Childhood CSA, EMDR, violent flashbacks and body memories

S

Sisi

Hello,
As a child at 13 I was taken out of my home and put into foster care because of sexual abuse claims. My stepmom and dad were getting a divorce and she told cps that my dad has been sexually abusing me. At the time I denied it and had no memory so the case was dismissed and I returned home after.
my dad got a divorce from my step mom and he raised me the rest of my life. Whenever I brought up that time in my life my father would silence me by telling me to get over it or forgive my stepmom for making it up. So I did but about a year ago I saw my dad at a family get together where I brought up that time in my childhood where I was taken away. This time I noticed that he silenced me immediately by telling me to forgive her(stepmom) and basically get over it.
This time I was enraged with anger and for months after this experience I kept thinking on my past. I started to dig and confront my dad about some things. That’s when his mask slipped one day while I was talking to him. I got off the phone and sat in my chair. In that moment I had a flashback of my dad in my room touching me when I got back from foster care. I was shocked because I remembered that always but didn’t know it was abuse.
So my curiosity got the best of me after this and I started to do EMDR SESSIONS online. Nothing happened til the 3rd session a few days later I was bombarded with smells, flashbacks, body memories, and violent spells of screaming. I started to feel suicidal and was even speaking in a child’s voice from time to time. I went to a real therapist and told her everything that had been happening. She told me incest was happening before I even got to the flashbacks. After that I dropped out from therapy because I was ashamed and shocked. I also confronted my father and cut off all communication.
What I learned in therapy is that she told me to draw out my flashbacks and put them together and it would help me understand what happened to me.
Form the ages of 3(possibly younger) my father was sexually abusing me. When I got old enough to talk he would drug me with NyQuil before my naps and bedtime. He continued to give me NyQuil before bed til I was 13 when I got taken away. He told me it would help my nightmares. After I returned from foster care he continued to covertly sexually abuse me the rest of my life.
I didn’t know I was abused my whole life. Until now at 30 years old. After confronting my father and my brothers and sisters they took his side and called me every name in the book. So not only am I estranged from my father but all my brothers and sister as well. I just needed to tell my story because I’m feeling extremely heavy. That is all.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Welcome to the forum. That's a tough read what you wrote out. Do you think you'll pursue therapy further? Perhaps with someone who specialises in trauma?

It's pretty concerning that a therapist would tell you what happened in your life, since...they weren't there. Perhaps someone with better qualifications and more experience may be able to help you move forward.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry this happened and you are estranged from your family. It's so hard to be a victim of CSA and find out as an adult. I went through this too. I had a breakdown when all the memories came back. I'm glad you haven't had to go through that. Welcome to the site, I hope you find support and friends.
 

oakleaves

Confident
I'm sorry you have had this experience. That is really difficult. I agree that someone who specialises in trauma may be helpful. It us hard when you just begin to realise or name something as abuse. Take care.
 
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