Sweetleaf
MyPTSD Pro
So, I'm going to give some background as to why I'm kinda somewhat scared right now, over a measly 1 night of not sleeping.
It feels like such a wimpy bitch move to be even making this thread, but I just have some fears I want eased.
I had a psychotic episode that started in the last couple weeks of my abusive situation. To sum it up: my brain couldn't handle how bad shit was. I got insanely depressed and hopeless and all that fun stuff. I think my mind broke from reality as an escape from that.
Here is where sleep comes in. Sleep deprivation likely helped start off the psychotic episode, and worsened it after it began. The peak of it all was after a night of not sleeping ( preceded by 2 weeks with about 8-10 hours of sleep total per week). That was an absolutely terrifying day.
Now that I'm typing this out I am kinda easing my own worries... lol. It took quite a lot to get me to go psychotic before, why should I worry about just one thing happening in isolation?
That one thing made my psychosis explode into full blown hallucinations and being totally disconnected from all logic and reason, zero f*cking insight, crazy bitch in 4 point restraints who doesnt even remember how she got there type of stuff.
Sorry, I'm a little loopy. Basically, I know that I'm probably going to be fine, but I'm also really worried because this is the first night since then, that I haven't been able to sleep at all, and it's also a night where my awakeness feels very similar to the awakeness on that horrible, torturous, eternal seeming night where I couldn't sleep during psychosis. Basically, the type of awakeness where you try to sleep, but your eyelids don't even want to stay shut at all, and you simply just won't drift off.
It's the not-being-able-to-drift-off feeling that really scares me, because it was something that scared me during psychosis, and it scared me after. I was so terrified after I got home from the hospital, that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Now I'm terrified that later today or tonight when I try, I won't be able to, and to me that's scary because I know for sure I will go psychotic if I go without sleep long enough. I can have increased dissociative symptoms when sleep deprived, too.
I'm already starting to be afraid of my tired loopyness, even though I think it is objectively normal loopyness, like anyone would have after being awake 24hrs. I keep telling myself it's just normal loopyness, and not the beginning of odd trains thought, and odd wordings of sentences, which comes with psychosis.
Of course if you guys ever see me typing like a crazy person, and making little sense, and typing a lot, or if you ever see me acting religious (I am atheist, but wasn't while psychotic)... please tell me I'm acting psychotic so my insane self can find her way to help. The scary bit is that IRL, people didn't notice I was psychotic until that day I went to the hospital, but online, people had been calling me nuts for like two weeks. I don't know how noone IRL noticed, either, from my view it seems like it should have been insanely obvious, but I guess it wasnt.
Just gonna keep telling myself that crazy people don't worry about going crazy or being crazy, because they're too crazy to know.
Also, I have a therapist appointment later today and I'm kind of bummed that I will be sleep deprived for it. I imagine it won't be as productive.
It feels like such a wimpy bitch move to be even making this thread, but I just have some fears I want eased.
I had a psychotic episode that started in the last couple weeks of my abusive situation. To sum it up: my brain couldn't handle how bad shit was. I got insanely depressed and hopeless and all that fun stuff. I think my mind broke from reality as an escape from that.
Here is where sleep comes in. Sleep deprivation likely helped start off the psychotic episode, and worsened it after it began. The peak of it all was after a night of not sleeping ( preceded by 2 weeks with about 8-10 hours of sleep total per week). That was an absolutely terrifying day.
Now that I'm typing this out I am kinda easing my own worries... lol. It took quite a lot to get me to go psychotic before, why should I worry about just one thing happening in isolation?
That one thing made my psychosis explode into full blown hallucinations and being totally disconnected from all logic and reason, zero f*cking insight, crazy bitch in 4 point restraints who doesnt even remember how she got there type of stuff.
Sorry, I'm a little loopy. Basically, I know that I'm probably going to be fine, but I'm also really worried because this is the first night since then, that I haven't been able to sleep at all, and it's also a night where my awakeness feels very similar to the awakeness on that horrible, torturous, eternal seeming night where I couldn't sleep during psychosis. Basically, the type of awakeness where you try to sleep, but your eyelids don't even want to stay shut at all, and you simply just won't drift off.
It's the not-being-able-to-drift-off feeling that really scares me, because it was something that scared me during psychosis, and it scared me after. I was so terrified after I got home from the hospital, that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Now I'm terrified that later today or tonight when I try, I won't be able to, and to me that's scary because I know for sure I will go psychotic if I go without sleep long enough. I can have increased dissociative symptoms when sleep deprived, too.
I'm already starting to be afraid of my tired loopyness, even though I think it is objectively normal loopyness, like anyone would have after being awake 24hrs. I keep telling myself it's just normal loopyness, and not the beginning of odd trains thought, and odd wordings of sentences, which comes with psychosis.
Of course if you guys ever see me typing like a crazy person, and making little sense, and typing a lot, or if you ever see me acting religious (I am atheist, but wasn't while psychotic)... please tell me I'm acting psychotic so my insane self can find her way to help. The scary bit is that IRL, people didn't notice I was psychotic until that day I went to the hospital, but online, people had been calling me nuts for like two weeks. I don't know how noone IRL noticed, either, from my view it seems like it should have been insanely obvious, but I guess it wasnt.
Just gonna keep telling myself that crazy people don't worry about going crazy or being crazy, because they're too crazy to know.
Also, I have a therapist appointment later today and I'm kind of bummed that I will be sleep deprived for it. I imagine it won't be as productive.