Undiagnosed CPTSD? Childhood Physical and Emotional Abuse and Other Traumas

WonderWriter

Confident
I’m a 46 yo female, I’ve been married for 21 years and suffer(ed) emotional neglect from my husband and from a narcissistic father, could never please my critical mother, experienced 2 miscarriages and husband verbally abused (he calls it “tough love”) me after the second miscarriage.

move been reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, and I identify with the Fawn-Fight type. I haven’t been to see a therapist yet, but after what I’ve learned reading Pete Walker’s book, I know I’m going to need serious help.

My first childhood memory is from when I was just under 4 yo. My father beat me with a belt until my backside was one, big bruise. The reason: I was at my neighbor’s house while they played in the sprinkler, but I wasn’t allowed to get wet. I don’t remember any details, but I remember feeling pressured and left out so I ran up to just get my feet wet and slipped. Little did I know that my father was watching from the fence. That was the moment my 4F’s were discombobulated. I tried to articulate my feelings, but he called me a liar and beat my tender, wet skin for over 15 minutes - it felt more like an eternity.

My dad never missed an opportunity to abuse me, especially when my mom wasn’t home. One night, she went to the hospital to care for my brother, who was born with sleep apnea, he dragged me by my hair from the living to the bathroom and shoved my face in the toilet because I forgot to flush. Twice, he whipped me out of a dead sleep because my room wasn’t cleaned.

My dad came home from work one night in a foul mood and became hostile; that’s when my mom packed our belongings in trash bags and left. It was after Midnight, and my entire world crumbled in the blink of an eye.

My father refused to help financially or be a responsible parent in any way; my mom’s education was no higher than 6th grade, so we lived in poverty for years. I was bullied in school, and my dad never stopped bullying my mom or making derogatory comments about her in front of my brother and me.

When my mom finally met my Step-Dad, I had become a bitter, angry and depressed child. I hated both of my parents for having to move from place to place and school to school. I attended 4 different elementary schools, but I wasn’t a very good student - not because I wasn’t smart - I just never wanted to get out of bed.

As I got older, I learned Mom wouldn’t be so hard on me if I helped with the housework; however, she constantly went behind me and pointed out everything I did wrong or didn’t do. I eventually wanted to die. I did attempt suicide when I was 15, but immediately regretted it and made myself throw up. I basically gave up thinking I was worth anything to anyone.

My first long-term relationship was with a narcissist who was four years older than me (I was 15, he was 19).

My husband grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who also had gambling addiction and spent a good part of his childhood home alone while both his parents hung out at the bar. My husband refutes any type of therapy, and is emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.

I just want to feel “normal” and be able to make clear decisions, stand up for myself without my mind going blank and set boundaries that won’t get ignored or trampled on.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome. Glad you are here. Sounds like it has been a hard life that so many of us relate to in one or many ways. You reached out and we are listening. I hope you are able to find a therapist that works for you and let the healing begin.

Takes courage to let others know our lives are a shambles and we are ready for change. Wishing you well on this journey and hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
Welcome. Glad you are here. Sounds like it has been a hard life that so many of us relate to in one or many ways. You reached out and we are listening. I hope you are able to find a therapist that works for you and let the healing begin.

Takes courage to let others know our lives are a shambles and we are ready for change. Wishing you well on this journey and hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have.
Thank you for your reply. I wanted so badly when I was young to break the cycle I endured so my children would have a real childhood; turns out I was susceptible and never realized. I’m not therapy hunting atm due to Covid, but once things calm a bit I’m jumping in head-first!
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
It probably wouldn't hurt to start your search now for a therapist. The demand for therapy is going to skyrocket with people who never had problems before, ending up being so overwhelmed by all that is going on.

You may not feel it's time to start therapy yet, but getting your name on a list or two won't hurt. Just a suggestion.

Glad you are here!!!
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I’m a 46 yo female, I’ve been married for 21 years and suffer(ed) emotional neglect from my husband and from a narcissistic father, could never please my critical mother, experienced 2 miscarriages and husband verbally abused (he calls it “tough love”) me after the second miscarriage.

move been reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, and I identify with the Fawn-Fight type. I haven’t been to see a therapist yet, but after what I’ve learned reading Pete Walker’s book, I know I’m going to need serious help.

My first childhood memory is from when I was just under 4 yo. My father beat me with a belt until my backside was one, big bruise. The reason: I was at my neighbor’s house while they played in the sprinkler, but I wasn’t allowed to get wet. I don’t remember any details, but I remember feeling pressured and left out so I ran up to just get my feet wet and slipped. Little did I know that my father was watching from the fence. That was the moment my 4F’s were discombobulated. I tried to articulate my feelings, but he called me a liar and beat my tender, wet skin for over 15 minutes - it felt more like an eternity.

My dad never missed an opportunity to abuse me, especially when my mom wasn’t home. One night, she went to the hospital to care for my brother, who was born with sleep apnea, he dragged me by my hair from the living to the bathroom and shoved my face in the toilet because I forgot to flush. Twice, he whipped me out of a dead sleep because my room wasn’t cleaned.

