New here. I’ve been reading through some of the old post on here which have really helped out but I’m still feeling a little confused...
About 5 months ago I met this great girl on a dating app. When we first started talking she seemed very excited and we clicked instantly. Right away, she told me about her having been in an abusive relationship (it’s been 2 years since she left him) and that she has some trust issues. This was a little ironic since my last GF was also an abuse survivor with PTSD and we figured out ways to make it work until she eventually moved away and we ended things on a great note. So, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what to expect. Turns I don’t...
Here we are 5 months into dating and I honestly don’t know where I stand with her or where we are going (if anywhere). I have tried everything I can to help her feel safe with me. She says no one in her entire life has treated her this well but yet she seems to pull away constantly. When we first started talking we made it clear that we were looking for something serious and yet after 5 months of dating she is still reluctant to call me her boyfriend. We only live maybe 30 minutes away from each other but we only go out on dates maybe every other week. She says seeing me once a week is a lot and seeing me multiple times a week is too much... When we do see each other she is very hyperactive. Hardly able to stay still. There is no affection other than a hug at the beginning and end of the date. We’ve held hands maybe once and we’ve cuddled on a couple occasions but only for maybe a minute if that. She is definitely afraid of touch. Kissing doesn’t happen... ever and sex is... not even on my radar at this point.
On our dates she is very talkative and she has opened up a lot about her trauma. However, she HATES any amount of silence. This causes me a lot of anxiety since it seems like if I let more than 10 seconds of silence go by she will text me the next day saying we are done (she’s done that before). Over the summer I spent several hours and countless dollars buying and reading personal development books to help me communicate better and be more open with her so she doesn’t feel like she has to carry the conversation. This has helped but it often seems like I am more dedicated to her than she is to me. Between dates we text every day throughout the day with plenty of heart emojis flying around. It’s very cute but I wish our interactions in real life were just as sweet.
A couple weeks ago, we hit a breaking point. While we were on a date, she started talking about how she hopes she meets the right person some day... and she said that while she’s on a date with me. It hurt bad. I stopped talking to her for a couple days and she noticed immediately. She texted me to ask what’s wrong and I explained everything. She apologized and she reassured me that she does really like me and want to be with me. And yet, she is still very distant. It often feels like I’m knocking on a locked door that will never open for me.
Anyways, I don’t want this post to be too long but the point is that I really do care about this girl. In fact, I find myself slowing loving her but I always have to pull myself back because I don’t feel safe enough to love her yet because it feels to one sided. She’s been through a lot. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse. The last guy was a real POS and she is deathly afraid of falling into the same type of relationship again. I don’t blame her for that and I understand her cautious behavior.
At this point I would just appreciate some advice. Is there anything I can do to help her feel more safe? Why is she so afraid of commitment and calling me her boyfriend after all this time? Why does she not want to see me more often and why is she so quick to walk away for any small thing? She was so excited at the beginning but it seems like the closer we get, the more she pulls away. Lately she’s been accusing me of pulling away...
I am truly willing to do whatever I need to do to help her and be there for her. But I also don’t want to be in a one sided relationship. Yet every time I think I should give up and move on, she reassures me that she has deep feelings for me. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure what I can do better...
About 5 months ago I met this great girl on a dating app. When we first started talking she seemed very excited and we clicked instantly. Right away, she told me about her having been in an abusive relationship (it’s been 2 years since she left him) and that she has some trust issues. This was a little ironic since my last GF was also an abuse survivor with PTSD and we figured out ways to make it work until she eventually moved away and we ended things on a great note. So, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what to expect. Turns I don’t...
Here we are 5 months into dating and I honestly don’t know where I stand with her or where we are going (if anywhere). I have tried everything I can to help her feel safe with me. She says no one in her entire life has treated her this well but yet she seems to pull away constantly. When we first started talking we made it clear that we were looking for something serious and yet after 5 months of dating she is still reluctant to call me her boyfriend. We only live maybe 30 minutes away from each other but we only go out on dates maybe every other week. She says seeing me once a week is a lot and seeing me multiple times a week is too much... When we do see each other she is very hyperactive. Hardly able to stay still. There is no affection other than a hug at the beginning and end of the date. We’ve held hands maybe once and we’ve cuddled on a couple occasions but only for maybe a minute if that. She is definitely afraid of touch. Kissing doesn’t happen... ever and sex is... not even on my radar at this point.
On our dates she is very talkative and she has opened up a lot about her trauma. However, she HATES any amount of silence. This causes me a lot of anxiety since it seems like if I let more than 10 seconds of silence go by she will text me the next day saying we are done (she’s done that before). Over the summer I spent several hours and countless dollars buying and reading personal development books to help me communicate better and be more open with her so she doesn’t feel like she has to carry the conversation. This has helped but it often seems like I am more dedicated to her than she is to me. Between dates we text every day throughout the day with plenty of heart emojis flying around. It’s very cute but I wish our interactions in real life were just as sweet.
A couple weeks ago, we hit a breaking point. While we were on a date, she started talking about how she hopes she meets the right person some day... and she said that while she’s on a date with me. It hurt bad. I stopped talking to her for a couple days and she noticed immediately. She texted me to ask what’s wrong and I explained everything. She apologized and she reassured me that she does really like me and want to be with me. And yet, she is still very distant. It often feels like I’m knocking on a locked door that will never open for me.
Anyways, I don’t want this post to be too long but the point is that I really do care about this girl. In fact, I find myself slowing loving her but I always have to pull myself back because I don’t feel safe enough to love her yet because it feels to one sided. She’s been through a lot. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse. The last guy was a real POS and she is deathly afraid of falling into the same type of relationship again. I don’t blame her for that and I understand her cautious behavior.
At this point I would just appreciate some advice. Is there anything I can do to help her feel more safe? Why is she so afraid of commitment and calling me her boyfriend after all this time? Why does she not want to see me more often and why is she so quick to walk away for any small thing? She was so excited at the beginning but it seems like the closer we get, the more she pulls away. Lately she’s been accusing me of pulling away...
I am truly willing to do whatever I need to do to help her and be there for her. But I also don’t want to be in a one sided relationship. Yet every time I think I should give up and move on, she reassures me that she has deep feelings for me. It’s very confusing and I’m not sure what I can do better...