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coping with taking meds

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I've been on meds for depression, but i stopped because they didn't work anymore. And i really don't like not feeling like myself.
Now my therapist team really wants me back on them and i am really struggling with that. I really don't want them... Of course i know nobody WANTS them, it's hard for everybody i get that.

I am really aggitated and i don't see a future right now. I am trying to look for other ways but i can't see it. It's so hard getting through the days right now without someone to talk to who i can trust.
I thought maybe some sleeping meds and benzo's for when it gets really bad would help... but doc won't give them to me. I got them from somewhere else but it is not the solution. They help me sleep for a few days, but feeling sleepy and weird all day on top of the rest sucks too. they don't calm me down.

So what to do? how do you cope with taking meds when you don't want them?
Frankly, not very well. I've been either unmedicated or "undermedicated" for my entire recorded history as someone with a mental disorder. That's 20 years of doctor's lectures, arguing with therapists and so on.

There have been two pivotal points where I decided to take medication even though I did not want to. Both times I came to the conclusion that not having my symptoms improve was going to make it impossible for me to do the things I needed to do in my life. And both times, I felt confident that I was doing all I could to help myself without taking pills but was not improving.

For me, knowing that I had done the best I could and not gotten better was huge. I had to feel like I had really made the best effort I possibly could and that this effort had failed to work before I was willing to put another chemical in my body. This meant dietary changes, increases in exercise, regular meditation attempts, weekly therapy, etc. Once I had done all the healthy things I felt I should for a bit and still felt like garbage, it was time to consider the possibility that my chemistry really needed some help, but not before. I could not convince myself to do it before.

I don't know if any of that is relevant to your situation but I know I hate pills and have largely avoided them in my own recovery even at times when I probably could have really used the help. It took me a long time to realize that I actually would take pills without much fuss if I had exhausted every other possible, relevant idea first.
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@RussellSue thank you.

I have tried doing the healthy things too, it helps feeling a little bit better but definitely not enough.
I am a perfectionist, what i do is never good enough.
Maybe i am now at a point were I've lost all motivation for anything. I don't care about eating properly or exercising, or getting out of the house. That doesn't help i know,
I just don't care anymore. I can't get myself to do anything.

But i still can't convince myself that i should take meds. I am not sure even if i start i will continue. I keep thinking i can do this without.. i can get out of it myself.
But moving on with this therapy team without meds wasn't an option i think.
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