General Consistency

[southwest]

So I've read alot in the fourms and along with my time with my ex that was working through her past trauma. Has said that consistency is a big big key. I totally agree with this and tried to be as consistent with her as possible when we were together.

So my question is how do you stay consistent every single day. It makes me feel as supporter that I have to be perfect 100% of the time and not have a bad day ever. Which i understand is not realistic. In some odd way it almost feels like toxic relationship in some respects for the supporter.

Maybe this is just coming from my last relationship where I felt I was walking a tight rope every day and the slightest wrong answer or behavior ment she would pull away.

Would love some thoughts and ideas.

 

[Friday]

Be consistent with punishment & discipline (& negative consequences & boundaries), but randomly reward actions & behaviours you want to encourage… is arguably the best “being human” trick I’ve ever been taught.

Whether you’re talking about raising toddlers, working with highly respected -or deeply loathed- colleagues, mentoring or teaching, or in peer based relationships (friends/ family/ lovers/ beloved).

In some odd way it almost feels like toxic relationship in some respects for the supporter.

Doesn’t sound odd to me, whatsoever. Sounds like a toxic/ damaging/ impossible paradigm to even attempt to be consistent about all things, all of the time… much less to demand it from anyone else.

 

[southwest]

Be consistent with punishment & discipline (& negative consequences & boundaries), but randomly reward actions & behaviours you want to encourage… is arguably the best “being human” trick I’ve ever been taught.

Whether you’re talking about raising toddlers, working with highly respected -or deeply loathed- colleagues, mentoring or teaching, or in peer based relationships (friends/ family/ lovers/ beloved).


Doesn’t sound odd to me, whatsoever. Sounds like a toxic/ damaging/ impossible paradigm.

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with what you brought up and always tried to do this.

 

[Friday]

I agree with what you brought up and always tried to do this.

Sorry, which part?

As ONLY being consistent with punishment etc. sounds like the opposite of what you two were attempting to baseline? Or your Q about how to be consistent every single day?

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought consistency means basically a median? No one can be consistent all the time, but that would be oddly boring too, in a way. Everyone is human, and there will always be disagreements or misunderstandings. I thought constency means more a person is true to their character, or their word, and to how you relate together? But it wouldn't mean a patient person doesn't lose their patience, or what have you.

I suppose I'm in the minority but I feel it's better to be genuine than do what one is 'supposed' to do. (Not withstanding boundaries and communication are very important, more so versus intentionally doing intermittent reinforcement, etc). And also what is very important is trust, honesty, respect, kindness, etc, but they take time and work. I think though I (personally) screw up a lot, but it comes often from my problem or fears, not someone else's fault. I think it was Friday herself too who said the nature of triggers is that they are often innouous things/ circumstances to others, so even if a supporter wanted to they couldn't usually predict them. (Sorry if that wasn't the best paraphrasing). But that wouldn't be fair to expect from someone, anyway. I think it would be fair to say it wouldn't be a good thing to be intentionally triggered, but that would seem to lack kindness, care or respect if one did that, if not worse, unless both people were in agreement with that.

 

[arfie]

as both sufferer and supporter, i found my balance in studying the diff between consistency and rigidity. like @Tinyflame , i think of consistency as a median. no two minutes of any day are identical. consistency is to be the same person as i flow through all the inconsistencies. there was so little consistency in my childhood conditioning that it doesn't feel quite natural to me. works in progress. . .

the rigidity i used to survive my childhood was to roll myself into a little ball. that's a good strategy for surviving a swim through the whitewater rapids of a dysfunctional childhood, but it's a booger bear to live a full life in that rigid a position.

 

[Weemie]

Consistency vs constancy IMO. Consistency has room for variation. Constancy is rigid and inflexible. Are you consistently trustworthy as a normal human? Good job. Are you trying to constantly be perfect? You will fail and it will harm your mental health.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think context and meaning is relevant too. A person consistently trying is doing something positive, IMHO. Not perfection as @Weemie said. And a window; for example if a person is usually late, and now they're within 10 minutes, that's a good job. But that wouldn't work for an Employer .And to consider where we fall short, not other people. I'd rather have people be honest than consistent myself. Because to me that's the beginning of finding work arounds.

