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Dark, Violent, Thoughts.

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Deleted member 40387

I try to be civil. I don't do bad things to people , steal , or anything like that. The unchecked anger gives me violent ideations. I just want to execute random people SS style. I want chew someone's eyes out of their face and eat them for lunch. I want to cut off heads and boil them in acid. The last time this came over me was at work. I kept visualizing taking a steak knife and murdering every person that works in that restaurant. I know I'm not a bad person, I don't know why I want to inflict pain and damage. In the past I would ground from these thoughts by burning myself with cigarettes. I hope I never loose my control that way.
 
I hope I never loose my control that way.
Brother, I used to visualize people with a red dot on their foreheads at work, ie: the laser range finder dot before the kill shot. It brought a calm over me just to visualize their heads exploding, ya know some people just need killing... I know better than to act on it, but it is ok to have the thought. I no longer am in the work force, partially because of those thoughts!

We are here for you Brother, this is a good place to get those thoughts out. Also, if you have a therapist, be sure to talk with them about those thoughts as well. If you don't have a tharapist, pls ask your primary care doc to recommend someone, it helps...
 
I try to be civil. I don't do bad things to people , steal , or anything like that. The unchecked anger gives me violent ideations.
I understand that. Years ago my anger was out of control, to say the least. I did used to lose my shit at opportune times and actually beat people, break bones, and do nasty shit. I'm the same... I'm actually not a bad person. I wasn't before operations, I wasn't until PTSD came along and turned my emotions on their head, leaving me dumb founded and confused.

It takes a lot time to change, and even now, over a decade on, working on myself a little every day to some degree, I still lose my shit several times a year. Nothing like I used to though, just yelling or such, and I stop. It is rare nowadays for me to do it, but I still feel like just hurting some people badly. Just thoughts though.

Process what is real -- learn feelings. I literally had to look up each emotion and learn their meaning again. PTSD stripped me of even identifying what I felt with an accurate emotion. Knowledge is power with PTSD. The more you learn about yourself, about what you feel and why, then you can honestly start to make subtle changes in your daily life and measure your emotional impact. Like a gauge, basically, telling you over the months whether you're moving positively or not.
 
Might wanna go tell somebody at the VA these things.. Chewing eye balls out of faces, cutting off heads of random people that needs some attention. I mean we've all had intrusive thoughts but you're thinking about being the next rampage shooter basically... And what's with this "SS" style? Do you idolize the Nazi's?
 
I want to punch people all the time, flip the table over and scream. I always generate a plan to take out everyone in a room and what order if the shit hits the fan. Have I thought about killing people to protect others in a situation, guilty as charged. That is what I was trained to do, and I get that part of it. I don't get the part of me that wants to smash and break everyone in sight for no reason. That's how the beast operates, but as long as they are only thoughts it's fine. I agree with Manonfire these thoughts are really dark and need to be discussed with the VA.
 
Do you actually fantasize about doing these things?

There are people I want to punch, but that doesn't mean I want to drill holes in their kidneys and f*ck said holes until they die.

You should get help, stat.
 
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