helbredelse
Learning
In hopefully a short summary, I have PTSD from being in abusive relationships my entire life with the exception of my now-ex fiancé. He wasn't abusive to me and was probably the healthiest relationship I had been in. A couple of months ago, he inadvertently triggered my PTSD in one of the worst ways possible by blind siding me with a breakup and then leaving me to process and deal with it on my own. It triggered my core abandonment issues and a few other core trauma issues that I had been slowly working on with my trauma therapist for years. It opened up my Pandora's Box of trauma history and I can't close it. I am doing what I can to work through it in healthier ways than before with my support system including my trauma therapist, really good friends, a weekly support group, and self care. There were days that the emotional pain was so horrendous that I almost ended my life a couple of times. Instead I inflicted some harm on myself to help me "release" the pain so I could survive the night. I am also working on finding better methods for this.
During all of this, he tried to be supportive once he realized what he had done. Before he left that night, he told me he hoped we could still be friends. Even during the last couple of months when he realized just how bad my triggers were, he still said he wanted to be my friend. There were several times where I lashed out at him with rage. I know now that was likely mostly from the trauma history. It's been really difficult for me at times to contain my rage and even my anger. I'm trying really hard to stop lashing out at him mostly because it's not good for me. I have moments of "clarity" when I feel that maybe he has "suffered" enough from my lashing out. I am struggling with what is normal and what is from my PTSD. It doesn't help that he seems to feel that I keep lashing out at him for him wanting to be happy. I've tried telling him that I lash out because he kept his feelings about being unhappy to himself for months, lied to me about it repeatedly when I had asked him if everything was okay, and then he blind sided me having known about my trauma history. We've known each other for ten years! Of course everyone deserves to be happy but I believe that it's not right to destroy someone you say you care about in order to get what you need or want, intentional or not!
I know he didn't trigger me on purpose. I know he's tried to help in his own way, which doesn't really help me much and we've tried talking about it. It got to the point where he started to give me the silent treatment when I was struggling which didn't help me either. When he admitted he didn't know how to help me when I'm struggling, I gave him some ideas that I find do help me. Like letting me know that I'm not alone, that my feelings are valid, or to even just send me a virtual "hug". That silence just makes me feel worse. When it came down to it, it seemed that he couldn't or wouldn't even try what I suggested. He keeps going silent even when I've said that doesn't help. So I'm learning to distance myself from him. That this is not working. He is either unwilling or unable to help me. Right now I just can't be friends with him. It's not good for my emotional health.
When he left, he said he could help me with things on weekends since he knows I get overwhelmed easily. In reality, it never really happened. He ended up with an apartment on the other side of town. The things that stress me out the most, he can't help with because they are daily stressors with work, kids, my ex husband (NPD\BPD), stuff with the house, etc. When I told him the things that stress me out the most and what I need help with the most, he agreed he isn't able to help with any of them. He said that the best he could do was to hopefully answer any questions I have. And yeah, he left me with a LOT more on my plate in addition to dealing with daily PTSD triggers. He didn't even realize that leaving his things here could trigger me and leaving it all for me to deal with and to sort through just adds to my stress until I told him repeatedly that it was making everything that much harder for me!
At times it feels minimizing that despite what he did to me, it seems like he expects me to still want to be friends with him after all of this. I feel really angry when this comes up. I am really trying hard to stop lashing out at him. I am trying really hard to heal myself from all of this so I can move on. For an analogy, it feels as if he accidentally blasted me with a shotgun on his way out. He may have heard some horrible noises on his way out but didn't look back to see what happened for whatever reason (I have my theories). And that even after he realized what had happened and seemed to feel really bad about it, he still left me to bleed out on my own. He didn't reach out to anyone to check on me to see if I was okay. He didn't even hand me a phone to call anyone. I had to "crawl" to find a phone to call someone to help me before I "bled out". I almost didn't make it. Afterwards, he then tried to give me some "band-aids" from afar but you can't heal shotgun wounds with band-aids. I am very thankful I had the presence of mind to reach out to a friend who helped me through that night or its very likely I wouldn't be here now. It was that bad. Yet he expects me to still want to be his friend after all of that.
I can understand accidentally "shooting" someone and feeling horrible about it. But leaving them to "bleed out" by themselves and not even calling anyone for help? That is the part I am struggling with.
