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Couldn't sleep last night - ease my fears of psychosis

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Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
So, I'm going to give some background as to why I'm kinda somewhat scared right now, over a measly 1 night of not sleeping.

It feels like such a wimpy bitch move to be even making this thread, but I just have some fears I want eased.

I had a psychotic episode that started in the last couple weeks of my abusive situation. To sum it up: my brain couldn't handle how bad shit was. I got insanely depressed and hopeless and all that fun stuff. I think my mind broke from reality as an escape from that.

Here is where sleep comes in. Sleep deprivation likely helped start off the psychotic episode, and worsened it after it began. The peak of it all was after a night of not sleeping ( preceded by 2 weeks with about 8-10 hours of sleep total per week). That was an absolutely terrifying day.

Now that I'm typing this out I am kinda easing my own worries... lol. It took quite a lot to get me to go psychotic before, why should I worry about just one thing happening in isolation?

That one thing made my psychosis explode into full blown hallucinations and being totally disconnected from all logic and reason, zero f*cking insight, crazy bitch in 4 point restraints who doesnt even remember how she got there type of stuff.

Sorry, I'm a little loopy. Basically, I know that I'm probably going to be fine, but I'm also really worried because this is the first night since then, that I haven't been able to sleep at all, and it's also a night where my awakeness feels very similar to the awakeness on that horrible, torturous, eternal seeming night where I couldn't sleep during psychosis. Basically, the type of awakeness where you try to sleep, but your eyelids don't even want to stay shut at all, and you simply just won't drift off.

It's the not-being-able-to-drift-off feeling that really scares me, because it was something that scared me during psychosis, and it scared me after. I was so terrified after I got home from the hospital, that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Now I'm terrified that later today or tonight when I try, I won't be able to, and to me that's scary because I know for sure I will go psychotic if I go without sleep long enough. I can have increased dissociative symptoms when sleep deprived, too.

I'm already starting to be afraid of my tired loopyness, even though I think it is objectively normal loopyness, like anyone would have after being awake 24hrs. I keep telling myself it's just normal loopyness, and not the beginning of odd trains thought, and odd wordings of sentences, which comes with psychosis.

Of course if you guys ever see me typing like a crazy person, and making little sense, and typing a lot, or if you ever see me acting religious (I am atheist, but wasn't while psychotic)... please tell me I'm acting psychotic so my insane self can find her way to help. The scary bit is that IRL, people didn't notice I was psychotic until that day I went to the hospital, but online, people had been calling me nuts for like two weeks. I don't know how noone IRL noticed, either, from my view it seems like it should have been insanely obvious, but I guess it wasnt.

Just gonna keep telling myself that crazy people don't worry about going crazy or being crazy, because they're too crazy to know.

Also, I have a therapist appointment later today and I'm kind of bummed that I will be sleep deprived for it. I imagine it won't be as productive.
 
Don't worry, we'll let you know if you're acting psychotic.
Thanks, it means a lot.

You're right. I need to keep telling myself that these are not the same circumstances. I'm not currently being traumatized. I have slept well the nights previous to this one. I'm not at that -intensely- low point that I was at before my mind broke. I just went a night without sleep, that's all.

I did a whole shitload of that in my life, prior to having PTSD. I would stay up to reset my sleep schedule, or because I was finishing papers in university, or just for shits and giggles. Never went psychotic then. Only difference between then and now is PTSD and I already know that that doesn't cause people to go psychotic after -just- one night of not sleeping.

There were also many, many countless nights, where my abuser kept me awake, or woke me up partway through my sleep and wouldn't let me sleep again (partway usually being 30min-2 hours). So there was a time where I had a lot of regular sleep deprivision, on top of being in the middle of being traumatized, and still that didn't make me go psychotic.

I suppose there are a lot of things I can say to myself to help me feel less worried about it, but I just keep having these moments that spook me, where I will notice a coincidence, pattern, pun, or things like that, and think "oh f*ck is this psychotic behavior? am i seeing patterns that aren't real?"

You're safe!
Thank you for saying that, seriously. I have such a hard time making myself feel that though >.< it's so difficult to dismiss these fears, especially as I feel the loopyness increase. I've also been having flashes of derealization/depersonalization, though coffee has helped drive that back a bit I think. This is going to be an interesting therapy visit, considering it's not for another 4 hours. I have flashed into it multiple times writing this post. Kind of just taking a lot of nice deep slow breaths and trying to stay grounded. I know for sure I also dissociated earlier, in my bedroom, like an hour ago.

Going to try to remember to breathe and just make it through today.

Also kinda wondering if this is the wellbutrin dose increase at play - keeping me from sleeping. It's been about 5 or 6 days since the dose went up, and these previous days, if anything, I have had an easy time falling asleep. Maybe I couldn't sleep because of how worked up I got last night, even though I had calmed down a whole shitload by the time I laid down to try to sleep.

Anyways, thanks for the supportive post, it helped me feel a bit better.
 
I keep telling myself it's just normal loopyness, and not the beginning of odd trains thought, and odd wordings of sentences, which comes with psychosis.
Just gonna keep telling myself that crazy people don't worry about going crazy or being crazy, because they're too crazy to know.

