Crippling Shame And Vocal Tics

[Toadette]

I have a really big problem with shame/cringing. I know this is just residue from the emotional abuse and I could silently work on it...If it wasn't for the vocal 'tics' that I've developed in the last year and a bit.

Basically you know when you cringe and you out of reflex say something like "OH GOD KILL ME NOW" or similar? I do that all the time when I'm by myself or have been around someone for too long (and lose my control of holding them in) and it really causes me distress. Not just the tics in themselves but the thoughts causing them. I feel constantly haunted by the ghost of f*ck ups past. I cringe nearly literally all the time so I am at constant risk of ticking. I used to keep it under wraps around people who aren't in my circle but I've started whispering them pretty much whenever now.

To make matters worse, the tics always say really awful thing. Pretty much always suicidal "I want to die now." Sometimes begging for help. Saying I'm a bad person. Saying I'm a good person once in a while. I feel like I'm possessed and whoever's voice it is wants me to die. Or is begging for help. It makes no sense.

I told my psych but she doesn't seem to be taking me seriously. Told her at that point it was at it's worst in the car (it's now just whenever.) She seemed to mistake it for road rage. Idk, I didn't want to push it because I started to doubt myself. I am literally going crazy here. Is this possibly a form of flashback? Is this a known phenomenon at all in the PTSD community? I'm so lost.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im not sure about the PTSD community but I noticed a physical tic of sorts. I oddly twitch. Its weird, in my opinion, and I hate it. It happens, mostly, when Im in a lot of pain and having a hard time expressing it...or really any time a large amount of emotions is being felt.

I hadnt mentioned it to my therapist just because its that new and i just didnt think of it but im sure he noticed. Theres only so much one can shurg a shoulder slightly with a bit of a head twitch in a sentence before its 'a thing".

He hasnt pointed it out yet though. Not sure he will as I think its rather pointless and everything else sort of shadows over it but I can imagine if it were verbal and a lot more often, that would be quite embarrasing.

What's up with thinking that "just kill me already" is road rage? I do road rage a lot more "real" then that.

Are you having suicidal thoughts or is it just the tic? Im wondering if its just thoughts that are there and just under the surface or the thoughts you think of yourself?

I dont know of a fix. I wish i did. I was actually going to post a thread about my odd new tic...thing so maybe some one else will be of more help. Just know you are not alone! :hug:

 

[Silver.]

I stutter when I am having problems filtering my thoughts, or when I get on overload
I also twitch when I am over stressed
Things I never used to do that have popped up over time. Have just attributed these things to stress
It is nothing frequent and as persistent as what you seem to be experiencing. Do you think it is worth bringing up to your psych again?
What about talking to your primary doctor about it?

 

[Toadette]

Im not sure about the PTSD community but I noticed a physical tic of sorts. I oddly twitch....

Yeah this is the thing, I see alot of people with PTSD/Anxiety who have physical tics like what you mentioned and I fidget alot but it's not a tic. I have no idea why my psych thinks it was road rage, I think she's skeptical which I understand, her caseload is WAY too big. Sometimes I'm skeptical of myself because like I said I can control it to a degree but then I actually get really upset about the things I say when by myself. I don't think I'm suicidal, I'm very scared of becoming suicidal though as I feel it would just take a push so maybe it's that? Seems to me as though it's trauma defence talk because I say "help me" alot and I think the suicidal ticks are like bargaining? Saying oh yeah I know I messed this up but want to die so you don't need to punish me. Seems plausible because like I said it's always remembering something stupid or I'm stressed out (which is most of the time.) A guy from the crisis team said it was anxiety a few weeks back. But I just can't seem to find people who do the same thing :/

I stutter when I am having problems filtering my thoughts, or when I get on overload
I also twitch when...

I'll try bringing it up to the psych again, at the last meeting she changed my diagnosis from Bipolar to Borderline which I don't feel is accurate. Only really admitted to myself it was ptsd a week ago because I realised I was trying to find patterns and answers that weren't there because I just didn't want to face the root cause. Maybe once I do I'll bring up the tics again because hopefully they will make more sense to her

 

[Silver.]

If it means a lot to you (and it sounds like it does), don't let that hold you back from bringing it up. I know it would be nice to hear that there is a cause for this, and hopefully she can work with you on finding some resolution for it.
Sometimes getting a diagnosis can be hard on us, because we don't want to accept that diagnosis. We are often raised with a stigma surrounding such diagnosis, which I think aids in making it harder on us. Sometimes a doctor or T doesn't get the right diagnosis off the bat and it even can take a few doctors to get it right.
I know it's a hard game of trial and error, but you are doing the right thing by continuing therapy. If you find she isn't listening to you it might be time to think about getting another therapist (if that is something possible for you to do)
Best of luck x

 

[lostforgottensoul]

A guy from the crisis team said it was anxiety a few weeks back. But I just can't seem to find people who do the same thing :/

About 10 or so years ago before I moved back to my home State, I was at work and my entire right side of my face, and right side of my body went completely numb. I was slurrying due to it and well freaked me out. I went to the hospital and my Dr was thinking ministroke and sent me into an MRI. A bit later I saw a hospital neurologist I believe and it was him whom said anxiety. Up until then I had no clue anxiety could effect one like that.

