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Relationship Dating a great girl with PTSD - Need some advice on what I should do

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GTR38

New Here
New here. I’ve been reading through some of the old post on here which have really helped out but I’m still feeling a little confused...

About 5 months ago I met this great girl on a dating app. When we first started talking she seemed very excited and we clicked instantly. Right away, she told me about her having been in an abusive relationship (it’s been 2 years since she left him) and that she has some trust issues. This was a little ironic since my last GF was also an abuse survivor with PTSD and we figured out ways to make it work until she eventually moved away and we ended things on a great note. So, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what to expect. Turns I don’t...

Here we are 5 months into dating and I honestly don’t know where I stand with her or where we are going (if anywhere). I have tried everything I can to help her feel safe with me. She says no one in her entire life has treated her this well but yet she seems to pull away constantly. When we first started talking we made it clear that we were looking for something serious and yet after 5 months of dating she is still reluctant to call me her boyfriend. We only live maybe 30 minutes away from each other but we only go out on dates maybe every other week. She says seeing me once a week is a lot and seeing me multiple times a week is too much... When we do see each other she is very hyperactive. Hardly able to stay still. There is no affection other than a hug at the beginning and end of the date. We’ve held hands maybe once and we’ve cuddled on a couple occasions but only for maybe a minute if that. She is definitely afraid of touch. Kissing doesn’t happen... ever and sex is... not even on my radar at this point.

On our dates she is very talkative and she has opened up a lot about her trauma. However, she HATES any amount of silence. This causes me a lot of anxiety since it seems like if I let more than 10 seconds of silence go by she will text me the next day saying we are done (she’s done that before). Over the summer I spent several hours and countless dollars buying and reading personal development books to help me communicate better and be more open with her so she doesn’t feel like she has to carry the conversation. This has helped but it often seems like I am more dedicated to her than she is to me. Between dates we text every day throughout the day with plenty of heart emojis flying around. It’s very cute but I wish our interactions in real life were just as sweet.

A couple weeks ago, we hit a breaking point. While we were on a date, she started talking about how she hopes she meets the right person some day... and she said that while she’s on a date with me. It hurt bad. I stopped talking to her for a couple days and she noticed immediately. She texted me to ask what’s wrong and I explained everything. She apologized and she reassured me that she does really like me and want to be with me. And yet, she is still very distant. It often feels like I’m knocking on a locked door that will never open for me.

Anyways, I don’t want this post to be too long but the point is that I really do care about this girl. In fact, I find myself slowing loving her but I always have to pull myself back because I don’t feel safe enough to love her yet because it feels to one sided. She’s been through a lot. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse. The last guy was a real POS and she is deathly afraid of falling into the same type of relationship again. I don’t blame her for that and I understand her cautious behavior.

At this point I would just appreciate some advice. Is there anything I can do to help her feel more safe? Why is she so afraid of commitment and calling me her boyfriend after all this time? Why does she not want to see me more often and why is she so quick to walk away for any small thing? She was so excited at the beginning but it seems like the closer we get, the more she pulls away. Lately she’s been accusing me of pulling away...

I am truly willing to do whatever I need to do to help her and be there for her. But I also don’t want to be in a one sided relationship. Yet every time I think I should give up and move on, she reassures me that she has deep feelings for me. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure what I can do better...
 
Sorry for the long post... I guess I just needed to vent. Any help is appreciated. Thank you!
 
I'm not sure I have much advice, I just wanted to respond to say that it sounds like you are a lovely person who is really trying as hard as you can to make things work.

I have many times had difficulty with silence, in therapy rather than in any other relationships but I do relate to finding that ever so difficult. But I also recognise that is my problem, not anyone else's to fix / ensure it doesn't happen.

Hopefully others have more helpful answers for you :)
 
I'm not sure I have much advice, I just wanted to respond to say that it sounds like you are a lovely person who is really trying as hard as you can to make things work.

I have many times had difficulty with silence, in therapy rather than in any other relationships but I do relate to finding that ever so difficult. But I also recognise that is my problem, not anyone else's to fix / ensure it doesn't happen.

