helen anna
New Here
that title is me, it's who I am, I met my husband at 17, the day before my 18th birthday we got engaged and I married him at 19, he truly is my soulmate, we decided to start trying for a baby on our wedding night, for us we didn't want to have a child out of wedlock, there is nothing wrong with it, we just decided for us we had to be married before we started trying, I married in 1996, so 23 years we have been trying for a baby with no luck, we've done all things to try and have a child yet my arms are still empty, we even tried to adopt/foster but we're turned down because I have complex PTSD, on my 16th birthday a lad in the tiny village we lived in asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend and I said yes, I wish with everything that I said no, he said he was *teaching* me to have sex that involved him placing a knife inside me and moving it around, so I learned quickly to not move during sex, he gave me weekends off but raped me five days a week, I was a virgin before I met him, and that's the reason I have ptsd, he did so much more to me but I'm new here so I will start slowly, I'm now very happily married, he's my soulmate and is always here for me, through the nightmares, the flashbacks and my horrible temper, I can fly off the handle over such a small thing, with the PTSD and add infertility I feel worthless, like less of a woman, I'm starting to get the help I need to become the person I know is fighting to come out, I'm just starting with my 4th therapist in just over three year's, I started doing DBT training which worked wonders but then I got a new therapist who didn't agree with the work so I had to stop, even though I had just paid £75 for the DBT book and the work book, then I did trauma book work, that was a waste of everyone's time, and not they are hoping I can do the light treatment where I follow a flashing light while saying what happened to me, I'm currently moving mental health teams from one district to another, I'm hoping that one day I can be the woman I know is inside fighting to be heard and seen...one day