Sufferer CPTSD- narcissist mom & ex

wisteria

Confident
Hello! I just joined after reading a Depression/Suicidality post that totally resonated with me...which is saying a lot because I don't feel like anyone IRL gets me. Last week I started therapy- again. This will be my fifth therapist in 3 years, as trying to find a good match has been a challenge. I'm 47 and finally realized 3 years ago that my mom is a covert narcissist....I think. After having her on a pedestal for so long- albeit a lopsided one- I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm not a 'bad kid' but that she was a crappy mother. Yet I feel guilty even writing that, cuz she did the best she could, right? Or as my friend would say "she was abused too." The very few friends I have don't understand and instead unintentionally invalidate me, which causes me to further doubt myself.

Meanwhile what I do know for sure is that my first relationship was extremely abusive, tho 'thankfully' short-lived. I say 'thankfully' cuz often I feel guilty for being so affected by something so short-lived, not to mention so long ago. I should be over it by now. I wasn't even with him for a year. Why am I still haunted by it? The first half of the relationship was emotionally abusive, the second half physical. The physical abuse was so obviously 'bad'. The sad part is I still struggle to recognize the emotional abuse as, well, abuse. To me it was normal. Thanks mom. But hey, the problem isn't them, it's me.

I spent a lifetime running, literally. I moved essentially every year, filling my life with seasonal jobs. Moving is a great distraction. Life is a series of distractions. If I stop and think, I'll be overwhelmed with sadness and self-loathing. Guess what, I stopping running and now the self-loathing is all-consuming. Meeting with a therapist once a week doesn't seem like nearly enough as I struggle to get through each day. I have no outside support other than three fantastic dogs. They are the joy of my life indeed. But they are a little bit lacking on the understanding. So here I am instead. :)
 

Dolce

Learning
You are a well spoken lady and you deserve all the love in the world. I can relate alot to what you wrote with the narcissist Mother and folks invalidating you.
That statement whether true or not about your Mom about her being abused too is very invalidating. I agree. That doesn't make any abuse ok. It doesn't absolve her from responsibility. It is not your fault. Unfortunately alot of victim blaming still persists in our supposed to be more modern society. Folks judge how we cope and deal with abuse and trauma. You have a right to be traumatized from long ago abuse from a partner or family. It doesn't matter that you were with them a year. I also struggle with no real supports no family. It frustrates me when folks invalidate abuse victims with statements like what you heard or I have heard at a church no less, I'll bet your situation wasn't as bad as mine. Something to that effect...and mine was very bad but what's the point of comparing abuse? Abuse is abuse and it doesn't matter if it happened months ago or decades ago it leaves long sometimes life long impacts. You do sound very intelligent and strong though. Don't listen to the voices telling you you should be over it inside or outside your head b/c there is no exact timeline for healing of these kinds of things. I can imagine that the stopping of distractions does bring feelings to the forefront. I wish you the best. We all deserve good support systems and there are no excuses for abuse. You are allowed to take the time you need to heal....and to hurt from past abuse is a normal human reaction I think. I don't know others who have not been through it seem to say to me and it sounds like to you...to just get over it. If it were that easy we would. We are warriors persevering in spite of what happened....and don't forget that you are strong. It's easy to when folks give messages that we are weak but to merely survive what we did we are strong. Aloha.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome. Glad you read something that felt like you wrote it!! This is a great place for support and understanding. The emotional abuse is still hard for me to recognize all these years later and I've been at this healing thing a long long time. So be kind to yourself. It was so normal it's hard to recognize.

Happy you have your dogs. They are great for snuggles and laughter, but they can't tell us it's going to be ok. We can do that for you. So again, welcome.
 
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