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Cutting Off Family

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Just wondering how many of you have cut off your parents because they are so toxic, that the effects lasts for weeks. I have to do something because I am fine as long as contact is limited. After seeing my parents a few times last month, the effects still lingers to the point that my flashbacks have gotten worse.

I'm getting that way with my dad. My last visit has been a long struggle that has a lasting effect. So much so that I want help for the first time in my life.
It was the best thing i ever did, honey. My family is full of compulsive liars, alcoholics, drug users and abusers of all shades. I asked myself,
would you have anything to do with these people if they were your neighbors?
Oh, hell no. No!

Well then, you should not allow these leaches and poisoning people in your life. End of story.

I began healing faster when I cut them out of my life. No more manipulation, no more lies and no more tears.

I stopped speaking to my mother at 16 years old. We have no contact, and I don't regret it.

Funny, just yesterday I also cut off a "friend" of mine, with whom one of my traumas happened. I had been putting it off for over a year and finally did it. It feels liberating.
I cut off from my parents about 4 years ago. It basically became a choice between having a family and having mental health. I chose mental health. Once I cut off from them, then the flashbacks started. It wasn't easy to cut off, and I still sometimes grieve that I don't have parents, but I think I'm grieving that I don't have normal parents like other people do.
I stopped speaking to my sister when I was fourteen because all we did was fight. It wasn't easy, or nice (since we still lived together) but at least our fights stopped.
When my mother died (I was 22, long long ago!) my father changed the locks on the house and told me not to come back. I knew he was mad at me at the time but I thought-----Fine. Why would I want to have you in my life anyway? I didn't contact him again, and I, too, felt kind of liberated.
I made a new family with a tight group of friends from high school and from two of my jobs. It's different and I still ache for "belonging" in a family, but I ached for it even when I was IN a family! Even some my friends who have families don't feel they belong and feel more of a kinship with their close friends than their blood relatives. I think "family" is what you make it.

I live over a thousand miles away from my family. I quit really talking to my older brother who helped one of my abusers continue to abuse me several years ago. My contact with my folks is limited and generally on my terms. I too miss that sense of "family". I do have three children who I have tried that sense of belonging for.


but I think I'm grieving that I don't have normal parents like other people do.

Seychelle, so perfectly stated. It's such an important distinction. I know that I grieve in some way and it's not because of the loss, but because I didn't have a "normal" parent growing up. In fact, I grieve the loss of my childhood, because it was taken away from me at an early age.
It's been over 2 years since I have quit interacting with my mom. I've previously carried a lot of guilt related to not having a relationship with her, but I am letting that go as I realize how much better I am as a mom, not being so tormented by her.... It was a good decision for me. And, as others have said, I grieve the loss of the relationship I wish I had had with her as well.....

I am just hoping that I can maybe heal some by offering my daughter the kind of relationship I wish I had had.....I really hope I am able to be that kind of mom for her.....
...feel more of a kinship with their close friends than their blood relatives. I think "family" is what you make it.

Soooo true. Most of my "family" isn't related to me at all. But they're the ones who are there for me, accept me as I am, and love and support me regardless. That's something I never got from my real parents.

As far as my real parents go, there have been a couple times in my life where I've cut off communication because I had to set boundaries. I wasn't about to sit there and let them be bad to me anymore. It helped a LOT. Our communication now is generally on MY terms, and I refuse to feel obligated to communicate with them...it might be different had THEY been different, but it is what it is. It works pretty well; they realize they have to *behave* to be included in my world, and that there are consequences for not. If things hadn't improved...they'd have been out. Cutting ties with toxic people is a healthy choice.

I still hate to go "back home" to MN where I grew up, though. It's been 3 years since my last visit, and I have no plans to go back (only for major funerals). There's just such a strong sense of negativity, which is markedly absent when I see them here in CO (real parents have a 2nd home a few hours away). I can handle seeing them then, and even maybe enjoy it.
I stopped speaking with my mom a few months before my son was born 3 years ago. She was the type of person who would say one thing to your face and then say something different to others to make you look bad. She would sometimes loan me money when times were rough for me and say it was because she loved me and she wanted to help. Then I would hear from my brother that she had told him that I was begging for money again and how she felt pressured to give me the money. I would always bite my tongue and just deal with it because she was my mom. Then, I finally said enough is enough. I finally spoke my mind and told her how I felt about how she was. She didn't like it and we didn't speak for about a year and a half. My son was right around 18 months when I felt bad enough to give in and let her meet her grandson. She still hadn't changed and I once again bit my tongue. Then when my wife and I would leave from a visit, we'd talk about how much my mother just rubbed us the wrong way. Two months later, I found her dead in her home. It was a shock. It hurt to have my mother pass away, but that doesn't mean that the way she treated people when she was alive was okay and all should be forgotten because she died. I had guilt for a while after she died. I would feel bad, thinking I kept her away from her grandson and I left her feeling alone and abandoned until she died alone. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can look back and say, you know what, it was her fault and she wasn't able to apologize for her actions and admit her faults. I loved her, but hated how she was. So, if your relationship with parents is a toxic one, it is probably better to distance yourself to keep your sanity. If things can be worked out, that's great, but if not, don't allow yourself to be filled with guilt over it. I've been there and it's tough. Good luck.

Not only did I cut off contact with my family, but I moved to the other side of the world thousands of miles away.

cutting off with my dad was easy, because I didnt see him frm about the age of 8 until I was 19, and then when I did see him .. it was weird.. there was no relationship.

The hardest was my mother, she is toxic.

Even now, sometimes I long to be held by a mother and have a mother,,, but she was never that mother.. she just wasnt.... and yes I also greive not having that.

I am lucky that I have a mother figure in my life, who is always there for me, and some great friends, a great therapist and Dr. I am so greatful for my safety here, and support.

It was the best and most healthiest decision I ever made for mysef.

When I miss my mum, I have to tell myself why I have nothing to do with her.

its worth it for me.

all the best
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