DAE experience "annihilation/catastrophe anxiety"?


I experience it like a days-long, literal hours-long panic attack. It is not "just" anxiety, it is paralyzing and I hyperventilate && feel lightheaded and my throat closes up. My heart rate and BP are elevated. I have chest pains. I think I'm having a heart attack && dying and that feeds into the adrenaline response & I get nausea/vomiting & migraines. I get convinced I am going to die but I know it's just psychological so I don't communicate it.

My skin looks gray and I cannot sleep. I am insomniac for days and wired and unable to concentrate or focus on anything as the physiological sensations in my body prevent me from doing anything but feeling them. The only thing that has made this bearable is daily NMDA antagonist medication. My tolerance level is significant so it doesn't make me "high," but it allows me to function past this shit.

My drinking is reduced on it as well as I drank to try and get rid of these panic attack sensations. If I could drink myself into a stupor it might afford me some relief, but it just made me sick && not only that, but I could drink whole bottles of vodka on top of 70mg zopiclone and remain completely sober. I weigh less than 120 lbs. It's like the panic completely eats through the drugs.

It gets so bad that I seriously contemplate suicide just to make these sensations stop. If I hadn't found this treatment (as these incidents/attacks have increased in frequency since regaining some emotional sensations) I probably would have killed myself. I can't take Ativan because it makes me violent & dependence on benzos is not advisable for me due to my history of substance abuse. My meds are not physiologically addictive & while it can be behaviorally addictive, similar to marijuana, I've been on a stable dose for months.

The weird thing is that when my life actually was threatened and I was in imminent danger of dying I never felt like this. It's like all of those sensations got trapped inside and now that I am safe, my body floods me with them over and over again like "hey! You're about to die!" I'm not scared necessarily but it feels very urgent and immediate and serious. Sometimes I think if someone burst into my house and pointed a gun at my head at least I could stop feeling like this and do something.

Actually react, actually use my f*cking head, actually resolve something. Just wondering if anyone else can relate. I've been out of my meds for a while now (delivery is supposed to be next week, for f*ck's sake) and trying to cope has been unbearable.