Confusion, fear that I am a bad person

Littlesoul

New Here
Hello!!
I haven’t been on here in a while- but felt I had nowhere else to talk about this so I decided to talk about it here. I reread messages from me and my ex and I can’t help but feel like I am terrible and awful. That I was just as bad as my ex and that I should never speak to anyone because I’m terrible. But- since I’ve left him, since I left my childhood home- I haven’t acted like that- I’ve made friends and they say I’m a good person, that I’m sweet. No one has yelled at me and I haven’t yelled at anyone else. But so how come in those relationships (my ex and my mother who trffcked and abused me specifically) I was so bad and I said mean things? I don’t understand and I look back at messages with my ex and I just think wow I was so bad and it was me- that I was bad. I don’t want to be bad- I still don’t know if I believe it wasn’t my choice- that maybe I was just so so bad and I want to be better and it makes me wanna text him and apologize. And I haven’t talked too him in over a year. But what if I just make myself think he was bad and he wasn’t and I really hurt him. I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I never do, i just wanted it to stop- but- it has to be my fault- I wasn’t good.. idk I’m just- I’m so confused and worried about this and I don’t even know what to think.. I want to be good- and since tI left and got safety it hasn’t happened- so- idk- was it circumstance or was it me ya know? My cognitive distortian I guess is that it was all my fault, or- because I said mean things that I’m not predictable enough or that I don’t deserve love. Idk- I’m hurting because I feel I hurt someone and I feel like it wasn’t a choice- like nothing in my life has been a choice- but it had yo be choice and.. I should have just done better.. i hope this is alright- I’m just trying to do my best

If I haven’t acted that way since I left- what does that mean? How can I be sure I won’t ever act that way again? I feel so much pain- I don’t want to feel pain anymore- even though I know I need to too process- I just want to live my life in peace and know that I’ll never feel I’ve hurt someone ever again..
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
is there a clean and polite way out of shitty corners? escaping a cesspool calls for tripping on a few turds.

setting that question aside, perfectionism and low self esteem are two of the gnarlier symptoms i carried out of my own cesspool. those two symptoms had me convinced that i has to be perfect to be worthy of love or even civil treatment. self-forgiveness is my most effective tool for healing those symptoms. when i can forgive myself for being human and having done extreme things in extreme situations, my self-esteem soars. as a bonus, i become much more tolerant and forgiving of others, as well.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you find what works for you.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Hello..I think it's wonderful you are doing your best. Thats all you can do, and it's enough.

I hear/see you noticing you are different than your upbringing and there's a big part of you that wants to make sure it stays that way.

The day my grandma died, someone told me to go F myself and I lost all composure. Outburst of anger 🤬 it was a fast reaction during a weak time. I'm sharing so you know it happens in many different kinds of situations.

I think it helps to understand ourselves first, then focus on healthy relationships. ❤️Hope you the best!
 

Littlesoul

New Here
is there a clean and polite way out of shitty corners? escaping a cesspool calls for tripping on a few turds.

setting that question aside, perfectionism and low self esteem are two of the gnarlier symptoms i carried out of my own cesspool. those two symptoms had me convinced that i has to be perfect to be worthy of love or even civil treatment. self-forgiveness is my most effective tool for healing those symptoms. when i can forgive myself for being human and having done extreme things in extreme situations, my self-esteem soars. as a bonus, i become much more tolerant and forgiving of others, as well.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you find what works for you.
Thank you for this- I think I do often jump to really bad self hatred when I think about the bad things I did in the past- I am so perfectionist with my personality I often don’t speak to people or get close to anyone out of fear I may do something wrong.. and have bad social anxiety- so having done those things and felt so out of control- it’s tough not to tear myself down. But through the past 24 hours I’ve been trying to move from a space of compassion- i just feel bad- it sucks that it happened and that Idid it and I never wanna be there again. I never want to feel that it’s my only option of communication-

I think I wish that I was the perfect fawner in every situation- that I never did anything That would hurt someone. But I didn’t know- I barely knew what was happening- i think I feel too human- too real- real hurts.. I’m going to try to forgive myself for having extreme reactions to extreme situations. And for having lost control- and try to be more compassionate towards myself- I’m not these person i was then- and I feel bad for what happened and wanna keep getting better.

Hello..I think it's wonderful you are doing your best. Thats all you can do, and it's enough.

I hear/see you noticing you are different than your upbringing and there's a big part of you that wants to make sure it stays that way.

The day my grandma died, someone told me to go F myself and I lost all composure. Outburst of anger 🤬 it was a fast reaction during a weak time. I'm sharing so you know it happens in many different kinds of situations.

I think it helps to understand ourselves first, then focus on healthy relationships. ❤️Hope you the best!
I so appreciate this response- thank you for the reassurance.

feeling out of control with a protect/attack response is so scary- and looking back at the choices I made in those times is so scary too. Feels so unlike me now as someone who’s discovering themseves. I never ever wanna be like those ppl and I never wanna be there again.

Yes, I think so too, I get lonely at times butI also feel I’m not ready yet- I know so little of myself and the stable safe life. I need to learn a lot more.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Learning to forgive yourself, and thinking about the behaviour in the context of what was going on for you at the time, and your values and principles you hold now. We all change and grow.

I've done loads of things that I held a lot of shame about and that were morally and ethically defunct. I held the shame about that for a long long time. But I can see it a different way now. Most of it hurt me more than hurting someone else. But a bit did hurt other people.

Who is perfect?
We all will hurt people because it's impossible not to. But reflecting on what was happening and the dynamics for you will help you.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I am so perfectionist with my personality I often don’t speak to people or get close to anyone out of fear I may do something wrong.. and have bad social anxiety- so having done those things and felt so out of control- it’s tough not to tear myself down. But through the past 24 hours I’ve been trying to move from a space of compassion- i just feel bad- it sucks that it happened and that Idid it and I never wanna be there again. I never want to feel that it’s my only option of communication-

gentle empathy on this score. early into my therapy i was so uptight that the stick up my as had a stick up its ass. self-compassion remains social anxiety continues to plague me, especially after 2 1/2 years and counting of covidic isolation and self-compassion remains difficult, but. . . 24 hours at a time? it seems to be getting easier with practice. the therapy tools work when i work them.

I think I wish that I was the perfect fawner in every situation- that I never did anything That would hurt someone.

i've been riding this not-so-merry-go-round for long enough that i think i have washed every wish in the psycho carnival. a channel i use to get past the wish washing is building dioramas of wish gardens. the crafting is a top shelf artistic channel. when i wish upon a star. . . i figure wishing can be a good thing, as long as i don't hold my breath while i wait for the wish fairy to appear.
 
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