CSA and strange sexual desires make me feel disgusting

Needwings4

New Here
I have a cycle. Something stressful happens and triggers me. Then I start having flashbacks and nightmares of CSA. Also have a relapse of ED and SH and then I become extremely hyper sexual. I crave very rough, dark sex. I feel so gross and ashamed.
Which is the problem-
My husband a) has a low sex drive and constantly turns me down and b) won’t participate in the type of sex I desire. I feel disgusting for my desires and my husband seems to be disgusted by them also. I don’t know what to do. It just makes me feel very angry with myself, with him. Makes me feel very alone.
Anyone else have similar issues?
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
I know you said you can’t afford a therapist and honestly that’s what my advice would be. Outside of that- you aren’t alone. There’s more than a few of us in that same boat. Me definitely being one of them.
 

Needwings4

New Here
I know you said you can’t afford a therapist and honestly that’s what my advice would be. Outside of that- you aren’t alone. There’s more than a few of us in that same boat. Me definitely being one of them.
Ty. At least I know I’m not alone. It’s just very confusing and makes me feel so messed up. At this point I guess I’m going to have to find a way to get therapy. Doesn’t seem to be any other option lol. All I can do is laugh at this point 😅
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
Ty. At least I know I’m not alone. It’s just very confusing and makes me feel so messed up. At this point I guess I’m going to have to find a way to get therapy. Doesn’t seem to be any other option lol. All I can do is laugh at this point 😅

Definitely not alone. Are you being safe about it though? That’s where I get myself into trouble. I’m not attached to anyone so I have a tendency to act out those things with strangers and that doesn’t always go well. If you’re at least not doing that you’re good lol.
 

Needwings4

New Here
Definitely not alone. Are you being safe about it though? That’s where I get myself into trouble. I’m not attached to anyone so I have a tendency to act out those things with strangers and that doesn’t always go well. If you’re at least not doing that you’re good lol.
Wow you do get it! I’ve been trying so hard to resist doing precisely that. I don’t want to hurt my husband is the only reason why I don’t. But it’s so hard to resist when he won’t do anything.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
I get it totally. It’s not healthy though. But I’m just like 2 months into really being in therapy for it so I’m not much help. Therapy has brought out a lot of urges to try to make it worse.
 

Needwings4

New Here
I get it totally. It’s not healthy though. But I’m just like 2 months into really being in therapy for it so I’m not much help. Therapy has brought out a lot of urges to try to make it worse.
I could see how therapy would make it worse initially. Focusing on past trauma would make the urge worse.
I never want that type stuff until I’m having all the flashbacks and crap. Which the in turn makes me feel disgusting.
It’s like all I want is pain.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
I could see how therapy would make it worse initially. Focusing on past trauma would make the urge worse.
I never want that type stuff until I’m having all the flashbacks and crap. Which the in turn makes me feel disgusting.
It’s like all I want is pain.

Question, does there have to be sex involved with the pain you want? I ask because there’s ways of getting the pain (with a sadist in bdsm) safely and with negotiations put in place without cheating on your husband if you don’t include sex in the equation. But if it’s tied too much thay may not work.
 

Needwings4

New Here
Question, does there have to be sex involved with the pain you want? I ask because there’s ways of getting the pain (with a sadist in bdsm) safely and with negotiations put in place without cheating on your husband if you don’t include sex in the equation. But if it’s tied too much thay may not work.
Good question. Had to think about that for a second. Unfortunately I think if another person was involved I would need it to be sexual. I don’t really know why that is. Like it’s a pain that is similar but different from SHing alone by myself. Doesn’t that make sense?
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
Good question. Had to think about that for a second. Unfortunately I think if another person was involved I would need it to be sexual. I don’t really know why that is. Like it’s a pain that is similar but different from SHing alone by myself. Doesn’t that make sense?
Yup totally does. Also hugs cause I feel ya.
 

Missycat

MyPTSD Pro
@Needwings4 , as others have said , you are not alone and this is also a safe place for you to share and be open about your feelings, concerns etc.
As a survivor of CSA i totally understand what you say and how you feel. Anything sexual is a major trigger and brings all sorts of feelings , namely guilt and shame. It took me a very long time to speak to my therapist and i remember her saying that due to my history i was associating anything sexual with what happened and the grooming i received and then this was causing the feelings of guilt . Your desires you mention are not illegal, doesnt hurt anyone - its because its linked to your history, what happened to you as a child.
i wish you well and hope you find the site / forums useful.
 
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