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Childhood CSA: I Think I Was Molested

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nork5k2

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so, here we go. i remember going over to my older cousin’s (she was probably in her early teens) house when i was about 8 or 9– alone. Whenever i would wanna play video games, she always suggested something sexual and always touched me in bad places. I didnt know how to feel. I always did it because i was afraid she’d be upset if i said no. after that, i didnt feel anything— but now i do. i’m 14 now and i feel like crap. anything that has to with rape and or csa triggers me. like, i genuinely feel a pit in my stomach and feel like crying. this happened today when i was reading “i know why the caged bird sings”.
i feel suicidal and worthless now that i remember it. im scared to go to my mom or any family member about it. i’ve only told one friend i trust. can somebody help or give advice??
 
Do you have any other trusted adults in your life that you can talk to?

I think it’s great that you were strong enough to reach out for help online. You can get much support here.

Welcome!
 
Do you have any other trusted adults in your life that you can talk to?

I think it’s great that you were strong enough to reach out for help online. You can get much support here.

Welcome!
no, i don’t.. i’m too scared to tell anyone else because of how they’ll react. and thank you! it took my a while to make an account here, but it’s great to know that im getting support,,
 
Hi, welcome :)

First off, so glad you are reaching out, even more everything is so hard.

I'm so sorry you were hurt like that, what she did was definitely wrong and is not your fault nor something you did wrong or shameful. The only one shame belongs to is her, not you.

Are you safe from your cousin now?

I get going to your mom is scary a lot, but I think if she treats you okay otherwise she will support you. :hug:

Can you tell anyone adult how bad you feel & that suicidal?
You don't have to tell them right off the bat why, even if they ask, but it's super important that people can help you and know what's up and can keep you safe. :)

Is there anything that comforts you a lot when feelings get bad? That makes you think of other things, or feel happier, or feel good about yourself?

No worries if I just asked too many things and no need to reply - to it all or at all - but please please, *do* tell someone (adult who will care & help) how bad things are getting.

Sending strength.
 
Welcome, @nork5k2 :)
You've done such a brave thing coming here and telling us what happened.

If it is too hard to speak out loud to a trusted adult (teacher? school counselor? friend's mum? family member?), I wonder if you would be easier to instead let them know what's going on for you, by showing them your first post you wrote here?

I did that the first time that I told someone I'd been raped. And it helped a lot.

It's just really important that someone knows how much of an impact this is having on you right now.
Because you are so valued and so important, and being hurt in the way you were does not take any of your value or worth away.

You are a survivor, but even survivors need help from others from time to time :)
 
Hi, welcome :)

First off, so glad you are reaching out, even more everything is so hard.

I'm so sorry you were hurt like that, what she did was definitely wrong and is not your fault nor something you did wrong or shameful. The only one shame belongs to is her, not you.

Are you safe from your cousin now?

I get going to your mom is scary a lot, but I think if she treats you okay otherwise she will support you. :hug:

Can you tell anyone adult how bad you feel & that suicidal?
You don't have to tell them right off the bat why, even if they ask, but it's super important that people can help you and know what's up and can keep you safe. :)

Is there anything that comforts you a lot when feelings get bad? That makes you think of other things, or feel happier, or feel good about yourself?

No worries if I just asked too many things and no need to reply - to it all or at all - but please please, *do* tell someone (adult who will care & help) how bad things are getting.

Sending strength.
I dont know if im safe. I haven’t seen my cousin since then, but her grandma lives next to my grandma. I could ask where she is and talk to her about it, but it’s unlikely i’d do it. Besides, my family isnt the touchy feely time, so i don’t know if i should tell them im depressed. The things that comfort me is writing songs, poetry and drawing characters i made. i dont think i have the heart to make my mom feel like a bad parent for not protecting me just by telling. she may be strict, but i love her. i just dont know what to do..
 
Welcome, @nork5k2 :)
You've done such a brave thing coming here and telling us what happened.

If it is too hard to speak out loud to a trusted adult (teacher? school counselor? friend's mum? family member?), I wonder if you would be easier to instead let them know what's going on for you, by showing them your first post you wrote here?

I did that the first time that I told someone I'd been raped. And it helped a lot.

It's just really important that someone knows how much of an impact this is having on you right now.
Because you are so valued and so important, and being hurt in the way you were does not take any of your value or worth away.

You are a survivor, but even survivors need help from others from time to time :)
i don’t have the courage yet to show, but thank you. i told my boyfriend and he was really sad for me and angry at my abuser. maybe that’s a start.
 
You're not making your Mom look like a bad parent... by telling her something is worrying you, you are giving her a chance to be a good parent :sneaky:

Your boyfriend is right, in that the only person to be angry at is your cousin and not you.

I'm wondering if his parents could help you talk to yours, if you have doubts about how they'd take it from you? Maybe other adults can help.

Depression isn't being too feely, it's an illness brains have, or in reaction to something bad happening in life, just like any other being sick. ;) It got a bad rep yeah, but is really just an illness like any other.

You're an artist? :) Awesome. :)
That also reminded me... how are you with your art teacher if you got any? Some times when I was either very young or not that young but very down, all I could talk by was art, and showing people that helped.

We didn't talk about why I'm down - thank goodness, as I wouldn't have talked - but about the creation, and feelings about art, and I felt better, if only a little bit. It was good to know someone cares, and values stuff I make, and wants to see me doing better and more art.
 
I don't have much to add to what @Ronin said. They've given some really good advice. Does any of of your art express how you are feeling and what you went through? You could try sharing your art before trying to talk about it. That can also give you a sense of how your mom or other trusted adult might react. You don't have to do it all at once.

Would you be willing to get counseling if you had the opportunity? (Assuming you aren't in it)
 
I don't have much to add to what @Ronin said. They've given some really good advice. Does any of of your art express how you are feeling and what you went through? You could try sharing your art before trying to talk about it. That can also give you a sense of how your mom or other trusted adult might react. You don't have to do it all at once.

Would you be willing to get counseling if you had the opportunity? (Assuming you aren't in it)
I haven’t drawn any art that has to do with my trauma, but i should to ease into it. thank you for the advice :,)
 
You're not making your Mom look like a bad parent... by telling her something is worrying you, you are giving her a chance to be a good parent :sneaky:

Your boyfriend is right, in that the only person to be angry at is your cousin and not you.

I'm wondering if his parents could help you talk to yours, if you have doubts about how they'd take it from you? Maybe other adults can help.

Depression isn't being too feely, it's an illness brains have, or in reaction to something bad happening in life, just like any other being sick. ;) It got a bad rep yeah, but is really just an illness like any other.

You're an artist? :) Awesome. :)
That also reminded me... how are you with your art teacher if you got any? Some times when I was either very young or not that young but very down, all I could talk by was art, and showing people that helped.

We didn't talk about why I'm down - thank goodness, as I wouldn't have talked - but about the creation, and feelings about art, and I felt better, if only a little bit. It was good to know someone cares, and values stuff I make, and wants to see me doing better and more art.
My art teacher likes my art and says that i’ve improved. but im not good at expressing my feelings in words.. maybe i can draw art about what i went through?
 
I'm guessing your not in Australia, but this is a link to an organisation that provides information on mental health issues for young people. You may find some helpful ideas:
Headspace
I've linked the page on depression and ideas to combat it, but there's seperate pages about consent and also trauma.
 
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