internalize it as best I can, but I can't seem to put a finger on why I'm so angry at him. (I have a few good reasons but personally I don't think anyone has the right to treat others horribly even if they did something that upset you. But I cannot control this anger).
24. Was repulsed of my body until my old therapist told me not to be. I thought it was disgusting and I was disgusted I even had private parts.

My parents towards me:
1. Didn't pay attention to me as a kid. My dad a little too much, my mom not at all. This caused horrible stress in myself because I love her very much but I felt she never cared for me. I tried running away and sleeping outside because she made me so upset. (She eventually changed and now we're best pals)
2. Dad touched me a lot but I thought it was normal.
3. Unexplained money or lots of toys, being spoiled too much as a kid.

Your suspicion seems reasonable to me *and* there are also other just as reasonable possible explain...
I agree
 
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Could it be? Sure. Maybe.

But with (untreated) schizophrenia, depression and anxiety on board? You aren’t going to find meaningful answers till you engage in treatment. The lived experience of a person with any one of those conditions (never mind all 3) is going to be full of suffering, difficulty with distorted thoughts, impaired memory, difficulties with managing basic self care, dysregulated emotions, dysfunctional behaviours, and on and on...

You started a thread on your experience of dissociation, but I didn’t respond because based on your explanation of the experience, together with your current untreated mental health struggles, it really was impossible to know whether what you were describing was dissociation or something else.

The way your life currently is, with or without ptsd? It doesn’t need to be this hard. All of those 3 conditions? Respond to treatment. And it really is important that you seek it proper, qualified treatment.
 
Could it be? Sure. Maybe.

But with (untreated) schizophrenia, depression and anxiety on board...
Thank you, I try. It's so hard for me because we switched health care providers and I don't trust people until I've known them for around one year or more. But I just don't trust doctors because of my schizo. I am trying, though.
 
Wow, that's a lot to be dealing with. I'm not an expert, but your account seems indicative of
serious abuse. My former husband was what some might call a Borderpath, Psychopathic
with Borderline features. When we separated he fell apart and you could say he behaved
very much like he was depressed and schizophrenic. He was extremely abusive to us
for many years. When he was finally willing to talk about things, he had one story after the
other of severe abuse at the hands of his father, mother and to lesser extent his siblings.
He had repressed these memories and compartmentalized things. Being abusive was a
way for him to keep the memories at bay. When the memories started coming back it was
very overwhelming. I was limited how I could help as I was keeping my distance after all
those years of abusive behavior.

If you can find someone you trust who has a holistic view of mental health, instead of the
prevailing biological/medical model, you could start to unpack some of what seems to be
a tremendous load of difficult memories or experiences. Get as much genuine support as
you can. Repressed memories can come flooding back very quickly and can be very
overwhelming.

I might also add that when my ex started to remember incidents he had a very difficult time
with hygiene and general functioning. Also when he was young he did not grow normally
or do well at school. Once he got old enough to be left alone by father, he did very well
academically. His father behaved very strangely towards him, quasi sexual nature, will
never know what actually happened, but I definitely saw some weird behavior when they
thought no one was watching.

Please keep reaching out until you find the help you need. You'll definitely need to find someone
with experience in your type of concerns, because what you've experienced seems quite
protracted. Very best of luck!!!
 
I would just like to say that in this situation I think it could be dangerous to all parties involved make any guesses one way or the other.

Op, I know you want to figure out if something happened to you or not, but I don't think you should be trying to figure this out outside of a professionals office. We can offer support for the symptoms you are experiencing but I try to focus on letting this go until you have professionals you trust. My reasoning is this; if something did happen and you start to remember without the safteynet and support of trusted professionals it could send you into a horrible dark and scary place. If nothing did happen, it could cause a life time of potential issues with you fathers that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

I think focusing on the management of your symptoms, and developing relationships with your Dr.s is high priority only then can you figure out the answers. Not knowing is scary, but sometimes knowing the truth can be even more frightening.
 
Ok, you're in high school, so you're still a child. The reason I'm making that point first off is because you don't yet have the capacity to process what may or may not have happened to you.

Who diagnosed your schizophrenia? And when was it diagnosed? What treatment were you given? Childhood schizophrenia is extremely rare and when diagnosed treatment tends to start quite quickly and have lots of different parts. So, what did your doctor decide as appropriate treatment and how has that been going?

I'd then ask the same about your anxiety issues? Who has diagnosed significant mental illness and what was the treatment, did it help?

In terms of the things you're describing they all can be part of very normal child development. Being very clingy, being fearful of every day things, phobia of vomiting, touching yourself to calm and self soothe aren't all that unusual. It feels a bit like you're talking yourself into "something" having happened, which is very dangerous.

The very nature of autism is that individuals experience the world differently, that ordinary things can overwhelm and feel traumatic so I'm the context of autism particularly having "odd" fears or sensory overload or self hitting make sense.

The reason I'm pointing you back to exploring stuff you already know is that what you've already said gives enough reason, if one is needed, for the things you feel are wrong with you.

In the absence of any evidence that you were sexually abused - and by that I mean knowledge that you were abused, not adding together things you think "points" to abuse - I'd look at a combination of normal child development perhaps with some developmental delay which means you remember it more clearly than most coupled with your processing style being different due to autism.

To take one of the things you've spoken about - you talked of being scared to use the bathroom. Many children struggle with toilet training and fear using the toilet. It might be they think they'll fall into the toilet and get flushed away, feel vulnerable sitting there, not like the colour of the bathroom or the sound of water or whatever. But toilet training happens at such a young age that children generally don't remember it or remember being afraid of the bathroom - parents might tell funny stories of them being scared they'd be flushed out to sea but the individual doesn't remember the actual fear itself.

Where there's a developmental delay, different processes happen at an older age and are remembered more clearly, and can feel quite sinister. Another example, my little boy touches himself all the time for comfort, in front of my husband and I, in front of friends and guests. He is literally obsessed by his penis just now. It's a developmental stage for him that he needs to go through. If he looks back as an adult he might think it was unusual and look for an "explanation", the explanation is that it's part of his developmental stage and is absolutely fine. He'll grow out of it in time and with support.

@Friday is right, it's not helpful to base your understanding of what did or didn't happen on the views of random people on the internet - including me. You need to work with a professional to unlock what is impacting you just now. If there is trauma there it'll come to mind when you're able to cope with dealing with it.

It almost doesn't matter tbh what happened, it sounds like you're struggling to understand yourself and therapy can help with that.
 
@Suzetig Well said, well said.

As for the professionals in your life do you have a Therapist, Psychiatrist and a primary care doc? Who else do you have for support? I school counselor or trusted teacher by any chance? How can we help you build your support system? What do you like about your support systems and what concerns do you have?
 
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