Just keep repeating this.... write it on a sticky note and stick it to the fridge, the bathroom mirror, where ever. That you are aware this is possibility AND that you know what it took to get you there the last time will help. Before it was torture that kept you from sleeping until it drove you into psychosis. But you are no longer in that situation. Now it's just run of the mill insomnia. Which sucks. But is normal. You are safe
 
Just keep repeating this.... write it on a sticky note and stick it to the fridge, the bathroom mirror, where ever.
That does seem like a good idea, but I am afraid that it will make my mom/sister worry and think that I'm going nuts. I don't want to worry them with something that, to them, might seem like an odd behavior.
Before it was torture that kept you from sleeping until it drove you into psychosis
It is very surreal to see the word "torture" assigned to my experiences.
I look at the definition of "torture" and it fits, but it just makes me think to myself "that definition is too broad"
When I hear "torture" I think of a rack, chains, maybe someone tied to a chair being f*cked up with pliers and all sorts of shit. Medieval dungeons, witch trials. So on and so forth. I think of that stuff, but I don't think of the things that were done to me. Is this denial?
But you are no longer in that situation. Now it's just run of the mill insomnia. Which sucks. But is normal. You are safe
Thank you for saying that part (well, and the rest of the post too lol). I think that's another thing I will repeat to myself: "it's just run of the mill insomnia"

As much as my brain refuses to believe it, thank you for trying to reassure me that I am safe.
 
is very surreal to see the word "torture" assigned to my experiences.

Yea.....took me a long time to get there because it seemed so melodramatic. I couldn't use that word because it was just to " big". But. It fit. I can fight it and fuss about it all I want...or I can admit it fits and learn to cope. I'm still 50/50...But thats better than flat out denial I guess.
 
Well, my therapist just moved my appointment to 3 (I agreed to it lol) because she accidentally double booked for that time.

Guess I'm going to be an hour more sleep deprived for my session haha.
I didn't want to skip out on it (because I'm also pretty sure I -still- couldn't sleep though I -did- take wellbutrin and just drank a half pot of coffee so maybe that has something to do with it lol)
Yea.....took me a long time to get there because it seemed so melodramatic.
That's basically how it feels to me. I feel like it would be a huge exaggeration to call what I went through "torture", like it is too "big" of a word, like you said. I look at the definition, and it fits into the definition, but it just makes me think "this is a fluke, no way was I tortured"

Funnily enough, I once thought of and referred to the bed in that room I was kept in as "the torture bed"
Not only did so much bad stuff (that I don't want to call torture) happen on it - the bed itself legitimately looked like -it- was tortured.
The f*cked up hard uneven and partially broken stool that I had to sit on? The torture stool.
I came to call those things that, eventually. Yet I can't bring myself to call the things that were done on them "torture"
Interesting, isn't it?
 
One thing I am definitely noticing the shit out of today: I am normally easy to startle, but it's really cranked up today. Literally, my cat walking up the stairs, scared me, because for a split second my brain was like "MOVEMENT! DANGER!" All of the little noises (from my cats, my computer's fan, stuff outside, etc.) are making me start to get really paranoid and panicky. I am trying to stay on top of it and just breathe and remind myself it's just f*cking stupid noise and there isn't anyone trying to break in.

Basically if I am not expecting it to happen, it surprises me today.
 
I have a therapist appointment later today and I'm kind of bummed that I will be sleep deprived for it. I imagine it won't be as productive.
Well I got back not long ago, and it actually was very productive despite me being sleep deprived.

As I was driving there, I started getting sweaty palms and the shakes, which tend to be my "you are heading towards a panic attack" sort of warning signals. I was very, very shaky voiced at first, talking to my therapist. She listened to me about my psychosis fears, and basically did what you guys did in this thread: she pointed out that it's both okay and natural to have those fears, especially after something as terrifying as psychosis. She agreed that it was just normal insomnia, and I was freaking out because of the association of "no sleep = psychosis"

She really calmed me the f*ck down. Then after she eased my psychosis fears, I talked about being treated like an object, which lead to talking about my abuser's control and manipulation, which lead to talking about red flags/warning signs, blah blah blah (I've got it all on paper, in my bag), it was a bunch of how-not-to-have-that-happen-to-you-again sort of stuff, also there was some talking about why I wound up stuck in that without noticing I was in a trap sooner, and without bailing out sooner. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that, well, there were so many f*cking times I could have and should have bailed the f*ck out of that relationship. But, as I must constantly remind myself, I never dealt with anything remotely close to this tier of abuse before, so it's not like I knew the warning signs, and it became abusive gradually enough that I didn't get shocked out of it. If the stuff that was happening at the end, happened at the beginning, I would have instantly broke up. f*ck, if the stuff that was happening 1 year in happened at the 1 month mark, I'd have bailed out.

Anyway though, for now I am so much more calm than I was the rest of the day. I'm still kinda nervous about whether I'll be able to fall asleep, but I do actually feel kind of tired so it might actually work out. I do think I will stay up until my usual bedtime, though, unless I pass out before then. Just so I'm not waking up at 1AM fully rested or something.

Thanks for helping me get through the day, people.
 
How you travelling today mate?
And yeah, if you have PTSD it's pretty reasonable that your brain would see anything likely to send you back into trauma as a trigger.
You've got a neural pathway there which says sleep deprivation = psychosis= dangerdangerdanger! My brain is super good at the TraumaTrain (tm). Where it gets itself into a gigantic state because x = y and it's time for it to worry.
I'm sorry you've been through psychosis, it sounds like the worst kind of trauma sandwich.
I'll keep an eye out for you too. You don't sound psychotic at all to me atm, but if that changes I'll let you know. Knowing what to watch for is really helpful.
 
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