Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

[Friday]

Like don’t the sufferers get sick of it too?

Speaking as a sufferer... Nope! I love & adore it.

Speaking as a supporter... Nope! It’s one of the things I love best about being in a relationship with someone who thrives off of the same rhythms I do. Simpatico.

That hardly means that everyone I’ve ever dated has had those same need/wants, nor that a compromise is possible. PTSD isn’t a personality disorder / wildly different personalities abound; nor does everyone experience the same symptoms, expressions, or coping mechanisms. And even for those who do? Their way of handling them is going to be a complicated blend of personality & experience & character. What it does mean is that I break up with people who don’t want the same things as I do in life, very early on. And one thing I never do is break up and get back together. Whether I’ve ended it, or they have? Done. Finis. The End. At least as far as being partners in crime / romance is concerned. Far more often than not, I’m still friends with my exes, afterwards. Actual, stand up at their weddings, & babysit their kids, level of friends.

Are compromises possible sometimes? For sure. But it requires a great deal of honesty. Because in a compromise, everyone wins. Both people get what they need, baseline, and ideally both people also get what they want. But in a sacrifice, one person (or both people) loses... and that’s just not supportable long term. The longest I’ve ever known anyone -that doesn’t have a martyr complex- to cope with a sacrifice is about 2 years. And that’s just crazy-making pain-and-misery that could have been easily avoided. If it’s not an emergency? I refuse to act like it is // ie I don’t make sacrifices unless there are lives on the line... and even then, I’m going to be on the lookout for better solutions non-stop unti I find one, or the emergency is over. Either way, though, that’s a temporary gig. Not the foundation I’m building my life on.

Do you ever get sick of your favorite relationship structures?

 

[IdkWhatToThink]

It really isn’t normal times. I think everyone is suffering now, like sadly it was every man for themselves at one point. This is the loneliest Me and my child have ever been. I just can’t imagine what ppl who were already at their peak of suffering or on the verge of rehabilitating then a pandemic happens. I guess we all just gotta do the best we can to be unscathed by the fear and seclusion that has been forced upon us.
same shit happening to me. And I feel I’m pretty confident. But the pushing away while I’m already down is something that can put me right over the edge of crazy town. Like before this pandemic he probably had his reasons related to ptsd and mental illness and I would be like ok it’s ptsd. But now I’ve definitely had way more insecurities. He’s had way more stress. I’ve had way more stress. And when tested I may lose my shit and act a fool. So there’s times when I wouldn’t respond to me either. Lol. It’s stressful times. When someone ignores you for being supportive it’s like getting rewarded with bad behavior. When you are vibing with someone and they all of a sudden step back and ignore all communication with no warning it’s hey, who turned the lights out. And like it’s so easy to send a text like 5 texts later of banter can turn into this girl is nuts leave me alone. If you aren’t in the mood. So what I’ve learned is not communicating is communicating.

Totally agree. This pandemic has definitely pushed me over the edge.

I was able to speak with him today, he’s always receptive to my contact but I wanted to give him some space. He opened up a lot more about what’s going on with him and his treatment plan. I just don’t know how to be there for him when although receptive it’s just not the same and still makes me question is he just “being nice” and not really feeling me all of the sudden (which is ridiculous because I know I’m comparing how he’s acting to how someone without ptsd or depression would act) or is he being as open and receptive as he possibly can right now. I’m just going to continue to let him know I care until he either tells me to go away or doesn’t respond... then I’ll give him space and move on or wait idk.

 

[IdkWhatToThink]

Hi there. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I know firsthand how it feels. Being a supporter to someone with PTSD is very confusing and at times, painful, and it's possible that you'll never know for sure what's going on with him right now. The one thing that everyone said to me (and which was very difficult to actually believe at the time) was this isn't about you. It's not personal. The trouble is that when you're on the receiving end of it, it feels very personal and it hurts. The reality is that is most likely all about PTSD and nothing to do with you or the relationship between you two.

The relationship with my sufferer (although he's no longer mine) came to a very abrupt halt almost five months ago when he walked away. Before that we had almost a year of getting to know each other with a few spells of him isolating. By the time he ghosted me, we were the closest emotionally we had been, and although I truly don't think I was the cause of him leaving, I do believe that our closeness played a huge part in it. It made him feel extremely vulnerable and that was something he just couldn't handle. It was easier to cut me out than let me in. And that hurt like hell, I can tell you. But it still wasn't about me. It was about him, and his PTSD, and his own mental health.

All you can do is take a step back, let him know that you're there for him if he needs you, and try to put yourself first. I know that isn't easy. And I'll be honest, I was rubbish at doing that at the beginning. But you can't change how he feels, or fix him. He is responsible for taking care of himself. That might take a lot of time and space. And you need to take care of yourself. There's nothing wrong with letting him know that you support him though, but you might need to brace yourself for little (and possibly no) response for a while. He clearly has feelings for you, but feelings in the end aren't enough if they aren't backed up with actions and trust. He might trust you, but not himself.

I'd be lying if I said there aren't still days when I miss him terribly. There are. But finally accepting that there's absolutely nothing more I can do to support him has helped me heal. All you can do, all any of us can do, is our best. It sounds like you are.

Good luck with everything. I hope it works out for you both.

