• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Dad (abuser) sent me a birthday card signed with his actual name

Status
Not open for further replies.

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
The envelope had no return address (it hasn't for a long time) and he signed it with "I love you! -Daddy/Name"

What does that mean? I tried asking my sister (who has a different dad) and my mom, but they both scoffed and seemed to just find it pathetic and funny. Which it is, but I was hoping for guidance on how I should be feeling about that.

I keep remembering that time when I was around 18 and visiting him on a weekend, having to keep it secret from my abusive girlfriend. Bad situation. He admitted that he "didn't like having kids."

I wonder if he's being passive aggressive about how we've become acquaintances, or trying to acknowledge that he's not a father -- but, knowing how clueless he is, I'm guessing he had no idea that it was weird?

He spelled my twin brother's name wrong on both the envolope and the card. He doesn't say normal things like how he misses my brother, who hasn't talked to him in years.

He has forgotten my name before, and called me the wrong name. My card had the right name, though. Shrug.

What do you think?




For those who need basic context, without reading the whole story: my dad is a literal psychopath. Probably all I need to say.
 
Ugh. This sounds like a difficult situation for you.

I think it's one of those things where he didn't think about it at all, but now you're trying to guess his motives. I do that all the time.

Not to be disrespectful here, but I wonder if it's worth your time, effort, and brain power to even be thinking about it?
 
I doubt it had much meaning, but that's my guess without being involved in the situation. Then again, my dad is a lot like yours, from what I've read and it might be a passive/aggressive thing. Shrug. The last birthday card I got was creepy. It would have been more appropriate for a young kid.

If you are trying to figure out how to feel, try not to spend too much time on his motives. Just let yourself feel what you feel, so you can then let it go and move on.
 
It does seem like something intentional done just to upset you. People like that feed off of that. I would just toss it and go on. He's not worth getting upset over.
Idk if it will make you feel any better but the last birthday I had when I was still talking to my dad he made it a point to let me know he didn't know how old I was and thought I was 25. I was 29. He did this when I was a kid too. He thought I was turning 16 for 4 years straight. It's just something narcissistic people do as a low blow to make sure you know that you're not really important to them and they like the drama. Soon as I decided we were going to play by my rules I don't even have to worry about him contacting me because he has no upset to feed on.
Your dad is human garbage that I would beat the f*cking shit out of. Ignore his stupid useless ass as much as you can and try to have a nice birthday. You should get a giant frosted cookie and watch movies.
 
I am making myself pretty vulnerable here, but I have to say that I have done the same thing with one of my sons. Not to be passive aggressive but to state the obvious about our relationship.

Why write Mom when that is clearly not my role in his mind. I am not going to shove the fact that I am his Mom down his throat when he clearly is not open to acknowledging that relationship.

It could be a bunch of different things. Psychopaths are rarely passive aggressive though. They have no interest in worrying about what others think of them so passive is not something they usually fall into. Also, a psychopath most likely wouldn't put themselves out there to send a card. They wouldn't give a shit about your birthday. So I doubt it is that.

Regarding the names - are there any drug or alcohol issues with him? Oh, and I recall talking to said son (who has kept me away from having a relationship with my grandchildren since birth which is coming up to 4 years now). I couldn't remember my grandson's name at the time. Why? Because I have never seen him, we never talk about him, and I have been forced not to have a relationship with him. Of course I am not going to remember his name. It is a consequence of how the dynamic has played out and I don't bash myself for it at all.

It gets f*cked up when these types of relationships are in question. I mean, honestly, the situation is creepy, so of course the attempts to communicate will be. If it bothers you, tell him not to contact you at all. Draw a line in the sand.
 
Well, here's something that helps!

At the store today I was getting my service dog seatbelted, so my back was turned toward the parking lot, and my mom was watching my back for me. My dad apparently went to the same grocery store today, and he walked right by me. He did a one-finger wave, didn't say a word, and kept going instead of saying hi to me.

My mom told me a couple minutes later that he left -- and I hadn't even seen him. So, I have a feeling that I've been taking him too seriously. He may have been sending the birthday cards because it makes him look good to girlfriends, and to his own dad who does still talk to us (his grandkids).

So, uh... at least I tried? Lol


Not to be disrespectful here, but I wonder if it's worth your time, effort, and brain power to even be thinking about it?
Hm... since I've posted once already that I'm wondering if I should just ditch him... then maybe I should. (You're not disrespectful! I love opinions :P )

Your dad is human garbage that I would beat the f*cking shit out of. Ignore his stupid useless ass as much as you can and try to have a nice birthday. You should get a giant frosted cookie and watch movies.
Dude, I've wanted to say that about your dad, but didn't want to be blunt! So, right back at you, dude! :) I had a great birthday! I didn't even study that day (I totally should have). He is garbage.

