aspiringgeologist
New Here
Hi everyone. I’m a 20 year old university drop out struggling in college now and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD last year after failing my classes. Although my parents are awesome and did their best to provide me with a great home I was very misunderstood in school from the beginning and would often fail classes and assignments despite knowing the information, this would upset my parents and they’d beat me.
I tried to hide my failures but this only made them more upset and the beatings became more violent. I developed a bad case of learned helplessness around 3rd grade and I just stopped trying in school.
Why should I try and make a fool out of myself when I know the beating is going to happen regardless? That’s how I saw it.
At school teachers would try to include me in classroom activities but at the time it seemed like some sort of sick humiliation game. While I was aware they didn’t know what was happening at home I couldn’t stand the feeling of being asked in front of my class of 60+ students where my work was or why I never did my homework only for my parents to ask me the same question with the same words before beating the shit out of me. I hated it.
I was always a very unhappy and antisocial child when it came to my peers. The things children were supposed to like felt like forced humiliation to me and I don’t know why. Because of this I don’t really have any skills or hobbies. I can’t sing, dance, play sports etc I refused to “perform” in my eyes, stuff like that was for circus animals and the “other” kids the ones that got beaten into submission. I was “different” .
I wouldn’t “allow” anyone to beat submission into me or force me to do anything I disliked. I wasn’t scared back then but it’s really caught up to me now and I can’t handle it. I feel so pathetic. I can’t stand sitting in a classroom or sitting through a lecture without feeling like crying. My heart starts to beat fast and I sweat and I shake. I live alone off campus because I don’t like being around people but after I get scared I can’t relax at home. I can feel the beating coming even though it’s been 5 years since I was last hit. It’s at the point where i’m craving being beaten so I can get it “over with” already I can stop waiting for what feels unavoidable.
I need to get over it and graduate but i’m so scared all the time. I miss the old version of myself who could take the pain and still be social and still be herself and managed to graduate highschool. I hate what I am now I really do behave like a well whipped dog and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone about it and i’m making no progress in life
I tried to hide my failures but this only made them more upset and the beatings became more violent. I developed a bad case of learned helplessness around 3rd grade and I just stopped trying in school.
Why should I try and make a fool out of myself when I know the beating is going to happen regardless? That’s how I saw it.
At school teachers would try to include me in classroom activities but at the time it seemed like some sort of sick humiliation game. While I was aware they didn’t know what was happening at home I couldn’t stand the feeling of being asked in front of my class of 60+ students where my work was or why I never did my homework only for my parents to ask me the same question with the same words before beating the shit out of me. I hated it.
I was always a very unhappy and antisocial child when it came to my peers. The things children were supposed to like felt like forced humiliation to me and I don’t know why. Because of this I don’t really have any skills or hobbies. I can’t sing, dance, play sports etc I refused to “perform” in my eyes, stuff like that was for circus animals and the “other” kids the ones that got beaten into submission. I was “different” .
I wouldn’t “allow” anyone to beat submission into me or force me to do anything I disliked. I wasn’t scared back then but it’s really caught up to me now and I can’t handle it. I feel so pathetic. I can’t stand sitting in a classroom or sitting through a lecture without feeling like crying. My heart starts to beat fast and I sweat and I shake. I live alone off campus because I don’t like being around people but after I get scared I can’t relax at home. I can feel the beating coming even though it’s been 5 years since I was last hit. It’s at the point where i’m craving being beaten so I can get it “over with” already I can stop waiting for what feels unavoidable.
I need to get over it and graduate but i’m so scared all the time. I miss the old version of myself who could take the pain and still be social and still be herself and managed to graduate highschool. I hate what I am now I really do behave like a well whipped dog and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone about it and i’m making no progress in life