I read and reread and read your message again and I want to thank you so much for taking the time to write me. It really comforted me and helped me with my anxiety and I was able to rest my mind for a bit.

 

[Freida]

Like don’t the sufferers get sick of it to

Yep...but in a different way
When im going off the rails all I can think is "crap here we go again"
I have no time for those around me because I'm too busy trying to keep my shit together and that takes everything I have.

Do i miss them? Sometimes. But when I'm in a bad place everyone just seems so freaking needy with their all the "do you still love me, why are you ignoring me, why won't you answer me and blah blah"

what they usually don't get the first few times around is that i am trying to just stay alive and not totally lose my mind. I have NOTHING to give them. I can't reassure them when I'm barely hanging on

That's what supporters mean when they say its not about you. Its about us and our nightmare life. You don't really exist when I'm in that place

I think the biggest thing I've seen around here is that the supporters who make it work don't NEED their person to be constantly around.
Want them? Yes
Need them? No

That's a big difference but i think its why they work. I know that's why hubby and I are still together.

 

[Lotsoflove]

Yep...but in a different way
When im going off the rails all I can think is "crap here we go again"
I have no time for those around me because I'm too busy trying to keep my shit together and that takes everything I have.

Do i miss them? Sometimes. But when I'm in a bad place everyone just seems so freaking needy with their all the "do you still love me, why are you ignoring me, why won't you answer me and blah blah"

what they usually don't get the first few times around is that i am trying to just stay alive and not totally lose my mind. I have NOTHING to give them. I can't reassure them when I'm barely hanging on

That's what supporters mean when they say its not about you. Its about us and our nightmare life. You don't really exist when I'm in that place

I think the biggest thing I've seen around here is that the supporters who make it work don't NEED their person to be constantly around.
Want them? Yes
Need them? No

That's a big difference but i think its why they work. I know that's why hubby and I are still together.

Yes, I can relate.

 

[IdkWhatToThink]

Well that was short-lived I am being ignored again and the same day he started ignoring me he watched all of my stories on Instagram which is very confusing to me and I don’t think that this is what I want in whatever this was.
I feel like he very well could be suffering but I also feel like he is using this as an excuse to be an asshole.

 

[Livinginhope]

Well that was short-lived I am being ignored again and the same day he started ignoring me he watched all of my stories on Instagram which is very confusing to me and I don’t think that this is what I want in whatever this was.
I feel like he very well could be suffering but I also feel like he is using this as an excuse to be an asshole.

Sadly, I think this is likely to be a pattern from him. 'My' guy had very little social media so I never had this problem but from reading other posts here, it's quite common for a sufferer who isolates to watch their supporter on social media but still ignore them. I'm not defending his behaviour, as it's still confusing and hurtful from our side, but I'm just pointing out that it's not that uncommon. The truth is, he could be an asshole. He could just be suffering greatly at the moment. Or he could be both. The thing that pissed me off the most about my situation was that whenever he isolated, I lost my right to have a voice in our relationship. In the end, for me, when he abruptly walked away completely one day, I even lost my right to have any discussion about the end of our relationship. For me, not being heard (or even an opportunity to be heard) was the most hurtful, disrespectful part of it.

Only you can decide what you want to do going forward. If you're anything like me, what you decide will probably keep changing for a while. I hope he doesn't do what my sufferer did and just simply walk away one day without any explanation (other than the fact we were midway through our first misunderstanding). It completely sucks. For them. For us. For everyone. But, like I said before, you can't have a relationship with someone who isn't able to meet you half way. It's taken me a long time to really let that sink in. It hurts, but it's true.

Please take care of yourself. It's not you. It's him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well that was short-lived I am being ignored again and the same day he started ignoring me he watched all of my stories on Instagram which is very confusing to me and I don’t think that this is what I want in whatever this was.
I feel like he very well could be suffering but I also feel like he is using this as an excuse to be an asshole.

For me at least, internet is safer then in person. It's easier. Personally, all of my family members are blocked out of my life but I sometimes look at their Facebook pages. I love them still and still, in a small way, want to be part of their lives. So maybe it's like that?

 

[IdkWhatToThink]

For me at least, internet is safer then in person. It's easier. Personally, all of my family members are blocked out of my life but I sometimes look at their Facebook pages. I love them still and still, in a small way, want to be part of their lives. So maybe it's like that?

It’s possible. I feel like by speculating I’m just giving myself false hope. He didn’t even have Instagram until he met me and I’m the only person he follows...so viewing them was atleast intentional. I’m not going to block him but it hurts to see that he’s curious but he still doesn’t want to reach out. I’m just sad about all the “could have” beens. Feeling a major dopamine crash. I want to message him and tell him how my feelings are hurt but I’m not going to say anything at all and just go on with my life. I had such low expectations from the beginning anyway. I always attract this type of man, probably my own low self esteem they sniff out and latch onto

 

[Freida]

The thing that pissed me off the most about my situation was that whenever he isolated, I lost my right to have a voice in our relationship

this ^^^ was something the supporters here taught me -- because it had never occurred to me. And ya - when I'm in a mood I make decisions about what I"M going to do. Hubby doesn't get a vote.

And it never dawned on me that maybe that was a bad thing

Well until I came here anyway!