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Supporter Considering a relationship

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by WantingToUnderstand, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. WantingToUnderstand

    WantingToUnderstand New Member

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    I've been seeing a PTSD sufferer off and on for a few months. He is a veteran and a former police officer who also suffers from Addison's Disease which exacerbates his inability to handle stress of any kind. He really seems to be an upstanding person otherwise. He has lots of friends and is a favorite uncle to his nephews and faithfully cares for his invalid mother and he is very sweet to me. I haven't really been around him when he has PTSD episodes but when we talk very often he expresses his anger at not being able to do the things he used to. But, I have been with him when he has seen a situation that compels him to act as he used to when he was a police officer He is also in pretty much constant pain for which he can not get any pain meds for so he takes OTC meds which barely touch the pain. But the constant pain causes him to have a fairly short temper but he swears he is never violent just shuts down when he is overly stressed. I wasn't aware of this the only time it's happened with me and I didn't understand what was going on. But, now that I know this I will be prepared. I have done some research on PTSD and Addison's.
    We've talked of some day getting married but I have real reservations about whether I could deal with everything that would go with it.
    Yes. He does see a psychiatrist and a couple of different doctors for his physical ailments. I would like to think that I could, with therapy of my own, be a partner who could help him through life's stresses. Not change him but help him
     
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Whoa... Please slow down. The only way to know if you can handle being a supporter is to be a supporter... Meaning that it’s far too soon to be discussing marriage given that you aren’t in a relationship with him yet.

    I urge you to read everything you can on the forum. It will give you a better idea of what this disorder is like.

    Welcome!
     
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  4. Justmehere

    Justmehere Help support myPTSD - more info in Social forum Moderator Premium Member

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    Welcome and kudos to you for learning all you can!
     
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  5. WantingToUnderstand

    WantingToUnderstand New Member

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    I agree we should go slow. He's leaning more toward marriage than I am. We were in a relationship albeit long distance for a couple months (3 actual meetings; talking every night; texting everyday) then we took a break during what I now know was a shutdown time for him. It took him 2 weeks to respond to me and then only via email. During this break I was a mess because I thought he just abandoned me with no explanation. The stress of trying to figure out how to be with me and care for his mother and make everyone happy overwhelmed him so he thought it would be best for everyone to put an end to the relationship and making me hate him would just make it easier. Turns out the emailing only gave me the courage to tell him just how I felt (angry, hurt, etc) and he didn't respond well at first. But I guess neither of us were ready to give up so we've kept a dialog going since then and are actually talking again by phone. He has explained his thinking and actions so that I now understand what he was doing. My daughter's husband is a PTSD sufferer too and she helped me too. Just for clarification and understanding, I am 61 yrs old. He is 56)
     
  6. WantingToUnderstand

    WantingToUnderstand New Member

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    I should have phrased the title differently. I am in a relationship with him just considering whether to continue the relationship

    He texted me yesterday and said he wanted to thank me for something but wanted to tell me not text it. So last evening when he called he right off said thank you for researching about PTSD and Addison's. He said that none of his family had ever even tried to understand it and it meant a lot to him that I cared enough to do that. I told him that I had found this forum and was learning all I could about what he goes through on a daily basis. He is important to me so I feel it's the least I can do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2018
  7. blackemerald1

    blackemerald1 I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Hi @WantingToUnderstand - so really this relationship is still very young. I think there is a lot you need to know about him before you reciprocate the marriage idea. He might be a lovely guy but take it very slowly and see if this relationship is really mutual.

    It is great you want to learn all you can about PTSD and be a support. There is a lot more to this man that you do need to know about first aside from the PTSD etc.

    Is he receiving treatment for his PTSD?

    You may find as the relationship matures that being a supporter is not what you want so leave the gate well and truly wide open.

    I think it is important that you carry on with your life and live as normally as possible whilst this plays out.



    All the best,
     
    LuckiLee likes this.
  8. WantingToUnderstand

    WantingToUnderstand New Member

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    I'm back. I am still trying to figure out and learn about having a relationship with my sufferer. His emotions swing so widely that sometimes it's difficult to understand. He goes from being so excited about our future to feeling hopeless that we can have no future. The situation he is in with his mother is strange in that she has so much control and has him convinced that he has no other options but to stay there with her. He is her errand boy and maintenance man and helps with the rent, phone, etc. It seems he is still a little boy trying to win his mother's love and I really don't see this will ever change until she dies. But she will most likely outlive us all. He's had friends, over the years, who have told him that in order to have a life of his own he must break away from her and he admits this. Not really looking for advice because I think I know what the outcome of our relationship will be. He was supposed to meet me when I picked my daughter up from the airport (the airport is located in the town where he lives) because he wanted to meet her. But, his mother found out about it and had a fit so he backed out. The one car they use belongs to his mother.
    I take my daughter back to the airport in a week. I want to make contact with him. To meet and talk face to face. Do you think this is a good idea? He seems to be withdrawing again, which he has done before. But, he always comes back out sooner or later. Should I pursue this meeting? Should I completely cut things off or is it OK for me to remain friends and stay in contact, which is what I want. I'm already emotionally invested and not wanting to completely cut him out of my life. But, maybe it would be best for me if I did. Am I total old fool?
     
  9. Justmehere

    Justmehere Help support myPTSD - more info in Social forum Moderator Premium Member

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    It is very reasonable to ask to meet up with him, face to face. It’s also pretty reasonable to let him know you are ok being friends but due to his over-commitment to his mother, you can’t do a dating relationship.

    Going from dating and talking of marriage to friends may be something he can’t do, so I’d be prepared for that possibility.
     
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  10. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    But you’ve only met him a few times in person? I’m confused.
     
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  11. blackemerald1

    blackemerald1 I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Is this the first time you have met him in person?

    I think it is unreasonable for him to use his mother as an excuse for not meeting you as planned. He is a 56 year old man. I am sceptical of his excuses and concerned for you @WantingToUnderstand.
     
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  12. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

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  13. WantingToUnderstand

    WantingToUnderstand New Member

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    This individual and I have ended our relationship.
     
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