Sufferer CPTSD struggling with suicidal ideation

GrumpyCat

Learning
Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD from sexual abuse and multiple, ongoing threats to my life as a child. I had four different abusers growing up, one of whom (and the first) was a family member.

I didn't know I had PTSD until my mom died four years back and I began to short circuit and completely crashed and burned out of my job and life in general. That was when I was diagnosed. I Isolated for almost two years, couldn't leave the house or talk to people on the phone or deal with anything. A year ago, just as I started to begin to overcome this my wife apparently couldn't take it anymore and had an affair (with a known, convicted child molester as it turns out, couldn't have been more a perfect storm for me...) and booted me out of her life. I have drifted from one relatives house to another and have struggled to get work and become part of society again.

I am struggling to keep my head above water. Also trying to keep myself together for the sake of my teen daughter. Specific struggles I'm hoping to have help with or just get ideas on how to cope with; anger/bitterness towards my soon to be ex-wife and suicidal ideation that just hovers in the back of my mind. I am not in danger (I think) of actually doing it but I don't want to have the intrusive thoughts anymore. Finally, my daughter is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I want to have hope again and see value in life for my own sake.

I have had EMDR therapy but had to quit, no money. No other therapy. I know I need talk therapy.
 

AngelKeeperJ

Sponsor
Welcome to the site! I’m sorry that you have the need for such a place…it’s been a refuge for me for 11 years now. Knowing we aren’t alone makes such a huge difference!

There’s a ton of info that will shed light on your symptoms….and give you insight and tools to help you negotiate through this cruel battle.

I’m sorry that money is the issue that keeps you from therapy…it’s wrong on so many levels.

Blessings to you and your daughter. My son is the one who has kept me going. We do whatever is best for our kids so keep going…keep reaching out…you aren’t alone!

AKJ
 

GrumpyCat

Learning
Welcome to the site! I’m sorry that you have the need for such a place…it’s been a refuge for me for 11 years now. Knowing we aren’t alone makes such a huge difference!

There’s a ton of info that will shed light on your symptoms….and give you insight and tools to help you negotiate through this cruel battle.

I’m sorry that money is the issue that keeps you from therapy…it’s wrong on so many levels.

Blessings to you and your daughter. My son is the one who has kept me going. We do whatever is best for our kids so keep going…keep reaching out…you aren’t alone!

AKJ
Thank you so much. It's pretty telling of where I'm at that even this simple act of kindness on your part made me shed tears.

Thanks again and glad I found somewhere I can learn and hopefully grow from.
 

caroline_13

Confident
Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD from sexual abuse and multiple, ongoing threats to my life as a child. I had four different abusers growing up, one of whom (and the first) was a family member.

I didn't know I had PTSD until my mom died four years back and I began to short circuit and completely crashed and burned out of my job and life in general. That was when I was diagnosed. I Isolated for almost two years, couldn't leave the house or talk to people on the phone or deal with anything. A year ago, just as I started to begin to overcome this my wife apparently couldn't take it anymore and had an affair (with a known, convicted child molester as it turns out, couldn't have been more a perfect storm for me...) and booted me out of her life. I have drifted from one relatives house to another and have struggled to get work and become part of society again.

I am struggling to keep my head above water. Also trying to keep myself together for the sake of my teen daughter. Specific struggles I'm hoping to have help with or just get ideas on how to cope with; anger/bitterness towards my soon to be ex-wife and suicidal ideation that just hovers in the back of my mind. I am not in danger (I think) of actually doing it but I don't want to have the intrusive thoughts anymore. Finally, my daughter is the only thing keeping me going at this point. I want to have hope again and see value in life for my own sake.

I have had EMDR therapy but had to quit, no money. No other therapy. I know I need talk therapy.
Hi MichaelM,

Welcome from me too. It's comforting to have this place where I can check in and also not be on the hot seat myself all the time (unlike therapy).

Your wanting to get, and keep, your head above water is HUGE. You are getting there already.

Do you have any hobbies that you currently enjoy?
 

GrumpyCat

Learning
Hi MichaelM,

Welcome from me too. It's comforting to have this place where I can check in and also not be on the hot seat myself all the time (unlike therapy).

Your wanting to get, and keep, your head above water is HUGE. You are getting there already.

Do you have any hobbies that you currently enjoy?
I have in the past enjoyed fishing, photography and hiking. I have more or less given all of those up as they became impractical for me to maintain due to my moving around. I still like to walk, just don't get to hike much as I don't have access to areas to hike.

I am fighting the despair, loneliness and depression as it is not my nature to give up under any circumstances. I don't like to lose. I will struggle until I can no longer struggle. However it would be nice to have a little bit of an easier road to walk.

I refuse to give in, give up or call it quits. My abusers will not win.
 

Friday

Moderator
I have in the past enjoyed fishing, photography and hiking. I have more or less given all of those up as they became impractical for me to maintain due to my moving around. I still like to walk, just don't get to hike much as I don't have access to areas to hike.

