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General Coping in Lockdown - Juggling everything

Thread starter #1
It has been ages since I last posted..... I do hope all is well for you and during this difficult time.

We have been together for 30 years - he was so kind and caring.

I am 49 he is 48...... I have been by his side for 10 years - after the hot and run car accident however the PTSD isn't really to do with that accident - this is from another accident when we first met - and there was a fatality.

I was going to post a few weeks ago to say how wonderful everything is going. I felt we were re connecting again.

But after a massive argument yesterday (after I felt really overwhelmed and upset & instead of supporting me he throws a wobbler himself) :( and a massive argument this morning after I reacted when he moved the coffee table and it hurt my little toe) I am not sure as I just feel wiped out again and wondering why I am still with him.

Things have got really tough as our 14 year old son isn't motivated, getting up really late, he is shattered and I know maybe a lot of kids feel the same but hubbie is getting really wound up by this. He wants him to just get on, be in front of his PC and study. When he has done this he says it is OK to play his PlayStation..... he can be on there for hours and hours - and getting him to come off if it again is super stressful too!

If my son is doing his own thing - glued to a phone or Playstation then things are calmed - however I don't feel this is the best parenting.

I take my time when supporting our son with school work - however he of course wants to get it done super quickly and this causes arguments too.

The thing is I am working (from my home office) and I am the one earning the £'s - so it is really hard for me to stop and support our son.... my work is quite full on and I am really busy. Hubbie was going to do this however he is putting gardening first, things around the house, hoping that working on Instagram will bring him more work and our son is just being left to crack on. If I get involved there are arguments :(

I wondered how you are all doing and juggling with work/ schooling/ lockdown. Amy tips/ advice/ anything thats worked well?!

I would like nothing more than to sit with my son for hours and support him with his school work! However I could lose work / clients too and with hubbie not working we can not afford for this to happen.

Anyway thanks as always for being there.

Stay safe, Sunshine
 
#2
The household income needs to be a priority, so don’t feel guilty if you don’t have enough time to spend doing homework with your son during the day. Everybody needs fed and sheltered... and even the internet you’re all utilizing. You’re providing all this by yourself. You may feel like you’re falling behind, but you are doing your fair share hon.

I know how hard it is to blast a teenager off their gaming system, trust me. My son is a gamer too, and he’s lucky he made it to adulthood without me losing it altogether. He’s totally fine now, (college degree, job, friends, girlfriend, etc.) but he was definitely addicted to that damn game as a young teenager. I had to take it away several times just so he could unf*ck his attitude. I actually took the game console and locked it in my car trunk. He then got it back with the condition that I’d set timers for his game time, and raging/breaking things in my house while playing was not allowed. School work and physical exercise had to come first too. Thankfully we both made it through it!!

I don’t think it’d be unreasonable to have a schedule where school and game time is designated... even if you alternated so he had game time mixed into school time for little brain breaks. Or maybe he could earn his gaming time. Maybe only have the game time time he earns... say an hour of game time for every two hours he worked on school... something structured like that. Maybe making it a reward or privilege earned? Kids that age... bless their lil hearts... can be buttheads.

I know how hard this whole mess is, how stressful and triggering it is for sufferers... but he’s seriously gardening instead of helping his kid with homework while you’re supporting the entire family? I don’t know how to fix that, but I think you’re totally justified being frustrated with that. I’d be livid.

A family needs to work as a team, and on person cannot make the whole team work, especially in this weird time. BOTH of those guys need to be team players right now.
 
#3
It has been ages since I last posted..... I do hope all is well for you and during this difficult time.

We have been together for 30 years - he was so kind and caring.

I am 49 he is 48...... I have been by his side for 10 years - after the hot and run car accident however the PTSD isn't really to do with that accident - this is from another accident when we first met - and there was a fatality.

I was going to post a few weeks ago to say how wonderful everything is going. I felt we were re connecting again.

But after a massive argument yesterday (after I felt really overwhelmed and upset & instead of supporting me he throws a wobbler himself) :( and a massive argument this morning after I reacted when he moved the coffee table and it hurt my little toe) I am not sure as I just feel wiped out again and wondering why I am still with him.

Things have got really tough as our 14 year old son isn't motivated, getting up really late, he is shattered and I know maybe a lot of kids feel the same but hubbie is getting really wound up by this. He wants him to just get on, be in front of his PC and study. When he has done this he says it is OK to play his PlayStation..... he can be on there for hours and hours - and getting him to come off if it again is super stressful too!

If my son is doing his own thing - glued to a phone or Playstation then things are calmed - however I don't feel this is the best parenting.

I take my time when supporting our son with school work - however he of course wants to get it done super quickly and this causes arguments too.

