I'm really sorry for making so many posts, I don't really have anywhere else to vent to since I'm really bothersome. But when the corona began I wasn't really worried about it but I had intrusive/anxious thoughts related to religion since I had just come out of being a "Truth seeker" Basically I was in a religious cult type group and before that I was transgender ftm and taking testosterone and antidepressant/antipsychotic medication and these people told me to stop during that time they told me about how humans are put into the food as well as fetuses, and said that I should stop taking all of my medication even my asthma medication, I wasn't eating and hardly sleeping I was so sick and then I heard about a girl named Jessica who I dated before but was really toxic I heard that she passed away during that time I also had nightmares about Jessica and about another friend that I lost to religion and we stopped being friends I completely had a breakdown then this corona stuff happened we are poor and don't have much food on top of that my mother is very sick and can hardly get out of bed and it seems to be getting worse I keep thinking that they may eat my dogs, that my dad will go crazy, that my mother might die, and thoughts surrounding past trauma I've had. I've tried to drink tea to relax to not think about my past and the situations going on now but it doesn't matter because I end up having some sort of episode or panic attacks I'm so exhausted and slightly in pain I just started sneaking alcohol again it all makes me feel like there is no future for me and people are just the worst of monsters to just hurt someone and not even care it's all too much I will never be able to get my old life back and I'm so angry.