So its possible.

I'll try bringing it up to the psych again, at the last meeting she changed my diagnosis from Bipolar to Borderline which I don't feel is accurate.

It may not be, you know you the best, you know?

I have Borderline and did a self diagnosis about the same time this anxiety looks like ministroke thing happened (though I dont ever advise to self diagnosis). The first year in therapy I was diagnosed with it.

It is an emotional deregulation, distress intolerence, type of disorder. Though symptoms of BPD & PTSD often cross, a lot, since mine seems to happen during very high emotional times and i havent fully learned to regulate strong emotions, I can see it connected.

Does it seem to happen during high stress times? Or have any sort of rhyme or reason?

Again, you know you best and if its not a good fit at all then stay on the PDoc. If its a case of having a hard time accepting, I understand that as it took me a real long time to accept PTSD as even being possible.

I hope your PDoc starts to understand and have answers for you and Im sorry this is happening!

 

[Toadette]

If it means a lot to you (and it sounds like it does), don't let that hold you back from bringing it up...

If I'm honest I think you're right about me maybe being scared of the borderline diagnosis because I know people who have that diagnosis and I see how much they suffer. I also notice they're very self destructive and it furthers my worry that I was so bad I pushed my mother be the way she was :/ I'll bring that up to the psych also. Very uncertain times. Just have to keep moving forward. Thank you :)

About 10 or so years ago before I moved back to my home State, I was at work and my entire ri...

Wow that is so strange I never knew it could do that either, makes me wonder why people don't talk about that kind of thing? It only really happens when I don't have something to occupy my brain and and I let my mind wander. I think I just have a REAL big problem with shame and that's definitely linked to my childhood. I have some borderline symptoms but I do think it's ptsd because since accepting that my mind has just been going crazy pulling memories out of the vault. It's hard but seems like my brain definitely needed it. Thank you so much for the help, Just trying really hard to go in the right direction

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just trying really hard to go in the right direction

I can completely understand that.

I also notice they're very self destructive and it furthers my worry that I was so bad I pushed my mother be the way she was

BPD is self descritive more because of emotional deregulation & intolerance to distress. DBT really has helped me there and, for now, medication but I dont think that will be lifetime.

But, no matter what labels you gain to explain symptoms you already have, it doesnt mean you pushed your mother to that extreme! Good moms get help!

But i do understand the thought process. I often ask myself how bad of a kid was i to push them to what they did.

I get the thought process but it doesnt mean its correct, you know? :hug:

Wow that is so strange I never knew it could do that either

Yeah, it was crazy but have learned through the years that mental issues can cause a lot of physical issues for sure.

 

[Amberb]

Yeah this is the thing, I see alot of people with PTSD/Anxiety who have physical tics like what you me...

I do EXACTLY the same thing. And I understand completely the whole not being able to find anyone who does the same thing! I'm glad I found this thread! Makes me feel a little bit more normal!

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah this is the thing, I see alot of people with PTSD/Anxiety who have physical tics like what you me...

Could it be complex PTSD rather than borderline? I got diagnosed with borderline but it's since been changed to c-ptsd, and before I was diagnosed with bpd I thought I had bipolar, just a thought.I've noticed lots of people get misdiagnosed with bpd when It's actually Cptsd. It's seems to especially be the case of your stuff dumbest to abuse or neglect or are in regular contact with triggery family members. Just my experience, it may not be the case for you, but I was the same, just didn't resonate with the bpd diagnosis and the symptoms cleared up when I got out of the abuse/toxic relationship dynamic.
Also, have you heard of TRE? Maybe google it, if not, it might help with the tics.

 

[Teasel]

I do EXACTLY the same thing. And I understand completely the whole not being able to find anyone who does the same thin...

Me too Amberb :)

There are seVera diffeent words or short phrases that pop out of my mouth - "Bastard"
"Wanker"
"I wanna cry"
"I wanna die"
"Hate you"
"No no no no no"
I figure it's something to do with being surrounded with abusive ex and ex best friend for decades and having no-one in my life that would hear or validate me or my experience. It's like these repressed sentiments can't help but burst out.

 

[Amberb]

Me too Amberb :)

There are seVera diffeent words or short phrases that pop out of my mouth - "Bastard...

Yeah,"hate, hate" "I've had enough" "can't be arsed" make some strange uncomfortable noise, and my body tenses up too its like I also have motor tics, because I can grimace my face, tense my leg, etc

I also have this thing where ill whisper things if I'm around people, it's completely involuntary, but it's just a bit strange!