Psychopaths are rarely passive aggressive though.
Oh, that's a good point.

They wouldn't give a shit about your birthday. So I doubt it is that.
True -- though, I'm suspicious that he's doing it to look good or to satisfy his parents (his dad and step mom). He has called me before near his girlfriends, including one who I'm pretty certain he murdered (I have not gotten over that, it bothers me so much because that woman had a 13-year-old son who is god knows where), to make himself seem friendly. He acts friendly to kids, too, until he's married their moms. Then he tries to lock them in garages... he has problems.

Regarding the names - are there any drug or alcohol issues with him?
Yes, he is. He's an alcoholic, no doubt. He also takes people's pills and hard drugs. Marijuana too, but that's hardly the concerning thing. (Marijuana is not legal in my state.)

If it bothers you, tell him not to contact you at all. Draw a line in the sand.
Maybe I should. He's clearly uncomfortable, and I've heard this from lots of people and even made a post about it. It's clearly causing me trouble, if I keep posting about it.

Also, thanks for being so vulnerable, @shimmerz :) It was very helpful. You're definitely in a way better place than my father is.
 
As my therapist said about my fil... consider the source.
I think I need to internalize this statement.

OMG, @littleoc, have you talked with the police about your suspicion? I really hope so!...
Oh, don't worry, I have not let it go. If there's anything I've been obsessed with, it's fairness and justice. Because police do seem to care and do seem to want to help. They've helped me with a lot -- except for not putting my pedophile in jail, because he was technically a citizen of a Native American place -- that's not a story for this thread, though. Totally different story.

The problem is, it looks like a suicide or an accidental overdose, apparently. My dad is very childish, third grade level intelligence and spelling, but he's genius-ly crafty at those kinds of crimes. When he tried to get my mom, he caused her to develop breast cancer with a cream for post menopausal women's sex drives and then prevented her from getting treatment. Hard to convince a police officer that this was true, or get any evidence that it was forced as punishment for my mom not wanting... married couple stuff. Same with my dad's girlfriend: she was an alcoholic, and liked doing drugs with my dad. Even in the presence of her child. Who I hope never reads this, never gets PTSD. I hope he's okay. She was found gone and my dad was half across the state, and then posted on Facebook that they were going to get married but were keeping it a secret -- then I called the police and told them that I was very certain that he killed her because she didn't want to marry him. They did find that he never bought a ring, never made a single wedding plan, and on top of that her son apparently had no recollection of his mom being in love enough to marry. But apparent this is just circumstantial evidence, not useful.

I was discouraged by my T to go looking for evidence. My dad once literally got me kidnapped by his pedophike friend so he could get famous/get attention/be on TV.





... actually, having written all that, why do I even care why he called himself by his name to me? The last thing I want to be is his next victim. Even typing that sentence, I get flooded with memories of him stalking me, recording my conversations, threatening me with death and me KNOWING he meant it. When I was cleaning his hoarding mess out of my room, I found the phrase in lipstick on my walls: "Don't be sad I died, have fun!" Because I knew I was going to die before I was 18. No doubts. I told my one friend I got close to, THAT, because I needed her to be prepared mentally.

And it said "have fun" because I was running out of lipstick, and I didn't want my mom to be sad.

I should stop posting how bad I feel for my dad, how confused I am about our relationship. He's not even human. :O_o: How long until I feel okay with having natural affection for my dad while accepting that he's incredibly dangerous, no matter how stupid he is??
 
I should stop posting how bad I feel for my dad, how confused I am about our relationship. He's not even human. :O_o: How long until I feel okay with having natural affection for my dad while accepting that he's incredibly dangerous, no matter how stupid he is??

Post away kiddo! It's how you get it out of your head -- and gaining insight from other people may help you sort it out.

Most abused kids have mixed feelings about their abusers -- both love and hate them -- so you are pretty normal in that. And sorting it out will take as long as it takes.

But! Your safety comes first. So if he is someone that could be a danger to you then figure all this stuff out from a long distance away. You don't need contact with him to make peace with his role in your life. You can do that from anywhere.
 
My reaction to what you have posted is simply this: I would have dropped the envelope, unopened, in the nearest trash bin. He lost all his rights to being a father, in my opinion. If he shows or expresses no remorse and makes no effort in doing the right thing, which would include admitting his atrocities and facing legal ramifications for them, I would think you owe him nothing. Your energy and focus on life for yourself should take center stage. Including either of those on your dad would be counterproductive.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top