Hopefully others have more helpful answers for you :)

Thank you! I am really trying everything I can do to be a supportive partner for her. The last week or so, I’ve really been doing a lot of research into PTSD so I can try to understand things from her view and be there for her in any way I can.

There’s been a lot of key women in my life who are abuse survivors. One of my best friends, my Mom, my grandma and my sister have all been through it. So this is something that I am very passionate about and I really want to do everything I can to help her feel safe enough to love again and be loved. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance and I really hope I can be that for her.
 
This was a little ironic since my last GF was also an abuse survivor with PTSD and we figured out ways to make it work until she eventually moved away and we ended things on a great note. So, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what to expect. Turns I don’t...
This is the difference of personality.

PTSD is pretty simple/straightforward. How people individually handle PTSD & trauma? Gets complicated as all hell. 10 people, each experiencing the same symptom, are going to handle it 10 different ways.

Date enough people who all have the same disorder (I was active duty military, like shooting fish in a barrel) and it takes the disorder off the table entirely. Everyone has nightmares, everyone has trust issues, everyone has anger issues, etc. (At least everyone I dated). That they have them? Isn’t the big deal. HOW they handle them? Is. It’s not about the person handling something hard, when everyone is handling something hard. It’s about how they treat YOU, and if you want to live your life that way.

It worked with you Ex. Because of who she was. Because of how the two of you were, together. That doesn’t mean that everyone with PTSD, or with even the exact same trauma she went through, are going to handle things like she did. Or that the two of you will work, like you did with her.

Take the disorder off the table. It’s about the person. Each individual person.
Yet every time I think I should give up and move on, she reassures me that she has deep feelings for me. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure what I can do better...
Sounds like you’re used to dating honest people who walk the walk, when they talk the talk. That speaks highly of the people you choose to be with. Which is a good sign about you. But? It can also lead to ignoring when people DON’T back up what they say with action, from personal experience. I not only did that, after a history of dating really amazing men, I married that :facepalm:. When you trust what someone says, and ignore what they do? That’s a very bad sign of things to come. What she’s doing is leading you to break it off, and then what she says is why you’re continuing on. I’m not saying “break up with her”, but I am saying Be Careful. With big caps ;) Because it’s a great way to pick up trust issues of your own, when you start believing someone else over your own instincts. (Who are you gonna believe? Me? Or your own eyes? >>> Actually. Something. My. Exhusband. Said. Once. :rolleyes: He didn’t have me THAT tangled up in his BS, thank goodness.) Because I’ve done the thing where he vast majority of people I dated were honest, and walked the talk. He didn’t. But instead of being honest with me, would say whatever he needed to to keep me in the relationship. It worked, for a long time. I believed him over my own instincts. Because I wanted to. Because I cared about him. Until it didn’t. I’m a very loyal person. I believed him, when it would have been better for BOTH of us, if we’d gone our seperate ways. But he was scared of (I want to say losing me, but really, it’s anyone. I was just a warm body. He’d have said anything to anyone he was with to keep them with him. ).

So trust your gut. If a date every other week with almost no physical affection with someone who talks about meeting the right person someday is somehing you’re happy with and want to spend the rest of your life with? Keep on keeping on. If you want something different? It’s fair to bring that to the table, or leave and find someone you can have what you want, with. The same way she’ll be able to find someone who’s over the moon with what she wants.
 
Thanks for your response. When we talked about the things she said, she immediately apologized and said she didn’t remember saying it. We’ve talked about seeing each other more often too. She said she’s very shy when it comes to love which I can definitely understand after what she’s been through. To me it feels like she is telling the truth about wanting to be with me and taking things further but she is very afraid of getting too close for fear of being let down again.

She will sometimes comment that “most guys would have left by now” but I always reassure her that I will stick by her as long as we are making progress.
 
New here. I’ve been reading through some of the old post on here which have really helped out but I’m still feeling a little confused...

About 5 months ago I met this great girl on a dating app. When we first started talking she seemed very excited and we clicked instantly. Right away, she told me about her having been in an abusive relationship (it’s been 2 years since she left him) and that she has some trust issues. This was a little ironic since my last GF was also an abuse survivor with PTSD and we figured out ways to make it work until she eventually moved away and we ended things on a great note. So, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what to expect. Turns I don’t...

