Court Date Tomorrow

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
So tomorrow is the first appearance in court for the stranger that assaulted me on July 4 while I was working. I don't have to be there, so the stress I feel surrounding this is not due to being scared of facing the man. I can't fully explain why I'm nervous about tomorrow's court date, all I really know is that I am. I have mixed feelings about what I want the outcome to be, and again, I'm not entirely sure about the reasons for each.

On the one hand, I hope he pleads guilty so it doesn't go to trial and that I never have to see this man's face again. And on the other hand, I almost hope he doesn't plead guilty, so it does go to trial (because he will lose, there is surveillance video of it happening). I mostly know why I hope he does plead guilty, but what I'm unsure about is the part of me that doesn't want him to plead guilty, and wants it to go to trial. Why would I want that? That would mean facing him, having it drag on for who knows how long, have it effect me longer so I can't deal with other things in therapy because this is hanging over my head.

All I've been doing is thinking about it. I've had so little justice with any past abuse that now that I am seeing justice happening I don't know what I want from it. I'm unsure if I want it to go to trial to make up for all the times I was never taken seriously or believed (from different abusers), or if there is another reason, or just no reason at all. I'm very stressed out and worked up about this. I don't know what time the appearance is supposed to be, so I will be calling several times throughout the day to find out what happened.

I have a scheduled appointment with my T for the following day, and the social worker later in the week. I'm trying very hard to stay far away from self harm as a coping tool after the most recent round of it. I want to cope in a healthier way, so I'm trying to stay distracted from it all. Keeping busy, staying out of the house, and reading a book my T lent me on why women self harm. I'm using every "healthy" coping tool in my arsenal. I want to be better than this, I want to be able to go to my T the following day and say that despite how upset/scared/anxious I was, that I didn't deal with it in an unhealthy way - then I will give myself permission to fall apart.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
The reasons you gave for the conflicting feelings make sense to me. So does the anxiety. I can see where there'd be a desire for some kind of public vindication on your part. You've been let down often enough!

It sounds like you have a really good plan in place to deal with the situation. You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow!
 

RussH

MyPTSD Pro
i think on the one hand you want him to plead guilty so you don't have to testify, and justice is served. On the other hand you don't want him to plead guilty, so that you can testify, and take an active part it getting your justice. Also, by testifing you can face your fear, and beat it.

the best of both worlds would be for him to plead guilty, and then for you to be able to make a statement at his sentencing hearing.
 

AmyO

Confident
Mytai..good luck tomorrow. I am glad that some form of justice of being served for you. I hope that your coping strategies are helping. You are more than that. I used to do the same because I felt pain was the only thing that was real. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending all my positive thoughts your way. You are inspiring to me that you are standing your ground.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
I want this stranger to know that buying my silence was never an option, even though he thought it was. I will be calling first thing tomorrow morning to find out what time to call to get the results of his first appearance. I almost wish I could have my T in a conference call when I get the news of what's going to happen. Going to try and make sure to write it all down so I can give my T all the right details on Tuesday.

I just need a lot of support in this, and I feel like I'm kind of alone right now. I know I have my T on Tuesday and the social worker later in the week, but I feel pretty alone and isolated. A lot of the isolation is my doing, I've done it so I don't have to pretend with others. Isolation is a dangerous place for me right now, so I'm forcing myself to be around someone after work tomorrow night for an unrelated topic to this court thing. She's hopefully going to be a support person during my confusing and scary coming out process with my family/friends. I haven't talked about that a lot on here, that's another topic for another time. Maybe after tomorrow's conversation with her. For now, I'm stressing about court.

I wish tomorrow would be almost over already. This anxiety is mounting the longer I'm awake and can't sleep.
 

AmyO

Confident
The last time I had to go to court and take notes against my ex (for molesting our three boys and abusing me), I started to shake so bad I couldn't read my own hand writing. After a few shaky lines I started the audio recorder on my phone and taped it all. It helped my therapist better understand the emotions when she heard the way I sounded. I know you will do good. I would go into my "cave" when I would get overwhelmed and then just shut down and go "Stepford". Maybe this will help..I got narcolepsy from the abuse from my ex and I started to get so anxious that it triggered my narcolepsy and as I stood to leave the stand I passed out and took a power nap on the court reporter.

Feel free to laugh..I am right now. I had a friend that would always tell me "You just gotta own it." I made it my mantra..it helps sometimes.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Can you do some really solid sleep hygiene and maybe spend some time meditating (if you do that) or visualizing? Just to help you wind down tonight. Tomorrow will happen soon enough.

I had a group leader tell me once, "even if you give yourself permission to just lie down and rest, if you know you can't sleep - it's better than fretting"

My thoughts are with you.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@AmyO, tomorrow I'm not even in court. It's just his first appearance, so I don't need to be there. I was a little tempted to see if I could go but that requires taking work off and not getting paid for it, and that puts more stress on me, and I don't think I would handle it well at all. It might cause me to spiral down fast because I'm not prepared for that.

@joeylittle, I wish I had gotten home early enough to take some sleeping medication. But if I took it when I got home, then I wouldn't be able to get up in time for work.
 

Ghostybear73

MyPTSD Pro
I hope all goes well with the courtdate today. With the recent trauma, I'm not sure it is going to matter what the outcome is, you are probably going to have a hard time either way. Just know we are thinking about you and are here if you need to talk. :)
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Court update: Nothing really happened today, he went/his lawyer went (if he has one), they (accused) want more time to review the evidence I have against him. So the next court date is set for September 29, because apparently July 4th to today August 25 wasn't enough time to review everything against him. I now know the strangers name, but for obvious reasons I can't post it anywhere as much as I would love to.

I was told by the person on the other end of the phone from the court today that when September 29 rolls around he could ask for more time to review everything, which they said is quite common, especially when video evidence is involved. I wasn't expecting this result today, and it's effected me pretty negatively. I don't know what it is... the lack of closure maybe, knowing that he is still walking around unpunished for the crap he did. It feels like this could go on forever potentially, and that once again I may never get justice. I know I shouldn't jump to that thought process, but my mind goes there. It FEELS like this may never end, it FEELS like once again an abuser will get off without so much as a slap on the wrist.

I see my T tomorrow. I really need her. Bringing my foster puppy with me to keep me focused on something in the present or I know I will let myself go completely in her office tomorrow... or later today I guess, seeing how late it is.
 

Ghostybear73

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry to hear this, I know how frustrating it can be. You are strong though even though you may not see it all the time because you are a survivor, I have seen it in previous conversations so don't let him take that away from you!
 
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