Undiagnosed CSA 8 to 18 - Disconnect between my brain and my body for so long. I crave security, intimacy, and genuine love but I shut down at the thought of it

Stellia

New Here
Hello, I’m very new here..but I’ve read through a lot of users’ experiences and it’s made me feel much less alone. I’m currently 21 y.o..but have dealt with sexual abuse from around age 8-9 and rape at 12. Other “smaller” sexual incidents occurred from 12-18..much of it is blocked from my mind, but it’s like my body refuses to forget what I went through. I really don’t remember much of my childhood/teen years, other than needing to grow up so soon. No one knows about this, besides well..whoever is reading this now.

There’s been this disconnect between my brain and my body for so long. I crave security, intimacy, and genuine love but I shut down at the thought of it.

I’m hoping that by joining this community I can begin to piece together what I can do to recover & understand myself better. But really..just knowing that I’m not the only one who’s gone through stuff, is such a relief. I have no one to confide in currently, so I’ll share my story in hopes that it’ll help someone too. Thank you for having me. You are all such beautiful souls. Much love. X
 

Rumors

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome and I hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have. I read a lot more than I post. That alone has helped me through some pretty awful days! CSA survivor here too, mine started at 4. I would love to have security, intimacy and genuine love as well but I keep picking all the wrong people. 🤣
 

Stellia

New Here
Welcome aboard!

This. One of the best, most succinct ways I’ve heard this said in a long, long time.

Again, Welcome.
Thank you so very much. I’m not gonna lie all the replies so far have made me very emotional lol. I appreciate the warm welcome~ 🪴

Welcome and I hope you find this forum as helpful and supportive as I have. I read a lot more than I post. That alone has helped me through some pretty awful days! CSA survivor here too, mine started at 4. I would love to have security, intimacy and genuine love as well but I keep picking all the wrong people. 🤣
Hehe, I feel you there! Currently just focusing on myself for now, before dipping my toes into the sea for fishies. Thank you for the welcome~I’ll definitely be reading the posts here. It’s been a great help so far. 🐝
 

daisydew

Learning
Welcome to the forum! I hope it's helpful to your healing journey.

There’s been this disconnect between my brain and my body for so long. I crave security, intimacy, and genuine love but I shut down at the thought of it.
This is incredibly relatable. I don't remember much of my childhood--I have some CSA memories, but I always feel I could be making it up. Either way, I relate to this a lot. I'm in my early twenties as well and have a very difficult time with intimacy, even though it's something I want to be able to do. I think a lot of people feel like that, especially with trauma, so there's definitely hope to heal and learn how to be comfortable in relationships.
 

MW1

New Here
Hello, I’m very new here..but I’ve read through a lot of users’ experiences and it’s made me feel much less alone. I’m currently 21 y.o..but have dealt with sexual abuse from around age 8-9 and rape at 12. Other “smaller” sexual incidents occurred from 12-18..much of it is blocked from my mind, but it’s like my body refuses to forget what I went through. I really don’t remember much of my childhood/teen years, other than needing to grow up so soon. No one knows about this, besides well..whoever is reading this now.

There’s been this disconnect between my brain and my body for so long. I crave security, intimacy, and genuine love but I shut down at the thought of it.

I’m hoping that by joining this community I can begin to piece together what I can do to recover & understand myself better. But really..just knowing that I’m not the only one who’s gone through stuff, is such a relief. I have no one to confide in currently, so I’ll share my story in hopes that it’ll help someone too. Thank you for having me. You are all such beautiful souls. Much love. X
Please read the book "The Haunted Self." The theory of structural dissociation. This book is the most advanced on the topic of dissociated parts. It is the god book of trauma. So advanced that I believe its literature will last for a century. You can buy it on Amazon Kindle for maybe $30 Ebook if you like e-books. Hard copy costs much more, I believe. If therapists do not understand structural dissociation well, then most therapists will fail to help you—my firm opinion. But are you ready for this book? is my concern. You may not be ready. It is quite a read, difficult literature to understand and very confidently written. Good luck for you, you have my empathy.
 

grief

Sponsor
much of it is blocked from my mind, but it’s like my body refuses to forget what I went through.
you are not alone with this and if you do decide to start to work through some of this stuff you may find that barrier begins to decrease. there is a lot of things that i realize i do not remember (which i assumed i remembered everything) and as i interact with that more it becomes more obvious that i do "know" what it is but my mind cannot seem to access it because it feels like sticking my whole hand into a roaring fire. my survival mechanism will not let me do it. but i expect the more that you get to work through your issues the less imperative that survival mechanism may become and the more closure and answers you will receive. either way welcome to the community & we are really glad that you are here.
 
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