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Hello. I made one or two posts about this already but now I have more concrete points. I am in high school and still living with my parents. I cannot function day to day because of severe depression, multiple anxiety disorders, and schizophrenia (that no one will help me with. I can't get meds for it so I have to push through it alone).
A while back the question arose of "what I molested/sexually abused as a child?" but passed it off as a delusion. After talking with family and friends, they brought it up. I really think something happened. (Honestly this will be tough because I really don't remember my childhood, so this is all either 1. faint memories or 2. a dream like "feeling")
1. I would get lots of urinary tract infections. Now, as a child I was very susceptible to infections, like my ears for instance. But my crotch would burn and ache. I once found blood and other fluids in my underwear. We had to get me checked out by a doctor after a while because I complained I was in pain.
2. Fear of the bathroom. Once I was older than two/three I refused to let my mom wash me. I didn't want her to see me naked or be anywhere near me. I wouldn't wash myself if the door had a crack in it. It's still a fear to this day but I think that's normal. I also refused to use the shower for the longest time, resulting in bad hygiene. I hated the bath and would cry or throw tantrums even as a 7/8 year old.
3. This is more recent but ever since my dad went a little far with a back massage I've been scared of him. When he touches me (a hug or tap or fake punch) I feel assaulted and dirty. It grew to the point I won't let my mom touch me because I instinctively slap her hand away or shiver violently. When teachers do it I'm sent into a "trance" and I'm depressed and feeling anxious the rest of the day. It's weird because as a child I was really, really attached to my dad.
4. This brings to my next point. Clingy-ness. I would cry if my mom left to drop me off at school. I would miss her all day up to middle school, where I started to pretend my female teachers were my mom so I wouldn't cry.
5. Severe mental illness as a child. I was severely anxious and had multiple panic attacks a day. It grew into a phobia of vomiting. I was delusional with schizophrenia so I was bullied a lot. More than just "imagination", these beliefs (that I was a cat or I could create life) lasted until 7th grade, until I realized I needed to internalize these thoughts. Schizophrenia as a child is a warning sign of sexual abuse, since it's so rare for it to be "born" with it.
6. This one is more iffy, but I touched myself a lot as a kid. I know kids do that but I would have to touch myself to calm myself down, even if it were in front of my parents. Once I tried having sex with the cat.
7. No sexual arousal or attraction. I remember crying in my room because I don't have 'feelings" towards anyone. Sex scares the shit out of me even to this day. I would feel sick if someone brought it up. It terrifies me.
8. This brings me to the point, when my dad touches me, I get a "reaction" arousal or a pain in my uterus.
9. My dad will stare at me for a long time making me uncomfortable or telling me "I made beautiful children" a lot.
so what do you think?
A while back the question arose of "what I molested/sexually abused as a child?" but passed it off as a delusion. After talking with family and friends, they brought it up. I really think something happened. (Honestly this will be tough because I really don't remember my childhood, so this is all either 1. faint memories or 2. a dream like "feeling")
1. I would get lots of urinary tract infections. Now, as a child I was very susceptible to infections, like my ears for instance. But my crotch would burn and ache. I once found blood and other fluids in my underwear. We had to get me checked out by a doctor after a while because I complained I was in pain.
2. Fear of the bathroom. Once I was older than two/three I refused to let my mom wash me. I didn't want her to see me naked or be anywhere near me. I wouldn't wash myself if the door had a crack in it. It's still a fear to this day but I think that's normal. I also refused to use the shower for the longest time, resulting in bad hygiene. I hated the bath and would cry or throw tantrums even as a 7/8 year old.
3. This is more recent but ever since my dad went a little far with a back massage I've been scared of him. When he touches me (a hug or tap or fake punch) I feel assaulted and dirty. It grew to the point I won't let my mom touch me because I instinctively slap her hand away or shiver violently. When teachers do it I'm sent into a "trance" and I'm depressed and feeling anxious the rest of the day. It's weird because as a child I was really, really attached to my dad.
4. This brings to my next point. Clingy-ness. I would cry if my mom left to drop me off at school. I would miss her all day up to middle school, where I started to pretend my female teachers were my mom so I wouldn't cry.
5. Severe mental illness as a child. I was severely anxious and had multiple panic attacks a day. It grew into a phobia of vomiting. I was delusional with schizophrenia so I was bullied a lot. More than just "imagination", these beliefs (that I was a cat or I could create life) lasted until 7th grade, until I realized I needed to internalize these thoughts. Schizophrenia as a child is a warning sign of sexual abuse, since it's so rare for it to be "born" with it.
6. This one is more iffy, but I touched myself a lot as a kid. I know kids do that but I would have to touch myself to calm myself down, even if it were in front of my parents. Once I tried having sex with the cat.
7. No sexual arousal or attraction. I remember crying in my room because I don't have 'feelings" towards anyone. Sex scares the shit out of me even to this day. I would feel sick if someone brought it up. It terrifies me.
8. This brings me to the point, when my dad touches me, I get a "reaction" arousal or a pain in my uterus.
9. My dad will stare at me for a long time making me uncomfortable or telling me "I made beautiful children" a lot.
so what do you think?