Dark day (off meds cause broke)

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
So... I'm in a really bad spot. Honestly 2021 has been worse for me so far than last.

I finally have a great home which I am super greatful about. But as it was an unplanned change of apartment, I am not broke for a bit until next pay. Doing side gigs for food, but itbarely scratches what I need(like, my budget for last week was 5$. And this week seems like it will be the same. So I'm going on bread and plain rice and occasional addition like an egg here and there. Which isn't the greatest but it was good knowing it won't be for long. Also the cleaning gig I would do on the side sometimes was on pause cause a close friend was exposed so I had to self-isolate.

However, last weeks I still had my meds keeping me normal and leveled enough to cope.
This week I'm out for few days actually. So today was the first time it started to really affect me bad.
I worked on my couch, I was half productive, it's evening and it's the first time I got myself to sit up. Cried few times for no reason. 1 panic attack, for no reason.
I'm pushing through the work, however bad pay, to at least afford the rice and bread and whatnot. But it's so hard feeling positive. It's so hard concentrating on any work for better future(like job applications). Cleaning is super hard, I have to break tasks in mini bits and take breaks. I have to take random breaks all the time to have something to look forward so I can push through half hour or an hour so that I have a reason to keep going. Few times today I felt so low that I was wondering what is the point to keep pushing.

I know I get paid in 10 days(if all goes well), and then I can get back to meds and balance and work on everything.
But if you've been really depressed you know how long a week can feel. Or even a day.
I have birthday in 2 days, and I am quitting all drinks that are not water, so I can have at least coffee and tea at home for my friend to come over to see her. Because I can't even get to her before my friday mini-pay, and it's a mini pay so it's only for bus and food barely.
I know we are all having a tough year. I know I'm lucky to have a safe roof over my head, and some pay to look forward to. I think it's the meds balance making me feel all that dark, because I never cry this often, at least not in the last year. I don't know what I need. I am just having a really hard time getting through today, or remembering there is a point to getting through it.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry your having a tough time. How on earth can you survive in £5 a week?? I feel for you. 😣
Well... cause I have no other choice basically. My week ends up something like 2 breads, 1lb of rice, and either some salami/meat(probably not real meat tbh) or few eggs and a lot of tea with sugar(while I still have leftovers in my pantry). Things like that. I try not to think of it more than 3 days ahead, and concentrate on the fact that I was able to pay for moving into a new place which is good and safe. But as far as food goes- don't have much choice before 17th, it is what it is. Thank you for caring to write, it really is a hard day!
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
That sounds so tough, I'm not surprised you're finding it really difficult. I'm so glad things will improve when you get paid but goodness!
Sending flowers and well wishes 💐💐💐
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
That sounds so tough, I'm not surprised you're finding it really difficult. I'm so glad things will improve when you get paid but goodness!
Sending flowers and well wishes 💐💐💐
Thank you! Much appreciated. It's a 'trying to find reasons to wake up tomorrow/reasons to believe I'll get to a better place' kind of day. I know logically it gets better after 17th, but some moments it's harder for it to feel real. But I'll get there little by little. Just today is particularly hard.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Wow! I really feel for you. Here's to a huge portion of strength and endurance for you. Are there any wild foods that you can eat? When I was a kid, we would eat wild berries. We found them in the grass. They grow close to the ground. They are most likely Strawberries because that's what they taste like. Sometimes there were blueberrys too. They grow on bushes. Best of luck to you.
 
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