To me inconsistency is more like Jekyll and Hyde.

 

[Friday]

@southwest … It’s looks like we’re all having a bit of difficulty parsing what you -or your expartner- mean by being consistent. Could you tell us a bit more?

 

[southwest]

@southwest … It’s looks like we’re all having a bit of difficulty parsing what you -or your expartner- mean by being consistent. Could you tell us a bit more?

I guess I'm a little confused as well. I tried to come to that relationship with as much consistency as possible and tried to show my actions and responses to situations to be the same supportive partner each time. I'm still confused on what my partner consider consistency as even after the relationship all they would say is just be consistent...

I guess where I started to struggle was even with this consistency was my partner would always be looking to compare me to being like a toxic ex. I understand it takes years of continued actions to form trust.

At one point I sat on the couch and was immediately confronted with an extremely emotional partner "saying that's just how my ex sat at the couch" my action of sitting down set us back alot. I calmly asked what she needed in that moment and did what she aksed. The following week I was being told that I had lost there trust since I had acted that way ( sitting down on the couch not how I responded to there trigger)

 

[Friday]

extremely emotional partner "saying that's just how my ex sat at the couch" my action of sitting down set us back alot. I calmly asked what she needed in that moment and did what she aksed. The following week I was being told that I had lost there trust since I had acted that way ( sitting down on the couch not how I responded to there trigger)

Losing trust for how you sat on a couch? That’s her crazy, not yours. AS is the blaming you for it. Crazy squared. And why sufferers reeeeeeally need to own their own triggers. You did nothing wrong by sitting down. Full stop.

I guess I'm a little confused as well. I tried to come to that relationship with as much consistency as possible and tried to show my actions and responses to situations to be the same supportive partner each time. I'm still confused on what my partner consider consistency as even after the relationship all they would say is just be consistent...

Something my exHusband (who did NOT have PTSD, both he and his sister had/have different personality disorders from their childhood trauma) could never wrap his head around… why I’d react one way when he was going out sometimes, and different ways other times.

Mon - Have a great time!
Tues - Cool! Have fun!
Wed - It’s a busy week this week, isn’t it? Alright. See you later.
Thurs - No problem, but make sure to set some time aside soon, we have those things we talked about that we need to do together, and I need at least one night this week for solo stuff. We can put off the us-stuff if you want, but I need at least one night where you’re here so I can go. (Kids) Or I need the money for a sitter. Either, or, really.
Fri - I know it’s the weekend, but we talked about this. Pick a day, I need you here at least one night this week, or babysitting money.
Sat - Have a great time! (Yay! Now I know I can make plans for tomorrow)
Sun - WTFO?!? No. I am NOT okay if you go out AND “dont have the money” for the sitter. How much money have you spent this week going out, and you can’t even EITHER stay in for one damn day OR pay a sitter?!? How many rounds of drinks and tabs have you picked up this week with your friends? I can tell you, over $1500 worth. But $50 for your wife is just breaking the bank, is it?
Mon - f*ck no, I am not okay with you going out, again, and leaving me in the lurch, again.
Tues - OF COURSE I’M MAD.

He, honestly, could. not. understand. why “the exact same thing” (going out) is different over time (like the above), or in different situations (like a day with no plans -vs- a day with school, which is somewhat flexible -vs- a day with work, and is not flexible at all) …all, in his head, “should” have the same response if he doesn’t show up and I have to stay home with the kids, or frantically attempt to arrange childcare, and arrive late… and heaven help us if there was an honest to good emergency (I’m talking car wreck, house fire, kid in the hospital level emergency, not even the low level / subjective “I’m sick” so plans need to change normal part of life, or a missed opportunity “emergency”). Because (spoiler alert!) he wouldn’t change his plans, if an emergency happened, but he would make everyone (us) around him MISERABLE for weeks, if his friends caught wind of what was up (he would tell them) and “we” embarrassed him, because his friends said he should leave, and be with us, instead of out with them. (Because he usually had fairly normal friends, until they got to know him, and left him.) Aaaaargh. Making easy things hard, and hard things harder??? My ex’s specialty. Brick wall. Bang head.

EVENTUALLY? My ex DID get the “consistent” response he wanted/demanded.

<<< me >>> To everything.

