Beautiful post.Similar story to mine, I totally relate to your journey on this alone.
Soon to be Ex - Journal like a mother f*ucker. You need a safe place to vent your hurt, rage, anger, sorrow, grief. You could either start a trauma diary here, or a personal physical journal, etc. It will help you process feelings, good or bad. And, once you're stable and find prof. help it will be good for backtracking purposes.
For SI, since you aren't yet able to work with a professional, I would stick close to this forum searching for coping skills on symptom management (there is so much good info here). Stay clear of threads/diaries were the OP is active SI, and NOT using their coping tools, only soundboarding what they are going through in the moment. That might make your symptoms worse.
Say to yourself, "this is only temporary" over and over. This is a journey not a destination, so you will get through the 'downs' to experience the 'ups' as long as you hold on and take on step at a time.
Hold onto this with both hands and don't let go for dear life. My kids have literally kept me alive.
Hold onto this for dear life and don't let go, as this is what will keep you moving through the journey of abuse recovery. Kids will keep you alive, what you want for yourself tomorrow and the days beyond will keep you moving forward.
Three key things to focus on:
1. Stable living arrangement
2. Income of any kind or amount
3. Professional help & maybe meds
Simple but not easy, I know. But mental recovery will come easier for you if those 3 things are in place and stabile. Don't know where you live, but if you are in a non-functional mental state (unable to work), is it time or even possible to turn to Government assitance to get those 3 things in play?
Sitting with you while you find your way.
Echo "journal like a mother f*cker."
And immerse yourself in positive or acceptance affirmations and literature/community that makes you feel good.
You don't have to analyze too much, if something makes you feel good, follow it.