OneToughCookie
Silver Member
I grew up in a highly abusive environment, have dated two abusive boyfriends, and been sexually assaulted twice. I've done intense work to manage my flashbacks, lose compulsive behaviors, etc., and am in a really good place right now.
I just started dating someone who also had abusive parents. He doesn't know about emotional flashbacks, although he has them in times of stress. I just told him about Pete Walker's book, but I'd love some advice in how I can support him. So far I know to give him tons of massages, affection, and encouragement; give myself tons of self-care; ask questions; share how I'm feeling; listen for emotions; and be proactive about tasks so they're not a problem on tough days. Is there anything else all you wonderful supporters have found helpful?
Also, I'm really nervous about some aspects of the relationship. One is sleeping together. I have narcolepsy, and take an extremely strong sedative to sleep. It's so strong that I could be raped in my sleep and not know it. The sedative usually keeps my nightmares out of my awareness, but I'm afraid they'll be worse if I sleep with him in my bed in a position that triggers me in such a vulnerable state. I've had partial flashbacks, but I'm afraid I'm going to remember everything. Another is having sex. I've had sex once since the sexual assaults, and it was totally fine, but I did check out for part of it. How did you broach these subjects with your significant others, and was there anything you could do to avoid retraumatization? He's extremely kind and empathetic, so I'm not worried about him expecting too much or having difficulty communicating. I plan on going very slowly, and starting with things like receiving a massage, but I would like at some point reclaim a normal sex life. Was that possible for any of you with sexually abused partners?
I just started dating someone who also had abusive parents. He doesn't know about emotional flashbacks, although he has them in times of stress. I just told him about Pete Walker's book, but I'd love some advice in how I can support him. So far I know to give him tons of massages, affection, and encouragement; give myself tons of self-care; ask questions; share how I'm feeling; listen for emotions; and be proactive about tasks so they're not a problem on tough days. Is there anything else all you wonderful supporters have found helpful?
Also, I'm really nervous about some aspects of the relationship. One is sleeping together. I have narcolepsy, and take an extremely strong sedative to sleep. It's so strong that I could be raped in my sleep and not know it. The sedative usually keeps my nightmares out of my awareness, but I'm afraid they'll be worse if I sleep with him in my bed in a position that triggers me in such a vulnerable state. I've had partial flashbacks, but I'm afraid I'm going to remember everything. Another is having sex. I've had sex once since the sexual assaults, and it was totally fine, but I did check out for part of it. How did you broach these subjects with your significant others, and was there anything you could do to avoid retraumatization? He's extremely kind and empathetic, so I'm not worried about him expecting too much or having difficulty communicating. I plan on going very slowly, and starting with things like receiving a massage, but I would like at some point reclaim a normal sex life. Was that possible for any of you with sexually abused partners?