The thing is I am working (from my home office) and I am the one earning the £'s - so it is really hard for me to stop and support our son.... my work is quite full on and I am really busy. Hubbie was going to do this however he is putting gardening first, things around the house, hoping that working on Instagram will bring him more work and our son is just being left to crack on. If I get involved there are arguments :(

I wondered how you are all doing and juggling with work/ schooling/ lockdown. Amy tips/ advice/ anything thats worked well?!

I would like nothing more than to sit with my son for hours and support him with his school work! However I could lose work / clients too and with hubbie not working we can not afford for this to happen.

Anyway thanks as always for being there.

Stay safe, Sunshine
I'm a fan of behavior modification combined with fun stuff. So, for your son (and I bet for you) the computer after a while is both a distraction and a way to distance from the current situation-which is boring and limiting. If you want everyone in your home, to be in the here and now, you need to find something that will motivate them....your husband....and you....and your son. Whether it is a secluded beach trip, kayaking, a drive (drives are allowed here) and a picnic in a more remote location, take a bike ride together, or drive to the park and hang out or go camping in the back yard....it needs to be different and fun from the everyday grind. If you as a family didn't spend much time together...then you are generating new behavior....together (more challenging but if it is fun, and everyone is on board, you can use your "fun time" as a motivator to get out of bed). I'd also increase the praise..if you are smiling and happy.....you are more likely he'll want to be around you.......everytime you see him doing school work....tell him something positive or ask, need any help?.....be there-if just for a moment. If you want him to behave, and don't have time to interact....and aren't making time to interact......then frankly....if he's quiet and distant in his computer.....he is following the rules and not causing trouble and the work is getting done ....maybe not to your liking....but you are not taking time to help him...he's compliant.....so you and hubby can work. Maybe you can adjust your work hours a bit....to have family time. Maybe you can get up and make his favorite breakfast each day so he'll get out of bed......and make him feel special.....and get him out of bed......maybe he can have a few chores to do since he is home....cereal or pancakes/waffles? I'll get up for waffles....cereal is always in the box....I'd sleep in for cereal.

You are stuck inside......and have to maintain a space that is as drama free as possible while trying to come together and create positive memories in the here and now. Backyard cookouts, toasted marshmallows, family fun night (s) are things to look forward to...

For me, I plan things to have fun...even when I'm here alone. I have the 10 ft neighborhood walking club, I crab/fish off the dock, and kayak......planning an early beach trip. Others have an outdoor fire pit, make smores, have pizza family night and games. I have my best friend come over and spend the night who also stays secluded.....we drink sangria, play The Golden Girls Clue game this coming week, while eating cheese cake or in place of our multiple vacations that got cancelled.....we are putting together a 100 piece USA travel puzzle.....it's fun....and low stress. Let your son bake his favorite kind of cake and make up a reason to have a party.....a pandemic party with one candle (for pandemic party #1) and take photos with everyone having a slice and post them to relatives. The situation is what you make it and you'd have to give regular, consistent thought to what you will do together, and change it up regularly. Photos help you remember it.....post on Facebook.....I work to find fun things to post on Facebook.....so other people will be motivated to try fun instead of worrying and complaining......in a void. If you are unhappy.....do some fun things for yourself, too....
Teach your son something new......get him interested in art, photography, or other things you personally like to do.....If you live near the water....all you need to make a raft are 4 inflated intertubes and a platform and tie downs.......doing things together...brings people together....technology...does not.

A posted daily schedule will help...showing when breakfast, lunch, dinner are....when school/work is, and showing when family time/free time are. You can work your sechedule around your family time, chores, and meals so you are present. Free time is just that....everyone's time to do what they want-your free time may mostly be work. You have to have fun in a family, too. So setting aside time for family.....and use that as a motivator for just living and being happy....the rest will come later, ...but I bet if you change the atmosphere so it's more favorable, and you are feeling better about your parenting, and there are more smiles for everyone......then in a few weeks....adults will be happier and ...your son will be easier to tear away from the computer. I'm afraid taking away the video games would increase tension, hostilities, and make it harder for you and hubby to work....so offer fun away from the computer(and don't use those words...or complain about his computer use....as he'll likely be more attracted to the computer)... but get hubby to buy in.The key is to find fun wherever you are and make good memories in a less than ideal situation.......you can do it...but it will take time. This pandemic may last a long time....are you happy with your family dynamics? While you may work without boundaries because you bear the financial responsibilities , you can set job boundaries your clients will respect......for family night, dinner, lunch, chore time, TV family night, letting clients know your schedule....and you'll be contacting them within x hours but at the moment are unavailable.
 
