DontGiveUpOnMe
Learning
Sometimes when I think about this fear, something my mother said to me bounces around in my head.
"You are such a wierdo, you even went in the pouring rain to see that 'therapist'...freakin wierdo..I know doctors who wouldnt want to see you again just after one look at you"
I am afraid my therapist will not want to see me anymore, or my mother will brainwash me into hating her (my mother can brainwash me to believe anything sometimes, and she knows she is good at it).
Right before my session with my psychologist yesterday, it almost got canceled just 30 minutes before my session. As soon as the possibility of this fear realizing itself sunk in....... I started panicking, and felt completely alone, completely completely alone.
During that session, I was so worried that I wouldnt see her again that I just 'spilled my guts' (lack of
better term). She said that she was pleased to see I had made such a turn around from being completely shy and reserved like before.
She even went on to tell me "I want to pull my hair out when I have clients that dont say anything, and I ask them questions and its just , yes...no...yes...no. At least I have some idea now. I feel like we have almost made 100% progress)..
Let me just mention, that this was only my third session. And I havent even gotten to what 'really' happened to me, and she has no idea I even had trauma. So when she said she feels like I made all this progress during the session, my stomach sank because I felt like she wont want to see me anymore. It also made me feel like, maybe I shouldnt even talk about the trauma, because it will only make me become reserved and make her hate me. And maybe the trauma wasnt that bad anyway and im blowing it out of proportion and its unecessary to talk about and ruin things in therapy.
Everything seems to revolve around this fear, my whole week is geared toward "The day I see my psychologist", its the highlighted day in my calendar. As soon as I leave her office, I feel like everything is unsafe and im completely alone. I just feel confused. I feel that maybe what my mother says is true, and...maybe Im just being dramatic by going to therapy. I dont know what I want.
Does anyone else have this fear, how should I deal with all these mixed feelings?
"You are such a wierdo, you even went in the pouring rain to see that 'therapist'...freakin wierdo..I know doctors who wouldnt want to see you again just after one look at you"
I am afraid my therapist will not want to see me anymore, or my mother will brainwash me into hating her (my mother can brainwash me to believe anything sometimes, and she knows she is good at it).
Right before my session with my psychologist yesterday, it almost got canceled just 30 minutes before my session. As soon as the possibility of this fear realizing itself sunk in....... I started panicking, and felt completely alone, completely completely alone.
During that session, I was so worried that I wouldnt see her again that I just 'spilled my guts' (lack of
better term). She said that she was pleased to see I had made such a turn around from being completely shy and reserved like before.
She even went on to tell me "I want to pull my hair out when I have clients that dont say anything, and I ask them questions and its just , yes...no...yes...no. At least I have some idea now. I feel like we have almost made 100% progress)..
Let me just mention, that this was only my third session. And I havent even gotten to what 'really' happened to me, and she has no idea I even had trauma. So when she said she feels like I made all this progress during the session, my stomach sank because I felt like she wont want to see me anymore. It also made me feel like, maybe I shouldnt even talk about the trauma, because it will only make me become reserved and make her hate me. And maybe the trauma wasnt that bad anyway and im blowing it out of proportion and its unecessary to talk about and ruin things in therapy.
Everything seems to revolve around this fear, my whole week is geared toward "The day I see my psychologist", its the highlighted day in my calendar. As soon as I leave her office, I feel like everything is unsafe and im completely alone. I just feel confused. I feel that maybe what my mother says is true, and...maybe Im just being dramatic by going to therapy. I dont know what I want.
Does anyone else have this fear, how should I deal with all these mixed feelings?