How can he expect me to be friends with him after all of that? I just can't wrap my head around it. Is it possibly just to make himself feel better about how he abandoned me? Could it have been magical or wishful thinking? I just can't fathom doing what he did to someone and expecting to remain friends, even if it was accidental. I'm not sure if anyone can even try to answer this. I am working on accepting that I may never get an answer from him about it.
During all of this, he tried to be supportive once he realized what he had done. Before he left that night, he told me he hoped we could still be friends. Even during the last couple of months when he realized just how bad my triggers were, he still said he wanted to be my friend. There were several times where I lashed out at him with rage. I know now that was likely mostly from the trauma history. It's been really difficult for me at times to contain my rage and even my anger. I'm trying really hard to stop lashing out at him mostly because it's not good for me. I have moments of "clarity" when I feel that maybe he has "suffered" enough from my lashing out. I am struggling with what is normal and what is from my PTSD. It doesn't help that he seems to feel that I keep lashing out at him for him wanting to be happy. I've tried telling him that I lash out because he kept his feelings about being unhappy to himself for months, lied to me about it repeatedly when I had asked him if everything was okay, and then he blind sided me having known about my trauma history. We've known each other for ten years! Of course everyone deserves to be happy but I believe that it's not right to destroy someone you say you care about in order to get what you need or want, intentional or not!
I know he didn't trigger me on purpose. I know he's tried to help in his own way, which doesn't really help me much and we've tried talking about it. It got to the point where he started to give me the silent treatment when I was struggling which didn't help me either. When he admitted he didn't know how to help me when I'm struggling, I gave him some ideas that I find do help me. Like letting me know that I'm not alone, that my feelings are valid, or to even just send me a virtual "hug". That silence just makes me feel worse. When it came down to it, it seemed that he couldn't or wouldn't even try what I suggested. He keeps going silent even when I've said that doesn't help. So I'm learning to distance myself from him. That this is not working. He is either unwilling or unable to help me. Right now I just can't be friends with him. It's not good for my emotional health.
When he left, he said he could help me with things on weekends since he knows I get overwhelmed easily. In reality, it never really happened. He ended up with an apartment on the other side of town. The things that stress me out the most, he can't help with because they are daily stressors with work, kids, my ex husband (NPD\BPD), stuff with the house, etc. When I told him the things that stress me out the most and what I need help with the most, he agreed he isn't able to help with any of them. He said that the best he could do was to hopefully answer any questions I have. And yeah, he left me with a LOT more on my plate in addition to dealing with daily PTSD triggers. He didn't even realize that leaving his things here could trigger me and leaving it all for me to deal with and to sort through just adds to my stress until I told him repeatedly that it was making everything that much harder for me!
At times it feels minimizing that despite what he did to me, it seems like he expects me to still want to be friends with him after all of this. I feel really angry when this comes up. I am really trying hard to stop lashing out at him. I am trying really hard to heal myself from all of this so I can move on. For an analogy, it feels as if he accidentally blasted me with a shotgun on his way out. He may have heard some horrible noises on his way out but didn't look back to see what happened for whatever reason (I have my theories). And that even after he realized what had happened and seemed to feel really bad about it, he still left me to bleed out on my own. He didn't reach out to anyone to check on me to see if I was okay. He didn't even hand me a phone to call anyone. I had to "crawl" to find a phone to call someone to help me before I "bled out". I almost didn't make it. Afterwards, he then tried to give me some "band-aids" from afar but you can't heal shotgun wounds with band-aids. I am very thankful I had the presence of mind to reach out to a friend who helped me through that night or its very likely I wouldn't be here now. It was that bad. Yet he expects me to still want to be his friend after all of that.
I can understand accidentally "shooting" someone and feeling horrible about it. But leaving them to "bleed out" by themselves and not even calling anyone for help? That is the part I am struggling with.
How can he expect me to be friends with him after all of that? I just can't wrap my head around it. Is it possibly just to make himself feel better about how he abandoned me? Could it have been magical or wishful thinking? I just can't fathom doing what he did to someone and expecting to remain friends, even if it was accidental. I'm not sure if anyone can even try to answer this. I am working on accepting that I may never get an answer from him about it.