#4
Our four children are much younger than your son and we aren’t in a full lockdown any longer where we live... my son who is in primary school never did the homework all alone but I did traditional homeschool and taught him and other kids (as well as the siblings) like a teacher does. However the kids helped with household chores. I think they coped very well and I am proud of them and here is how we did:

We already told them they are part of a team before lockdown and when the lockdown came we emphasized that we told them they are part of a team and that it is important and matters they do their bit. My experience with young children: they are eager to do their bit.

My husband always says: “Oh, I am gonna be very, very strict on you because I know you are extraordinary children and I can expect much from you“. He is a manager, has read a lot of books about Management advice on leadership and basically likes to apply management advice to non-business life. Actually he often ain’t that strict but it gives the children the feeling much is expected of them.

Basically there is a lot of management advice saying that telling those working under you “Do that job and I will give you a reward“ does not work as well as saying “I gave you that job because I know you are the best man for the job and I know you won’t disappoint me. The team depends on you“. My husband coached me a bit in that management techniques. It gives one extrinsic instead of intrinsic motivation.

So I basically praise them a lot and well it has been easy for me. They are eager to help.
I also explained to them that the coronavirus is a challenge for everyone of us and I am happy that they help...
 
#5
Our four children are much younger than your son and we aren’t in a full lockdown any longer where we live... my son who is in primary school never did the homework all alone but I did traditional homeschool and taught him and other kids (as well as the siblings) like a teacher does. However the kids helped with household chores. I think they coped very well and I am proud of them and here is how we did:

We already told them they are part of a team before lockdown and when the lockdown came we emphasized that we told them they are part of a team and that it is important and matters they do their bit. My experience with young children: they are eager to do their bit.

My husband always says: “Oh, I am gonna be very, very strict on you because I know you are extraordinary children and I can expect much from you“. He is a manager, has read a lot of books about Management advice on leadership and basically likes to apply management advice to non-business life. Actually he often ain’t that strict but it gives the children the feeling much is expected of them.

Basically there is a lot of management advice saying that telling those working under you “Do that job and I will give you a reward“ does not work as well as saying “I gave you that job because I know you are the best man for the job and I know you won’t disappoint me. The team depends on you“. My husband coached me a bit in that management techniques. It gives one extrinsic instead of intrinsic motivation.

So I basically praise them a lot and well it has been easy for me. They are eager to help.
I also explained to them that the coronavirus is a challenge for everyone of us and I am happy that they help...
Starting younger kids out that way, with those expectations.....yes, I agree 100%. However, if the parents aren't completely unified and consistent in their approach to daily expectations, then behavioral management....being rewarded....consistency.....has to be implemented, consistently rewarded, and the parents have to be unified....for it to work with a teen who is ignoring their parents and doing their own thing.
 
#6
I'm with @Sweetpea76 on this. You have quite the challenge. My kids were overly attached to their machines too. We lived in an extremely remote place so it was like living in lock-down all the time.

Since you know that your son can be persuaded by the machine - use it to your advantage and don't feel guilty. Your son and your husband both appear to need some time management lessons.

I think structure is a massively important part of the day. Have a routine and follow it. Might seem overly simplistic but when us human beings don't have structure our productivity falters.
 
#7
The household income needs to be a priority, so don’t feel guilty if you don’t have enough time to spend doing homework with your son during the day. Everybody needs fed and sheltered... and even the internet you’re all utilizing. You’re providing all this by yourself. You may feel like you’re falling behind, but you are doing your fair share hon.

I know how hard it is to blast a teenager off their gaming system, trust me. My son is a gamer too, and he’s lucky he made it to adulthood without me losing it altogether. He’s totally fine now, (college degree, job, friends, girlfriend, etc.) but he was definitely addicted to that damn game as a young teenager. I had to take it away several times just so he could unf*ck his attitude. I actually took the game console and locked it in my car trunk. He then got it back with the condition that I’d set timers for his game time, and raging/breaking things in my house while playing was not allowed. School work and physical exercise had to come first too. Thankfully we both made it through it!!

I don’t think it’d be unreasonable to have a schedule where school and game time is designated... even if you alternated so he had game time mixed into school time for little brain breaks. Or maybe he could earn his gaming time. Maybe only have the game time time he earns... say an hour of game time for every two hours he worked on school... something structured like that. Maybe making it a reward or privilege earned? Kids that age... bless their lil hearts... can be buttheads.

I know how hard this whole mess is, how stressful and triggering it is for sufferers... but he’s seriously gardening instead of helping his kid with homework while you’re supporting the entire family? I don’t know how to fix that, but I think you’re totally justified being frustrated with that. I’d be livid.

A family needs to work as a team, and on person cannot make the whole team work, especially in this weird time. BOTH of those guys need to be team players right now.
Totally agree!
 
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