Here we are 5 months into dating and I honestly don’t know where I stand with her or where we are going (if anywhere). I have tried everything I can to help her feel safe with me. She says no one in her entire life has treated her this well but yet she seems to pull away constantly. When we first started talking we made it clear that we were looking for something serious and yet after 5 months of dating she is still reluctant to call me her boyfriend. We only live maybe 30 minutes away from each other but we only go out on dates maybe every other week. She says seeing me once a week is a lot and seeing me multiple times a week is too much... When we do see each other she is very hyperactive. Hardly able to stay still. There is no affection other than a hug at the beginning and end of the date. We’ve held hands maybe once and we’ve cuddled on a couple occasions but only for maybe a minute if that. She is definitely afraid of touch. Kissing doesn’t happen... ever and sex is... not even on my radar at this point.

On our dates she is very talkative and she has opened up a lot about her trauma. However, she HATES any amount of silence. This causes me a lot of anxiety since it seems like if I let more than 10 seconds of silence go by she will text me the next day saying we are done (she’s done that before). Over the summer I spent several hours and countless dollars buying and reading personal development books to help me communicate better and be more open with her so she doesn’t feel like she has to carry the conversation. This has helped but it often seems like I am more dedicated to her than she is to me. Between dates we text every day throughout the day with plenty of heart emojis flying around. It’s very cute but I wish our interactions in real life were just as sweet.

A couple weeks ago, we hit a breaking point. While we were on a date, she started talking about how she hopes she meets the right person some day... and she said that while she’s on a date with me. It hurt bad. I stopped talking to her for a couple days and she noticed immediately. She texted me to ask what’s wrong and I explained everything. She apologized and she reassured me that she does really like me and want to be with me. And yet, she is still very distant. It often feels like I’m knocking on a locked door that will never open for me.

Anyways, I don’t want this post to be too long but the point is that I really do care about this girl. In fact, I find myself slowing loving her but I always have to pull myself back because I don’t feel safe enough to love her yet because it feels to one sided. She’s been through a lot. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse. The last guy was a real POS and she is deathly afraid of falling into the same type of relationship again. I don’t blame her for that and I understand her cautious behavior.

At this point I would just appreciate some advice. Is there anything I can do to help her feel more safe? Why is she so afraid of commitment and calling me her boyfriend after all this time? Why does she not want to see me more often and why is she so quick to walk away for any small thing? She was so excited at the beginning but it seems like the closer we get, the more she pulls away. Lately she’s been accusing me of pulling away...

I am truly willing to do whatever I need to do to help her and be there for her. But I also don’t want to be in a one sided relationship. Yet every time I think I should give up and move on, she reassures me that she has deep feelings for me. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure what I can do better...
It is definitely not easy to fall in love with somebody who has PTSD! I have been on and off with a sufferer for almost 2,5 years. The only reason why I am still involved is the fact that we were neighbors/friends for four years before we became involved. He has biiiig intimacy issues and relationship issues just like your girl. I left him in May, but he has not been able to let me go on with my life....and so I have been weak enough to let myself be sucked right into Limbo with him again and again. And Limbo is just what it is, when we are left in the “friend zone” or “friends with benefit zone” because intimacy and relationship is too scary for some sufferers. I wish I had some magic advice for you....but if I did, I would not have stayed in Limbo hell for so long. My guy has also said some pretty hurtful shit like maybe he will get a girlfriend at one point....say what? That stings! So I know exactly how that felt for you.

Here is the thing....when you love somebody and you are not ready to let go for whatever reason, be it love, desire or codependency, then you stay and try to make it work. Only thing is, if the sufferer isn’t really doing their part of the work, either because they are not in therapy or they are constantly running away and coming back, then it is not easy! It will mess with your head! You will miss her, you will crave intimacy....not knowing if it will ever happen. It won’t be easy so stay and it won’t be easy to walk away. I wish you the best ?
 
Is there anything I can do to help her feel more safe? Why is she so afraid of commitment and calling me her boyfriend after all this time? Why does she not want to see me more often and why is she so quick to walk away for any small thing?
Nobody here can answer these questions. Only she can. Ask her.

