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Undiagnosed CPTSD - breaking patterns

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Hi everyone!

Happy to be here. My name's Athill, and I'm in my late 30s.

I didn't know CPTSD was a thing until a friend got me The Body Keeps Score, which I've read, and I've realized I have a lot of issues in my life that stem from having a violently abusive mentally ill mother (who had been in and out of psychiatric facilities for Dissociative Identity Disorder). My survival method has been to build a life where I compulsively detect threats to neutralize them. That is, when I'm not repressing emotions, pulling the ripcord on relationships the second they make me feel vulnerable, and isolating myself from others.

I've managed to this point, but the loss of my cat, who was 20 years old and a wonderful teacher (plus a place where I can be vulnerable), has sent me off the rails. I fear I'm having the breakdown I've thought was coming, ever since I was a young boy.

Anyway, I'm here because I need help, I need to break some cycles, and I'd like to live a different way. I am in therapy, but think an online community would help.

Hope all is well with you, friends, and that you're staying safe.

Welcome to the forum, sorry you've got reason to be here. The Body Keeps The Score is an excellent book, and I can understand how it's made a lot of sense of of your internal experience for you.

Have you been diagnosed with ptsd or any other disorder (Anxiety and Depression often team up with ptsd)? And are you seeing anyone to help you resolve it?
Welcome @Athill . Healing and overcoming isolation is difficult. Having mentally ill parents also is terribly challenging and creates a sense of helplessness and loneliness that results in these feelings of being inadequate or dangerous. I am sorry you have lost your cat, it’s hard. Perhaps you can adopt another one in a refuge? It’s always helping a little life.

I hope you’ll find the support and the answers you’re looking for here. It is a lovely community and it has helped me so much throughout the year.
hello athill. welcome. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

being a dog person, i wouldn't dare compare my teacher to yours, but i am a solid believer that we can, indeed, learn allot from our animals. i'm sorry to hear about the loss of your teacher. for me, the hardest part of loving animals is that we outlive most of them. steadying support while you grieve the loss.

more steadying support while you find your way toward breaking the cycles which brought you here. i've often wished for a better word than "breaking" for that particular need. breaking implies a one time event. alas, the family cycles and base conditioning of cPTSD don't break so easily. it is a slow and tedious process of change. support needed. it takes a village to heal.

hope you find part of your village here.
Welcome to the forum!

I've managed to this point, but the loss of my cat, who was 20 years old and a wonderful teacher (plus a place where I can be vulnerable), has sent me off the rails.
This quote touched me deeply. My old buddy is reaching an age where his eyes are falling, he cannot jump on the couch anymore and every time I think of his passing, honestly I feel my earth shattering. He has been with me for a mere 9yrs (I got him from the pound - a cutest poodle mixed with bichon)...cleverest of all! they were like he has severe separation anxiety (I had no idea then) but thought who cares just look at him! well he destroyed every house I lived in since then! but he stole my heart within a week!

so I got you!

Be gentle with yourself.
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