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Cut my sister (childhood abuser) off…feeling shaky

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mazstar

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Hi All
Hope everyone’s doing OK. I’m new here.
I’m a 42 year old woman who has cPTSD relating to childhood trauma.

My abusers were my mother and my older sister. They both made the first 19 years of my life a living hell, until I was able to escape. The abuse was as bad as it gets. My mother and sister had sadistic urges and chose me to take it out on. They would abuse me separately or together, as a pair. They took huge pleasure out of physically and mentally torturing me and would pat each other on the back afterwards. My sister would be shaking with pleasure, wide eyed and with a huge smile when my mother was torturing me. I’m not overly religious, but I do believe my sister has the devil in her 100%.

I was brought up deep in the countryside, effectively cut off from anyone or anything and my mother and sister destroyed any relationships I had outside the family home so they could have me all to themselves. They ruined my one and only chance to get out and go into foster care, by telling the police and social workers I’d lied about the abuse and so I was taken back home. Most days of my life as a child was spent in fight/flight.

Thankfully, my mother died a few years ago. But my older sister is still alive. Current day, she is still as deeply unpleasant and vicious as she was as a child. Like my mother, she’s an alcoholic. She doesn’t have friends. Her relationships with men last a matter of a few weeks before they run a mile, because she is so vile to them. She has also had her children taken away from her by the courts for abusing her children and drinking around them (the dad has full custody and she can’t even have visitation at this time) and she has been disowned by the wider family for being vile/abusive to them. She was an evil child and this hasn’t worn off.

I regularly relapse with my cPTSD. When this happens, I can usually manage or else our health system (NHS) step in and give me top up treatments. They’ve been very good to me. I am currently going through a relapse atm and I know many of you will be familiar with how draining and exhausting this is.

As adults, me and my sister have never spoken about the abuse, what I went through and what she did to me. It was brushed under the carpet. However, now - I have decided that I just cannot sustain a relationship with my sister any longer. I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t have my abuser in my life. Having my sister in my life is a huge trigger and, when I think of the things she did to me, this will cause me so much stress and anxiety that I oftentimes relapse with cPTSD.

Last night, I removed myself from our family group chats. My darling little brother, who I adore with everything I have, got in touch in a panic to ask why I’d done that. I told him the truth, that I cannot continue to have a relationship with our sister when she was so complicit in the absolute agony I went through as a child. My brother was immediately supportive. Gosh…I cry when I think of my little brother. I just love him so much. He was such a beautiful, loving and caring child (the cutest thing you could imagine). As an adult, he is as lovely ♥️

I’m feeling very shaky at the moment. I am confident in my decision but I’ve changed our family dynamic forever. My sister’s was the main meeting point for the family and so that’s obviously been disrupted now.

Despite the way in which my sister has lived her life and even if my father (absent as a child) becomes aware of the extent of the abuse and torture my sister put me through so she could satisfy her sadistic urges, she is still my dad’s golden child and she can do nothing wrong in his eyes. My father is expected to very much ‘side’ with my sister and I am therefore also considering cutting him off as a result.

I just can’t continue with my life if my sister is in it after what she did to me. If anyone has any words of comfort, I would greatly appreciate them.

Thank you x
 
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You've done a really brave thing. You have stepped out of your family narrative. you have done something that is right for you and your health.
So: go you!

Prob (unfortunately!) to be expected to feel a little shakey after making and doing something like that. I hope that at the same time you feel proud of yourself or start to?

And I'm really glad your younger brother understands and supports you.
 
you’ve done the right thing, as terrifying as it feels. Different situation, but when I cut off from my father (though he doesn’t deserve that title) I was shaky, terrified of judgement, amongst other things for keeping his grandson from him. I went through a process including grieving what I’d idealised as possible and dreaming he’d change. Now it’s nearly a decade without contact with him and I’m glad I made the decision and stuck to it, it wasn’t easy, but with support and therapy I got through it. Not everyone understands or likes it, but I’m better off and my son is a better person for not knowing his grandfather.
Well done and hang in there, and be gentle with yourself, and it’s ok to grieve the could haves if that comes up 🌺
 
Mod Note:
@mazstar - I’ve removed the trigger warning from your post. We don’t use them here, every single thread has potential triggers. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution .

Welcome to the forum. As painful as it is, it sounds like you’ve made the right decision with your sister.
 
You are a warrior! You have definitely changed your family dynamic forever. And nothing can take you back there. Very inspiring. Take your time in finding your footing. You did the hardest part. Your brother will understand in time that you are helping him, he just doesn’t know it yet.
 
Hi All
Hope everyone’s doing OK. I’m new here.
I’m a 42 year old woman who has cPTSD relating to childhood trauma.

My abusers were my mother and my older sister. They both made the first 19 years of my life a living hell, until I was able to escape. The abuse was as bad as it gets. My mother and sister had sadistic urges and chose me to take it out on. They would abuse me separately or together, as a pair. They took huge pleasure out of physically and mentally torturing me and would pat each other on the back afterwards. My sister would be shaking with pleasure, wide eyed and with a huge smile when my mother was torturing me. I’m not overly religious, but I do believe my sister has the devil in her 100%.

I was brought up deep in the countryside, effectively cut off from anyone or anything and my mother and sister destroyed any relationships I had outside the family home so they could have me all to themselves. They ruined my one and only chance to get out and go into foster care, by telling the police and social workers I’d lied about the abuse and so I was taken back home. Most days of my life as a child was spent in fight/flight.

Thankfully, my mother died a few years ago. But my older sister is still alive. Current day, she is still as deeply unpleasant and vicious as she was as a child. Like my mother, she’s an alcoholic. She doesn’t have friends. Her relationships with men last a matter of a few weeks before they run a mile, because she is so vile to them. She has also had her children taken away from her by the courts for abusing her children and drinking around them (the dad has full custody and she can’t even have visitation at this time) and she has been disowned by the wider family for being vile/abusive to them. She was an evil child and this hasn’t worn off.

I regularly relapse with my cPTSD. When this happens, I can usually manage or else our health system (NHS) step in and give me top up treatments. They’ve been very good to me. I am currently going through a relapse atm and I know many of you will be familiar with how draining and exhausting this is.

As adults, me and my sister have never spoken about the abuse, what I went through and what she did to me. It was brushed under the carpet. However, now - I have decided that I just cannot sustain a relationship with my sister any longer. I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t have my abuser in my life. Having my sister in my life is a huge trigger and, when I think of the things she did to me, this will cause me so much stress and anxiety that I oftentimes relapse with cPTSD.

Last night, I removed myself from our family group chats. My darling little brother, who I adore with everything I have, got in touch in a panic to ask why I’d done that. I told him the truth, that I cannot continue to have a relationship with our sister when she was so complicit in the absolute agony I went through as a child. My brother was immediately supportive. Gosh…I cry when I think of my little brother. I just love him so much. He was such a beautiful, loving and caring child (the cutest thing you could imagine). As an adult, he is as lovely ♥️

I’m feeling very shaky at the moment. I am confident in my decision but I’ve changed our family dynamic forever. My sister’s was the main meeting point for the family and so that’s obviously been disrupted now.

Despite the way in which my sister has lived her life and even if my father (absent as a child) becomes aware of the extent of the abuse and torture my sister put me through so she could satisfy her sadistic urges, she is still my dad’s golden child and she can do nothing wrong in his eyes. My father is expected to very much ‘side’ with my sister and I am therefore also considering cutting him off as a result.

I just can’t continue with my life if my sister is in it after what she did to me. If anyone has any words of comfort, I would greatly appreciate them.

Thank you x
Welcome to this forum.

I could say something as simple as "I'm sorry you went through all of that", but in truth, I couldn't even begin to know what "all that" entailed. I will say that your little brother is a diamond for you. Foster that relationship as best as you can.

I am sure that EMDR has been suggested to you. I would imagine at some point you may have already begun that particular type of therapy. If you have not, I would wholeheartedly recommend that you do.

Making the choice to intentionally remove toxicity from your life is such a brave thing to do. I admire you for this.

Be strong.

Caligal22
 
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