wisteria
Confident
Hello! I just joined after reading a Depression/Suicidality post that totally resonated with me...which is saying a lot because I don't feel like anyone IRL gets me. Last week I started therapy- again. This will be my fifth therapist in 3 years, as trying to find a good match has been a challenge. I'm 47 and finally realized 3 years ago that my mom is a covert narcissist....I think. After having her on a pedestal for so long- albeit a lopsided one- I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm not a 'bad kid' but that she was a crappy mother. Yet I feel guilty even writing that, cuz she did the best she could, right? Or as my friend would say "she was abused too." The very few friends I have don't understand and instead unintentionally invalidate me, which causes me to further doubt myself.
Meanwhile what I do know for sure is that my first relationship was extremely abusive, tho 'thankfully' short-lived. I say 'thankfully' cuz often I feel guilty for being so affected by something so short-lived, not to mention so long ago. I should be over it by now. I wasn't even with him for a year. Why am I still haunted by it? The first half of the relationship was emotionally abusive, the second half physical. The physical abuse was so obviously 'bad'. The sad part is I still struggle to recognize the emotional abuse as, well, abuse. To me it was normal. Thanks mom. But hey, the problem isn't them, it's me.
I spent a lifetime running, literally. I moved essentially every year, filling my life with seasonal jobs. Moving is a great distraction. Life is a series of distractions. If I stop and think, I'll be overwhelmed with sadness and self-loathing. Guess what, I stopping running and now the self-loathing is all-consuming. Meeting with a therapist once a week doesn't seem like nearly enough as I struggle to get through each day. I have no outside support other than three fantastic dogs. They are the joy of my life indeed. But they are a little bit lacking on the understanding. So here I am instead. :)
Meanwhile what I do know for sure is that my first relationship was extremely abusive, tho 'thankfully' short-lived. I say 'thankfully' cuz often I feel guilty for being so affected by something so short-lived, not to mention so long ago. I should be over it by now. I wasn't even with him for a year. Why am I still haunted by it? The first half of the relationship was emotionally abusive, the second half physical. The physical abuse was so obviously 'bad'. The sad part is I still struggle to recognize the emotional abuse as, well, abuse. To me it was normal. Thanks mom. But hey, the problem isn't them, it's me.
I spent a lifetime running, literally. I moved essentially every year, filling my life with seasonal jobs. Moving is a great distraction. Life is a series of distractions. If I stop and think, I'll be overwhelmed with sadness and self-loathing. Guess what, I stopping running and now the self-loathing is all-consuming. Meeting with a therapist once a week doesn't seem like nearly enough as I struggle to get through each day. I have no outside support other than three fantastic dogs. They are the joy of my life indeed. But they are a little bit lacking on the understanding. So here I am instead. :)