In general, it's not about what you can do....its about what she does to make herself more comfortable in these situations. Her feeling unsafe isn't because you're unsafe....its because of her perspective of safeness. You can't change her perspective. She has to put in the work to do that.

It sounds like a tough position. You sound like you really like her but from your description it doesn't sound like she feels the same. You mention one-sided more than once. It doesn't sound like you want a digital relationship and that may be all she can offer right now. It doesn't make you or her a bad person if you want more out of a relationship than she can give.

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with only seeing my boyfriend twice a month....especially at the beginning when everything is exciting. That's the time when they're the person you want to see every day. I would also be hurt by her comment. Even if she didn't remember it, she obviously felt that in the moment sitting across from me.

PTSD can absolutely be confusing. And my sufferer boyfriend's feelings on a subject can be polar opposite depending on what day you catch him on. Both opinions/feelings are valid because they are both true for him. You would have to be ok with both because you don't know what you're gonna get day to day, hour to hour.

My personal experience with this is when I asked my boyfriend to be honest and asked him if he loved me and if he was capable of loving (this was 5ish years into our relationship). I had noticed over the years that he never told me he loved me (with words) unless I said it first. I can literally name the 3 times he's said it to me unprompted. But he frequently tells me how much cares for me and how important I am to him. So I wondered to him if he loves me and if he can love with all his emotional numbness. He said he wasn't sure. He assured me if he can love, he loves me, but hes not sure if he can love and if he does it's nothing like hes read in books or seen in movies or heard friends talk about.

That was hard to hear. It made me sad for him. But it also made me have to think about me and if this was something I was ok with. In the end I decided that yes it was fine because I felt loved and cared for and that experience is what's important to me.

I decided to stop telling him I love him so frequently so he didn't have to feel he was lying to me constantly. He never said he felt that way...but I imagined that I would feel deceitful if I were in his shoes.

On a different occasion months later I made a joke to him after he was being absolutely wonderful to me "for a dude that doesn't know if he can love, you sure know how to make a girl feel loved" and he got upset. He said of course he loved me and was offended I would suggest otherwise. He obviously didn't remember our previous conversation.

So what gives? Both are true. He feels both. They are both true for him. And I have to be ok with both.

Me altering my behavior of saying "I love you" was silly. I did that out of many assumptions and never actually asked him about it. Saying I love you to your partner isn't a bad thing. It isn't a behavior I need to alter even if it did bother him. It should be up to him to change his mindset about being able to receive a loving message from me. And if he communicated to me that it was problematic for him and he was working on it....then yeah I'd be supportive and restrict my I love yous....but to try to guess what would make him feel "safe" (to relate it to your situation) is not my job, nor is it yours.

You are partners. You are doing all these things for her comfort. I hope she does a bunch of things for your comfort too.
 
Nobody here can answer these questions. Only she can. Ask her.

In general, it's not about what you can do....its about what she does to make herself more comfortable in these situations. Her feeling unsafe isn't because you're unsafe....its because of her perspective of safeness. You can't change her perspective. She has to put in the work to do that.

It sounds like a tough position. You sound like you really like her but from your description it doesn't sound like she feels the same. You mention one-sided more than once. It doesn't sound like you want a digital relationship and that may be all she can offer right now. It doesn't make you or her a bad person if you want more out of a relationship than she can give.

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with only seeing my boyfriend twice a month....especially at the beginning when everything is exciting. That's the time when they're the person you want to see every day. I would also be hurt by her comment. Even if she didn't remember it, she obviously felt that in the moment sitting across from me.

PTSD can absolutely be confusing. And my sufferer boyfriend's feelings on a subject can be polar opposite depending on what day you catch him on. Both opinions/feelings are valid because they are both true for him. You would have to be ok with both because you don't know what you're gonna get day to day, hour to hour.

