Childhood CSA (child sexual abuse) and COCSA (child on child sexual abuse) possibly. I have no idea what to do with these memories/this information.

where_am_i

New Here
i can’t live with this by myself any longer. i need it out.

i don’t really remember much and admittedly I don’t have the best memory in general (everything always feels so fuzzy and fake and i can never trust whether a memory of mine is real or a figment of my overthinking) so these events may be out of order.

as a young kid (I don’t remember how old i was but i couldn’t dress myself properly yet) i remember this older boy my mom babysat touching me. my mom saw but didn’t stop it. she just called his mom to come get him and whenever his mom showed up she blamed me and physically pushed me away. i genuinely didn’t understand that it was bad or what had happened at all in general. He had said it was a game, playing “house,” playing “mom and dad,” and i believed him because why shouldn’t i. he would also constantly ask me to watch him pee. me, my sister, and his sister would all sit on the tub chatting as he peed because he always forced us to watch.

I also remember, being exposed to sexual contents since i was very young (such as scenes from horror movies and porn) and seeing my parents having sex (they would do it in the same room as us while me and my sister “slept”).

I don't know when it started but I remember playing a “tickling game” with my younger sister (she’s two years younger than me) and our friend (I don’t remember her age but she’s also younger than me I think or maybe the same age). I can't determine who initiated it because I can't remember. But i don’t remember ever protesting it. deep down i worry that it was me though and i constantly overthink about it and feel so much disgust for myself.

Another scenerio is when 2 of my girl cousins (a bit younger than me or the same age as me maybe) had pulled a blanket over them and us, me and my sister, before asking if we could play a “tickling game”. their dad walked in though and i think he knew what was going on because he yelled at all of us and looked at us with such disgust and ive never been able to shake that feeling. they, my cousins, would constantly tickle us and purposely touch our privates. as of today im sure their grandpa who they were living with at the time, had been sa-ing them.

Another is when my older cousin was sa-ed by my grandpa. at the time both me and my sister had also been staying with my grandpa but we were so young. i don’t remember anything happening but recently I had this memory of my little sister being allowed to sleep in my grandma and grandpas room while I slept on the couch in the living room. To this day i blame myself and think of what could’ve happened behind that closed door while I slept. and our parents never chose to get us tested after it had come to light what he’d done to my cousin so I guess we’ll never know for sure.

whenever i had my first sex ed class, which was only one 5 minute video in 5th grade mind you, i panicked. i convinced myself that i was pregnant.

The lack of education on the subject lead to an intense phobia of pregnancy. i thought the “playing” with the two girls and boy, even though it had been years ago, had caused it. I would collapse in the bathroom at home after school praying to god, anybody, to get rid of it. to help me. Any percieved movement in my stomach led to full on panic attacks. Id spend my school breaks in a deep depression where i was convinced i was actually dying. I felt disgusting.

i don’t even remember when i finally learned how pregnancy actually worked but it was by high school definitely.

By the time i was in 7th grade i hardly talked anymore, and began self harming in more lasting ways as a punishment to and for myself.

much later on, as a freshman in high school, another situation had happened. my sisters friend had sa-ed me during a sleepover. she kept trying to get me to change in front of her and when she thought i was asleep later on she touched and kissed me. im so ashamed of this. I should’ve stopped her but I was so scared. I was older than her and I didn’t do anything. I feel so weak.

needless to say it messed me up. i was such a hypersexual child and so curious. i would touch myself constantly and have dreams of shadowy figures touching me. id have vivid and reoccurring nightmares of these shadowy figures surrounding my bed as i slept and id wake up terrified looking for any evidence that they’d actually been there.

these actions still heavily and negatively affect my life (I am 18 now). whenever i remember anything im sent into a panic attack. I hate people's touch, relationships make me feel so sick and nauseous because I can't stand the thought of being intimate with anyone, I haven't had sex before and hate the idea of actually doing it ever, I am awkward and uncomfortable with witnessing sexual activities whether it’s in a movie or in real life but it’s okay when read in a novel most of the time oddly enough, I have turned into such a recluse and don't like associating with people, I have severe social anxiety, and I never leave the house for anything besides school.

i can’t stop thinking to myself: why do I feel like this or why do I feel this guilty and disgusting if It wasn’t my fault/if I didn’t initiate it?

Not remembering much adds to the frustration and guilt so much.

I try and tell myself that I was a young child. that it wasn’t my fault. but it’s as if I desperately need to hear it from someone else before I can ever truly begin to believe those words.

There are days still where it feels like my chest is caving in with all this confusing guilt, disgust, and self loathing. I wish i could go back and prevent all of those things from ever happening. i want to get better but i don’t know how. i just want it all to stop. i want my childhood back.
 

seshprinny

New Here
i can’t stop thinking to myself: why do I feel like this or why do I feel this guilty and disgusting if It wasn’t my fault/if I didn’t initiate it?
A normal part of child development is the egocentric stage, where children think (in overly simplified terms) that they cause what is happening around them. They have not learned yet that people have willpower or that there are complicated dynamics at play that influence people's behaviour. They think, if mom shouts at me, its because I'm bad, it's my fault.

I think when sa happens to children it becomes this elephant in the room for them, where they can't talk to a safe adult about it and get a grown up perspective (or help!).

I can relate to some of this, I had a cousin want to try out sex with me when I was 6/7. They made me promise to do it before they told me what it was. Now, they were also young so it's hypothesised that no actual sex took place, but the experience stayed with me every moment of every day. I began acting it out with other cousins and my brother - which I also feel a lot of shame about. But that's how children figure things out, they don't have the language to talk about these things.

If you are ever in a place where you can safely access a good therapist, I think it could help a lot. This was never your fault, and will never be your fault. It's hard to put it down though. I did some form of tapping therapy about the incident with my cousin, because I couldn't speak about it without becoming hysterical. Now I feel mostly indifferent to it. It is such a heavy weight to carry on your own though, I hear you. Sending you lots of warm thoughts.
 

Sideways

Moderator
i can’t live with this by myself any longer. i need it out.
There are days still where it feels like my chest is caving in with all this confusing guilt, disgust, and self loathing.
Life doesn't need to be this difficult. Have you considered finding yourself a therapist? One of the things that can be really successfully addressed through therapy is claiming back control over our internal distress and distressing thoughts.

The kind of distress you're describing sounds really awful. Life doesn't need to be this hard - you're allowed to get help to overcome these issues. That's exactly what therapy is for:)
 
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