My dad came home from work one night in a foul mood and became hostile; that’s when my mom packed our belongings in trash bags and left. It was after Midnight, and my entire world crumbled in the blink of an eye.

My father refused to help financially or be a responsible parent in any way; my mom’s education was no higher than 6th grade, so we lived in poverty for years. I was bullied in school, and my dad never stopped bullying my mom or making derogatory comments about her in front of my brother and me.

When my mom finally met my Step-Dad, I had become a bitter, angry and depressed child. I hated both of my parents for having to move from place to place and school to school. I attended 4 different elementary schools, but I wasn’t a very good student - not because I wasn’t smart - I just never wanted to get out of bed.

As I got older, I learned Mom wouldn’t be so hard on me if I helped with the housework; however, she constantly went behind me and pointed out everything I did wrong or didn’t do. I eventually wanted to die. I did attempt suicide when I was 15, but immediately regretted it and made myself throw up. I basically gave up thinking I was worth anything to anyone.

My first long-term relationship was with a narcissist who was four years older than me (I was 15, he was 19).

My husband grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who also had gambling addiction and spent a good part of his childhood home alone while both his parents hung out at the bar. My husband refutes any type of therapy, and is emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.

I just want to feel “normal” and be able to make clear decisions, stand up for myself without my mind going blank and set boundaries that won’t get ignored or trampled on.
Hello @WonderWriter,

Ouch! You've really been through it. With all the abusive relationships you have endured, it is amazing that you are still functional. You are a survivor.

I also suffered childhood abuse at the hands of a father who had been abused. This type of treatment in childhood seems to precondition many of us to continually seek out relationships later in life that turn out to be abusive. It sucks!

Hang in there! As you are reading in your books, there is healing. We might never return 100% to the old "normal," but we can find a new and satisfying "normal." I'm in the process now, and while I have not "arrived" yet, I am finding new meaning and purpose in life.

You are not alone! You are worth more than your abusive relationships have wrongfully said about you.

Best wishes,
Woodsy
 

WonderWriter

Confident
Hello @WonderWriter,

Ouch! You've really been through it. With all the abusive relationships you have endured, it is amazing that you are still functional. You are a survivor.

I also suffered childhood abuse at the hands of a father who had been abused. This type of treatment in childhood seems to precondition many of us to continually seek out relationships later in life that turn out to be abusive. It sucks!

Hang in there! As you are reading in your books, there is healing. We might never return 100% to the old "normal," but we can find a new and satisfying "normal." I'm in the process now, and while I have not "arrived" yet, I am finding new meaning and purpose in life.

You are not alone! You are worth more than your abusive relationships have wrongfully said about you.

Best wishes,
Woodsy
🥰 thank you

Hi @WonderWriter , welcome to the site and sorry for what you've been through. 😊
Thanks. Because of Pete’s book, I’m recognizing that I dissociate; I am also understanding my triggers and now have answers to why I do some of the things I do.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
🥰 thank you


Thanks. Because of Pete’s book, I’m recognizing that I dissociate; I am also understanding my triggers and now have answers to why I do some of the things I do.
You are welcome. And it's great that you are gaining the insight. Simply understanding what is happening to us and knowing we are not alone or crazy for experiencing what we do often helps a lot.

Glad to make your acquaintance though I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Woodsy
 

WonderWriter

Confident
You are welcome. And it's great that you are gaining the insight. Simply understanding what is happening to us and knowing we are not alone or crazy for experiencing what we do often helps a lot.

Glad to make your acquaintance though I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
Woodsy
Thank you. The support means a lot 😊
 

Friday

Moderator
Welcome to the community!
I just want to feel “normal” and be able to make clear decisions, stand up for myself without my mind going blank and set boundaries that won’t get ignored or trampled on.
Something like 70-80% of the population experiences CritA level trauma(s), but only roughly 20% go on to develop PTSD from it. Which isn’t to say that everyone else is just peachy... there are a whole helluva lot of disorders that can result from, or be exacerbated by, the exact same traumas. So a trauma history definitely makes PTSD possible... but there are also a lot of other possibilities in what’s going on / I wouldn’t want you to stop your investigations prematurely.

Whether you’re looking at PTSD, or CPTSD, or something completely different? Exactly what you’re doing; looking into your life, your past, your patterns, & seeking to change things to become the person you want to be? Is going to be your single best ally/strength through this process. From research, to diagnosis, to treatment... to just winging it and seeing what works? The one constant in all of that will be you. So well done, you, in getting proactive to find the best ways through.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
Thank you. When I started researching narcissism (because I think my husband could be borderline), I thought immediately of my dad. He used to pound his fists on the table if Mom didn’t have his meals hot and waiting for him when he wanted it. Looking back at the things I remember and his, “How dare you insult me by leaving” attitude that (he felt) absolved him of all responsibilities as a bad husband and as a father. He used to tell my brother and I, “Your mother is the one who left, you’re her responsibility now.” My eyes see so many things now that I was blind to before. It’s freeing, but I still feel like I got lost in the maltreatment and I want to feel confident and happy - for real this time!
 
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