1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by master z, Apr 20, 2018.

  1. master z

    master z Member

    47
    42
    18
    My sufferer was in a 10 year relationship that involved her being raped, domestic violence and her ex getting her addicted to adderall because she was depressed he cheated on her and never healed from the heart break.

    Last spring she went to center of hope in Seattle for a month. She was seeing outpatient therapy believe 5 days a week and has gone down to two. Recently she finished he emdr recordings.

    I am confused on how after all this therapy she isn't ready to have a friendship/ relationship. I am confused on why she allows her ex to still be in her life
     
    EveHarrington likes this.
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    9,537
    21,917
    11,538
    It can be very confusing looking in from the outside.

    Healing can take a very long time. Even after much therapy, many of us aren’t ready for relationships. I’m almost ten years into healing and still not ready for a relationship. (I’ve tried, but they did nothing but prove I have more healing to do.)

    It can be hard to kick an abuser out of your life. Denial is a powerful thing. I’m in my 30’s now and just kicked my abusive dad out of my life a few months ago. (Yeah, love that denial...)

    It can be maddening to watch this from the outside.

    Can you explain your role as a supporter if she doesn’t want to be friends with you? I’m confused about your role in her life.
     
    blackemerald1 likes this.
  4. master z

    master z Member

    47
    42
    18
    I am confused myself so bare with me

    We were starting a relationship then she went to a treatment center. So then it became let's be friends. As much as I try to treat her and look at her as a friend she looks at me as someone who is trying to date her.

    We are friends but it doesn't feel like it. The confusing part is everything she's asked for I've done.
     
    blackemerald1 and EveHarrington like this.
  5. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    9,537
    21,917
    11,538
    Can I ask you what she has asked of you?

    She probably doesn’t know exactly what she wants...I know this sounds bad, but when we go through healing it can be difficult to determine what we are ready for. We think we are ready for something, but then when we get close to whatever it is, we realize whoa! not as ready as we thought!
     
    blackemerald1 and Fadeaway like this.
  6. master z

    master z Member

    47
    42
    18
    When she flat out tells me she needs space and I give her space she will say thanks for giving me space or after a few days I will apologize n she will say thank you for being the bigger person.

    She told me she wanted me to treat her like nothing is wrong with her. Whenever I do that she says I expect to much out of her.

    When ever I try to establish boundaries she magically doesn't answer. We have talked bout setting them

    Those are a few

    The words nothing wrong with her are from her mouth not mine. I should have used fragile and can't edit post. I apologize if I accidentally upset someone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2018 at 1:12 PM
  7. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

    3,883
    10,989
    5,193
    If she won't communicate her boundaries she cannot expect you to respect them. That's on her, not you.

    She doesn't get a say in your boundaries. You set them, and she can choose to respect them or not.

    Boundaries are about controlling your own behavior, not anybody else's. For instance, it's not "you can't cheat on me" it's "if he cheats I will leave." He can do whatever he wants to do, but if he cheats I'm gone. That's my boundary. He doesn't get a say.

    Boundaries = limits. They don't work if you don't communicate them, then mean what you say. You have to enforce them if they're violated. Supporters need boundaries too... if you do not set them with your sufferer, you will be a doormat.
     
  8. master z

    master z Member

    47
    42
    18
    Wish there was a love button.

    Want to be clear communicating to me isn't talking every day. Communicating is setting boundaries, explaining how you fell and how I can or can't help, asking for space etc.

    I am not asking for a kidney or to have her find me the worlds rarest DODO egg. I am asking that she communicates and is upfront/honest about how she feels/is doing so I can be the best supporter possible.
     
  9. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Donated

    3,309
    10,318
    5,033
    A lot of the time it is impossible for us to communicate our needs. Sometimed it is because we don't have a good idea ourselves and need time to work it out,
    Other times our communication center in our brain is not working properly because our brains are stuck in survival mode and literally, all of our brains resources are going to areas better suited for detecting and reacting to danger.

    When I am like that I often forget common words, so expressing my needs is impossible even when I want to, and not being able to just increases my anxiety that much more.
     
  10. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

    3,883
    10,989
    5,193
    ^^^ This is totally understandable, and makes perfect sense. We understand how PTSD effects thought processes and communications. However, the problem lies in this... the supporter cannot be held responsible for not meeting needs if the needs are not clearly communicated to them. All too often we end up the scapegoats in this situation. We're not mind readers, and at the end of the day, all we can do is guess if there is no communication. Guess wrong, and you're the insensitive asshole who's not respecting their needs or boundaries.
     
  11. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Donated

    3,309
    10,318
    5,033
    And that's completely reasonable to not want to be put into that situation. And fair to ask us not to make assumptions that you know what we want or need if we haven't told you.

    It is best to ask ahead of time when a sufferer is not symptomatic.
     
    blackemerald1 and shimmerz like this.
  12. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

    3,883
    10,989
    5,193
    How can we even know what to ask? Or if there is even an issue? For all we know, everything is just dandy.

    There has to be some expectation of communication.

    The OP of this thread is trying to do what his sufferer asks... "treat me like nothing is wrong". Then when he does, he's at fault for having too many expectations. Now, how in the world is he supposed to know what her idea of "treat me like nothing is wrong" is? Or what her idea of one of his expectations is?

    If she does not communicate all this, then she has to bear the responsibility in this situation. If he was violating her clearly outlined boundaries it'd be all him... but he has no idea what is going on here. May as well ask him to navigate a minefield with no map, then get mad at him when he steps on one.
     
  13. Sighs

    Sighs Not a Fairytale Moderator Donated

    2,270
    5,886
    1,533
    Oh lordy! One of my vet's triggers is miscommunication. As in - if coms are not clear then people die. BUT due to his PTSD (and judging from the scars on his head several undiagnosed TBIs) he also loses words so I get a lot of "Pass me the doohickey" or "Can you make sure you tell Old Mate about the stuff?". :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
     
    blackemerald1 and berlinda like this.
Loading...
Similar Threads -
Show Sidebar