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Sufferer CPTSD from schooling and struggling

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Hi everyone. I’m a 20 year old university drop out struggling in college now and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD last year after failing my classes. Although my parents are awesome and did their best to provide me with a great home I was very misunderstood in school from the beginning and would often fail classes and assignments despite knowing the information, this would upset my parents and they’d beat me.
I tried to hide my failures but this only made them more upset and the beatings became more violent. I developed a bad case of learned helplessness around 3rd grade and I just stopped trying in school.
Why should I try and make a fool out of myself when I know the beating is going to happen regardless? That’s how I saw it.

At school teachers would try to include me in classroom activities but at the time it seemed like some sort of sick humiliation game. While I was aware they didn’t know what was happening at home I couldn’t stand the feeling of being asked in front of my class of 60+ students where my work was or why I never did my homework only for my parents to ask me the same question with the same words before beating the shit out of me. I hated it.

I was always a very unhappy and antisocial child when it came to my peers. The things children were supposed to like felt like forced humiliation to me and I don’t know why. Because of this I don’t really have any skills or hobbies. I can’t sing, dance, play sports etc I refused to “perform” in my eyes, stuff like that was for circus animals and the “other” kids the ones that got beaten into submission. I was “different” .

I wouldn’t “allow” anyone to beat submission into me or force me to do anything I disliked. I wasn’t scared back then but it’s really caught up to me now and I can’t handle it. I feel so pathetic. I can’t stand sitting in a classroom or sitting through a lecture without feeling like crying. My heart starts to beat fast and I sweat and I shake. I live alone off campus because I don’t like being around people but after I get scared I can’t relax at home. I can feel the beating coming even though it’s been 5 years since I was last hit. It’s at the point where i’m craving being beaten so I can get it “over with” already I can stop waiting for what feels unavoidable.

I need to get over it and graduate but i’m so scared all the time. I miss the old version of myself who could take the pain and still be social and still be herself and managed to graduate highschool. I hate what I am now I really do behave like a well whipped dog and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone about it and i’m making no progress in life
 
hello aspiringgeologist. your username has me foaming at the mouth. to heck with the psychobable! ! ! let's talk rocks and geophysics! ! ! it isn't often i get to say those words without making someone's eyes roll and glaze over.

okay, okay. . . getting back on topic now. . . welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i feel a need to shift the focus from school to those routine beatings you received at home. as a child who lived with nightly rape at home, i don't believe it's healthy for me to blame the teachers and other students for not knowing and/or being powerless to alter those circumstances. my inability to fit in while reeling in last night's echoes is something quite separate than flaws in the academic system. like the parents who did the best they could by beating you routinely, my teachers and fellow students were just doing the best they could with what they had to work with. healing hopes for all. no exceptions.
 
Welcome to the community! 🤠

How well do you understand PTSD? // Is it in your frame of reference to understand it’s the beatings & abuse from your parents that gave you PTSD? Or does that not parse, yet, because school was their vector? (Like other abusive parents use other vectors; their kids not being pretty enough, fast enough, obedient enough, performing highly enough, loving god enough, smart enough, grown up enough, etc., whatever, and all of it total bullshit.)
 
thanks for the response - sorry it took me so long to respond!

i didn’t mean to make it sound like my schooling experience was to blame, there’s a lot more that went on in school that was somehow worse feeling than my home life it’s just so hard to talk about it’s even hard to think about still but i want to be able to make myself talk about it at least online at least once sometime soon. you’re right it’s not healthy for me to blame my school experiences more than my parents who made the choice to beat me.

it’s also awesome to meet someone else who loves geology :) it’s what keeps me going
 
Welcome to the community! 🤠

How well do you understand PTSD? // Is it in your frame of reference to understand it’s the beatings & abuse from your parents that gave you PTSD? Or does that not parse, yet, because school was their vector? (Like other abusive parents use other vectors; their kids not being pretty enough, fast enough, obedient enough, performing highly enough, loving god enough, smart enough, grown up enough, etc., whatever, and all of it total bullshit.)
thank you for the welcome!!

I’m still learning about PTSD and have a LOT more to understand, I really only have a very basic understanding of it. School was their vector & a miserable time for other reasons as well. I was picked on by school staff often as well, it’s a hard thing to open up about but i’m working on it. It’s kind of hard for me to accept it’s my parents that have done this to me because I love them so much & they really are great as long as school isn’t causing a problem but sadly I just can’t get away school.
 
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