Crying and having hard time stopping.

cntrymom08466

Confident
I feel so guilty for what I feel like is helping my ex (kids' father) rape my daughter. Not intentionally, but if would be angry, I would say "why don't you go out and talk to your dad" when he was out in the shed or something. Cause they seemed to get along and in reality he raped her. How do get over the guilt????!!!

Thoughts for today and I can't seem to stop crying. And I am missing my dad a lot!! He was in the hospital at this time last year and died on Nov. 25.

I have been so out of sorts lately I guess is one way to put it. I feel like it’s easy to aggravate me and I don’t really like the way I have been lately. I don’t like myself much anyway, but even worse right now. Aaron is passionate about the election and supporting Trump, which I do, but it seems he wants to see people’s reaction or have confrontations with them. Like he wants to argue. I hate confrontations. Jim used to get angry all the time over nothing it seemed. I don’t remember why he would get mad. I just remember feeling anxious a lot worrying if he was going to get mad or not. Or he would blow up so easily. Once he kicked the tv and knocked off the gingerbread houses I had sitting on top of them. (we had a console tv then. ) And I remember him kicking an empty high chair once and storming out the door or storming to the bedroom. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was not good enough. I remember asking Miranda to go out and talk to her dad cause I it always seemed put him in a better mood. Now I know why and I hate that I did that. Oh this hurts so bad and I can’t stop crying. I keep seeing her being so sweet and I helped ruin her.
 

Still Standing

MyPTSD Pro
A few thoughts here...first, you did NOT ruin your daughter. You were mothering as any mom would do. In that, a situation was taking place outside of your knowledge. You cannot intervene and protect if you did not know the truth of what was taking place. There has to come a point in time that you drop the self-punishment of self-blame. Beating yourself up for so long does not help you or your daughter to heal. It only keeps fanning the flames of pain. Sometimes, we have to change our fight patterns into something that promotes a better life. I guess that is what most of us here on this forum are trying to do with our past traumas...changing our thoughts patterns and actions into a healthier manner. Is it easy? No. But, there are options that will be more helpful for you and your daughter.

I have a close friend who can relate with your experience. Her three daughters were all molested by their father. Two of the three are still heavily impacted by it. My friends carries heavy sorrow because she did not know what was taking place, either. She still cries over it. However, she decided one day that beating herself up all the time was not helping her and it prevented her from being supportive with her daughters. She came to understand that she was a victim in the situation just as much as her daughters. She was NOT the perpetrator...nada...nope. (And neither are you.) She didn't have to carry that false narrative that she was guilty around anymore. When she understood this and stopped beating herself up, her stress level decreased and she was able to support her girls without her own issues interfering with what they needed from her. My friend will still cry about her family's story and that is OK. It is grief speaking not self-blame. I hope you are able to begin to switch your self-blame to grief so you can better maneuver through it to a less stressful place.

I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. Memories and pain are tough. I hope that you find a way to be comforted and find a way to refocus back into a less stressful day. You are worth every ounce of effort it takes to bring healing into your life.
 

cntrymom08466

Confident
A few thoughts here...first, you did NOT ruin your daughter. You were mothering as any mom would do. In that, a situation was taking place outside of your knowledge. You cannot intervene and protect if you did not know the truth of what was taking place. There has to come a point in time that you drop the self-punishment of self-blame. Beating yourself up for so long does not help you or your daughter to heal. It only keeps fanning the flames of pain. Sometimes, we have to change our fight patterns into something that promotes a better life. I guess that is what most of us here on this forum are trying to do with our past traumas...changing our thoughts patterns and actions into a healthier manner. Is it easy? No. But, there are options that will be more helpful for you and your daughter.