I am fighting the despair, loneliness and depression as it is not my nature to give up under any circumstances.
Every time I get sick or injured I get suicidal as f*ck. It’s just something I’ve learned to accept/ignore (in the short term). When I’m dealing with longer term illness/injury? I have to combo the accept/ignore with some proactive workarounds (fine motor, instead of gross motor; this kind of art instead of that kind; etc.). It doesn’t help anywhere near as much as doing the things I absolutely love and adore, but it very much takes the edge off.
 

caroline_13

Confident
I have in the past enjoyed fishing, photography and hiking. I have more or less given all of those up as they became impractical for me to maintain due to my moving around. I still like to walk, just don't get to hike much as I don't have access to areas to hike.

I am fighting the despair, loneliness and depression as it is not my nature to give up under any circumstances. I don't like to lose. I will struggle until I can no longer struggle. However it would be nice to have a little bit of an easier road to walk.

I refuse to give in, give up or call it quits. My abusers will not win.
That's great. l love hiking too.

You can always find something new, or temporary, to pass your time and help yourself.

Kudos.
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
I didn't know I had PTSD until my mom died four years back and I began to short circuit and completely crashed and burned out of my job and life in general.
Similar story to mine, I totally relate to your journey on this alone.
I'm hoping to have help with or just get ideas on how to cope with; anger/bitterness towards my soon to be ex-wife and suicidal ideation
Soon to be Ex - Journal like a mother f*ucker. You need a safe place to vent your hurt, rage, anger, sorrow, grief. You could either start a trauma diary here, or a personal physical journal, etc. It will help you process feelings, good or bad. And, once you're stable and find prof. help it will be good for backtracking purposes.

For SI, since you aren't yet able to work with a professional, I would stick close to this forum searching for coping skills on symptom management (there is so much good info here). Stay clear of threads/diaries were the OP is active SI, and NOT using their coping tools, only soundboarding what they are going through in the moment. That might make your symptoms worse.

Say to yourself, "this is only temporary" over and over. This is a journey not a destination, so you will get through the 'downs' to experience the 'ups' as long as you hold on and take on step at a time.
Finally, my daughter is the only thing keeping me going at this point
Hold onto this with both hands and don't let go for dear life. My kids have literally kept me alive.
I want to have hope again and see value in life for my own sake.
Hold onto this for dear life and don't let go, as this is what will keep you moving through the journey of abuse recovery. Kids will keep you alive, what you want for yourself tomorrow and the days beyond will keep you moving forward.

Three key things to focus on:
1. Stable living arrangement
2. Income of any kind or amount
3. Professional help & maybe meds

Simple but not easy, I know. But mental recovery will come easier for you if those 3 things are in place and stabile. Don't know where you live, but if you are in a non-functional mental state (unable to work), is it time or even possible to turn to Government assitance to get those 3 things in play?

Sitting with you while you find your way.
 

GrumpyCat

Learning
Similar story to mine, I totally relate to your journey on this alone.

Soon to be Ex - Journal like a mother f*ucker. You need a safe place to vent your hurt, rage, anger, sorrow, grief. You could either start a trauma diary here, or a personal physical journal, etc. It will help you process feelings, good or bad. And, once you're stable and find prof. help it will be good for backtracking purposes.

For SI, since you aren't yet able to work with a professional, I would stick close to this forum searching for coping skills on symptom management (there is so much good info here). Stay clear of threads/diaries were the OP is active SI, and NOT using their coping tools, only soundboarding what they are going through in the moment. That might make your symptoms worse.

Say to yourself, "this is only temporary" over and over. This is a journey not a destination, so you will get through the 'downs' to experience the 'ups' as long as you hold on and take on step at a time.

Hold onto this with both hands and don't let go for dear life. My kids have literally kept me alive.

Hold onto this for dear life and don't let go, as this is what will keep you moving through the journey of abuse recovery. Kids will keep you alive, what you want for yourself tomorrow and the days beyond will keep you moving forward.

Three key things to focus on:
1. Stable living arrangement
2. Income of any kind or amount
3. Professional help & maybe meds

Simple but not easy, I know. But mental recovery will come easier for you if those 3 things are in place and stabile. Don't know where you live, but if you are in a non-functional mental state (unable to work), is it time or even possible to turn to Government assitance to get those 3 things in play?

Sitting with you while you find your way.
GREAT advice and thank you so much!

Update - I seem to have found a job... The offer came in, but I'm waiting for the 'official' offer to come from HR, meanwhile I continue to interview.

My living situation is stable for now. My best friend has been able to offer me a bed and I gratefully accepted. I am in the Great Northwet after living in a desert state for years and that's an adjustment but a happy one.

I am hanging on with both hands, nails dug in. I will not let this destroy my life or my long term well being. Despite my wife's betrayal I keep telling myself, I will be OK. I can do this. I have overcome many obstacles in my life and this is just another one to overcome.

I will rebuild. I will overcome. I am not a victim.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I will rebuild. I will overcome. I am not a victim.
Yes, you are. As long as you can feel that, walk that, talk that, you will be just fine, no matter what is going on around you.

Congratulations on the job find. There is a ton of stability in identity for most of us in that. That may be just about enough for you to launch again. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. We are a good resource and a great support system.
 
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