My personal experience with this is when I asked my boyfriend to be honest and asked him if he loved me and if he was capable of loving (this was 5ish years into our relationship). I had noticed over the years that he never told me he loved me (with words) unless I said it first. I can literally name the 3 times he's said it to me unprompted. But he frequently tells me how much cares for me and how important I am to him. So I wondered to him if he loves me and if he can love with all his emotional numbness. He said he wasn't sure. He assured me if he can love, he loves me, but hes not sure if he can love and if he does it's nothing like hes read in books or seen in movies or heard friends talk about.

That was hard to hear. It made me sad for him. But it also made me have to think about me and if this was something I was ok with. In the end I decided that yes it was fine because I felt loved and cared for and that experience is what's important to me.

I decided to stop telling him I love him so frequently so he didn't have to feel he was lying to me constantly. He never said he felt that way...but I imagined that I would feel deceitful if I were in his shoes.

On a different occasion months later I made a joke to him after he was being absolutely wonderful to me "for a dude that doesn't know if he can love, you sure know how to make a girl feel loved" and he got upset. He said of course he loved me and was offended I would suggest otherwise. He obviously didn't remember our previous conversation.

So what gives? Both are true. He feels both. They are both true for him. And I have to be ok with both.

Me altering my behavior of saying "I love you" was silly. I did that out of many assumptions and never actually asked him about it. Saying I love you to your partner isn't a bad thing. It isn't a behavior I need to alter even if it did bother him. It should be up to him to change his mindset about being able to receive a loving message from me. And if he communicated to me that it was problematic for him and he was working on it....then yeah I'd be supportive and restrict my I love yous....but to try to guess what would make him feel "safe" (to relate it to your situation) is not my job, nor is it yours.

You are partners. You are doing all these things for her comfort. I hope she does a bunch of things for your comfort too.

Regarding saying I love you; My sufferer says he doesn’t know if he loves me or not...that due to CPTSD he can’t feel the difference between loving me as a friend or a girlfriend. He knows his desire for me is bigger than he has ever experienced. A year ago he texted that he loved me a lot more like a friend...and then he pulled away. I have a very hard time believing that he doesn’t know if he loves me or not...can PTSD really cause that? We have been on and off for 2,5 years. He has put up with me pushing for intimacy and relationship (before I found this site and knew next to little about PTSD).
He has taken all the hard conversations about intimacy and relationship even though it exhausts him and stresses him out. Every time I say, this is over because he can’t do intimacy/relationship, he tries to get me back even though he knows it leads to more draining conversations and me pushing for intimacy. It would be soooo much easier for him to find a sex partner, because he is extremely attractive and charming. So, how can he say he doesn’t know, if he loves me, when he puts up with draining conversations and me pushing for intimacy? I don’t get it! Is it really possible that he doesn’t know, if he loves me or not? I am like you are...it hurts not to know if they love us....it shouldn’t matter, but because now, he has opened up to intimacy in the bedroom (because he knew that this time, he had lost me if he didn’t showed intimacy) but I need to know if he loves me. I have a feeling that he does, but can’t tell me face to face, because he only does that in a relationship and he can’t be in a relationship.
 
@GTR38 PTSD is only an equalizer to some extent...each sufferer or survivor is very much an individual with their own personality, quirks, etc. IMO, you have done what you can to make the relationship work, and it continues to be one-sided. She seems either unwilling or unable to move forward (or both) and that’s on her. And honestly, it sounds like she’s using you as a security blanket more than anything else. If my best buddy came to me with this scenario, I would tell him to move on. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s my read on this from the perspective of a PTSD survivor.
 
What a wonderful guy you are! So sweet to be so sensitive to the situation. Has she had therapy to work through the trauma of the abuse? I don't know if she is capable of deeper intimacy until she works through what happened to her. And to understand that it's not really okay to "play ping pong" with your feelings (threatening to break up over silence). It sounds as if she needs distraction to keep from dealing with the trauma. I get it, I couldn't do silence for a while, but I use ambient noise to distract me. Maybe that would work when you are together, some soft music in the background, possibly just instrumental. Prayers for wisdom and peace for you both in determining if this relationship is a good match.
 
Advice: watch your back.
Unless a woman suffering from interpersonal trauma has really good coping skills and emotional rationality concerning her illness, she will backslide; usually finding a way to demonize the person/people who were trying to help her, and crawling back to her abuser(s).
EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
 
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