I have a close friend who can relate with your experience. Her three daughters were all molested by their father. Two of the three are still heavily impacted by it. My friends carries heavy sorrow because she did not know what was taking place, either. She still cries over it. However, she decided one day that beating herself up all the time was not helping her and it prevented her from being supportive with her daughters. She came to understand that she was a victim in the situation just as much as her daughters. She was NOT the perpetrator...nada...nope. (And neither are you.) She didn't have to carry that false narrative that she was guilty around anymore. When she understood this and stopped beating herself up, her stress level decreased and she was able to support her girls without her own issues interfering with what they needed from her. My friend will still cry about her family's story and that is OK. It is grief speaking not self-blame. I hope you are able to begin to switch your self-blame to grief so you can better maneuver through it to a less stressful place.

I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. Memories and pain are tough. I hope that you find a way to be comforted and find a way to refocus back into a less stressful day. You are worth every ounce of effort it takes to bring healing into your life.
Thank you for that. I was just sitting here worried people would judge me after I said all that. My ex was bi-polar and angry a lot. I can see he was manipulative now. I met him when I was 18 in 1984 and the abuse came out in 2003. I do try to tell myself I'm not to blame, but it's hard. I want to apologize to her, but not sure it would do her any good right now. All my kids are grown. It only seems to impact my oldest the most. She was the one that was abused the longest.. She finally spoke up when it was starting to happen to her sister who is 7 years younger than her. But how do you get to the point of not blaming yourself for everything? I've been having a hard time crying lately, I know it's a rough time of year for me. Mainly because last year at this time my father was in the hospital for 1 1/2 months and died on November 25. But I haven't letting myself cry and when I started this morning..I was having a hard time stopping it. And I felt so angry and wanted to hit something or bang my head against the wall. I want to let it all go so I'm not so angry all the time and can't seem to laugh much. Even though I'm raising my granddaughter from my stepdaughter. I don't know right now. I'm kind of sad at the moment and tired.
 

Still Standing

MyPTSD Pro
There is power in forgiveness. It cuts the ties of hate, bitterness, guilt etc.from one to another. It is a choice and attitude changer if you let it. It does not in any way let the offender off or negate circumstances but, it does allow one to drop and walk away from letting the "power" of someone else's wrong be yours. As for apologizing to your daughters, do it. It is healing if it is allowed to be. And there is also a lessening of the guilt one carries. Case in point: I have asked my children to forgive me for being a poor mother. I have asked this more than once, wanting to give them opportunity to consider my request and respond. To date, I have had no response from them. This makes me sad but I have sincerely done my part in making things "right" and what transpires from this is in their hands. I know my heart and my asking their forgiveness was honest and sincere. I fully accept my faults in the matter. I can do no more. Regardless if they are able to extend forgiveness to me or not, my heart is more free. Hopefully, your daughters will be touched by your vulnerability and honest concern and love to ask them to forgive you for their possible hurt and perceptions that you did not intervene on their behalf. And how healing it would be for them to know your side of the story. Knowing the truth about things can go a long way in helping heal such a situation. Maybe they do not fully understand how you were in the dark for so long about their abuse. Informing and asking for forgiveness can be a way to strengthen relationships. It may take time for them to process new information but as long as they know your sincerity and love in the matter, hopefully it will give them another opportunity to find a way to heal deeper over things.

You ask how you stop blaming yourself. As easy as it sounds, it can be difficult. You have to make a conscious choice to stop blaming yourself. It is like choosing to change a habit. You have to do some strong self-talk. When you fall into that head voice telling you that you are at fault or whatever, speak outloud and refute the thought. It sounds wierd but it does work. I have a certain "voice" that tells me a lie about myself. I used to listen to that lie. One day I got so mad at it that I yelled back in defense. It felt sorta good. After that, whenever that accusing voice spoke, I instantly, and out loud, rebuffed it by saying it was a liar. I refused to entertain the lie. Now when that voice speaks, I simply reply, "Liar" and go on with my life. It no longer controls me. Now, I have other issues that need to be addressed but, sometimes one has to pick their battles and this was the biggest at the time.

It sounds like your grief over your father is probably adding to your stress and regrets. Maybe it would benefit you to find a grief support group. It could give you a voice and an avenue of support from others who relate with you. It sounds like you could use some understanding and kindness in that regard. 🙂
 
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