- Not thrilled, excited, happy, encouraging, nor willing to sacrifice to make something happen.
- Not concerned, irritated, vexed, pissed off, furious, nor willing to fight to make anything better.

Nada. Ambivalent. Uninterested. DGAF… and? Completely wrote him out of my life. First we were just 2 people who lived together, and then I divorced him.


^^^
So … I don’t know if that’s the kind of inconsistent or consistent you’re talking about?

(normal healthy person with different reactions to different things, & changing circumstance … or WTF I don’t care).

((And I reeeeally don’t wanna project. There’s umpteen different kinds of consistent / inconsistent))

But it’s beginning to sound like it.

 

[southwest]

Losing trust for how you sat on a couch? That’s her crazy, not yours. AS is the blaming you for it. Crazy squared. And why sufferers reeeeeeally need to own their own triggers. You did nothing wrong by sitting down. Full stop.


Something my exHusband (who did NOT have PTSD, both he and his sister had/have different personality disorders from their childhood trauma) could never wrap his head around… why I’d react one way when he was going out sometimes, and different ways other times.

Mon - Have a great time!
Tues - Cool! Have fun!
Wed - It’s a busy week this week, isn’t it? Alright. See you later.
Thurs - No problem, but make sure to set some time aside soon, we have those things we talked about that we need to do together, and I need at least one night this week for solo stuff. We can put off the us-stuff if you want, but I need at least one night where you’re here so I can go. (Kids) Or I need the money for a sitter. Either, or, really.
Fri - I know it’s the weekend, but we talked about this. Pick a day, I need you here at least one night this week, or babysitting money.
Sat - Have a great time! (Yay! Now I know I can make plans for tomorrow)
Sun - WTFO?!? No. I am NOT okay if you go out AND “dont have the money” for the sitter. How much money have you spent this week going out, and you can’t even EITHER stay in for one damn day OR pay a sitter?!? How many rounds of drinks and tabs have you picked up this week with your friends? I can tell you, over $1500 worth. But $50 for your wife is just breaking the bank, is it?
Mon - f*ck no, I am not okay with you going out, again, and leaving me in the lurch, again.
Tues - OF COURSE I’M MAD.

He, honestly, could. not. understand. why “the exact same thing” (going out) is different over time (like the above), or in different situations (like a day with no plans -vs- a day with school, which is somewhat flexible -vs- a day with work, and is not flexible at all) …all, in his head, “should” have the same response if he doesn’t show up and I have to stay home with the kids, or frantically attempt to arrange childcare, and arrive late… and heaven help us if there was an honest to good emergency (I’m talking car wreck, house fire, kid in the hospital level emergency, not even the low level / subjective “I’m sick” so plans need to change normal part of life, or a missed opportunity “emergency”). Because (spoiler alert!) he wouldn’t change his plans, if an emergency happened, but he would make everyone (us) around him MISERABLE for weeks, if his friends caught wind of what was up (he would tell them) and “we” embarrassed him, because his friends said he should leave, and be with us, instead of out with them. (Because he usually had fairly normal friends, until they got to know him, and left him.) Aaaaargh. Making easy things hard, and hard things harder??? My ex’s specialty. Brick wall. Bang head.

EVENTUALLY? My ex DID get the “consistent” response he wanted/demanded.

<<< me >>> To everything.

- Not thrilled, excited, happy, encouraging, nor willing to sacrifice to make something happen.
- Not concerned, irritated, vexed, pissed off, furious, nor willing to fight to make anything better.

Nada. Ambivalent. Uninterested. DGAF… and? Completely wrote him out of my life. First we were just 2 people who lived together, and then I divorced him.


^^^
So … I don’t know if that’s the kind of inconsistent or consistent you’re talking about?

(normal healthy person with different reactions to different things, & changing circumstance … or WTF I don’t care).

((And I reeeeally don’t wanna project. There’s umpteen different kinds of consistent / inconsistent))

But it’s beginning to sound like it.

No I'm not talking about that kind of consistent/inconsistent. That sounds brutal.

I think what they wanted was someone that would always side with them and never show that they were upset. If I set a boundary say something like please send me a "I'm okay but I need space text." When they would cut communication for a week or more without warning I was told I'm not being consistent.