Dealing with Anger and Negative Emotions in a Marriage

cntrymom08466

Confident
I have to drive my husband around now because he just had shoulder surgery. We were going to Lowe's at Tulsa hills and he started yelling at me about something I did while driving. I let him go into Lowe's and I just sat in the car and cried the whole time. I felt so worthless. I even had thoughts of I wish I had a gun. I still don't feel good. I feel like I could cry some. I almost got out of car and walked home. I asked him when we were back on road, since I had told him I feel worthless still. I said why don't I ever hear a compliment from you. I don't mean just flowery praise or anything, just like I'm worth a lot to him or maybe I don't mean much. I just don't know anymore.
 
Just a few suggestions, and use what makes sense for you and ignore the rest if it doesn't apply:

You cannot control anyone's actions, responses or attitude, but you have control over your response to them.

Pick a time to talk when everyone is calm and set some ground rules for conversation: eg. No interrupting; don't use inflammatory statements like "You make" and keep it "I feel"; use paraphrasing of what was said to make sure there is understanding; and make sure there is an understanding the purpose is to improve communication and the relationship; etc.

PTSD make emotional regulation difficult and pain and injury does the same, so it isn't a great combination. Understanding, moving towards something better, learning and grace go a long way.

Hope this helps.
 
You could also set boundaires.
"I am not going to drive you if you yell at me "

Has he said sorry for yelling? I hope so.


Feeling like you want a gun is not a good place to be. I know the culture in US is very different than here in the UK, so there may be a cultural difference with this, but that sounds a very extreme reaction. Has he been yelling and treating you like this for a long time? If so, maybe he won't change? So, is this something you can continue with or is this not the type of relationship you want to be in any more?
 
You could also set boundaires.
"I am not going to drive you if you yell at me "

Has he said sorry for yelling? I hope so.


Feeling like you want a gun is not a good place to be. I know the culture in US is very different than here in the UK, so there may be a cultural difference with this, but that sounds a very extreme reaction. Has he been yelling and treating you like this for a long time? If so, maybe he won't change? So, is this something you can continue with or is this not the type of relationship you want to be in any more?
No he doesn't treat me like that usually. He said he didn't even realize he was yelling. I'm not used to emotions you might say. Then some get extreme. I think that was the biggest problem, is not regulating my emotions when they hit.

Just a few suggestions, and use what makes sense for you and ignore the rest if it doesn't apply:

You cannot control anyone's actions, responses or attitude, but you have control over your response to them.

Pick a time to talk when everyone is calm and set some ground rules for conversation: eg. No interrupting; don't use inflammatory statements like "You make" and keep it "I feel"; use paraphrasing of what was said to make sure there is understanding; and make sure there is an understanding the purpose is to improve communication and the relationship; etc.

PTSD make emotional regulation difficult and pain and injury does the same, so it isn't a great combination. Understanding, moving towards something better, learning and grace go a long way.

Hope this helps.
I'm not used to emotions. I was numb for a lot of years with my medication and not doing trauma treatment. Now I'm working on the trauma and it's just like my emtions are all of the place. Extreme at times.
 
Dealing with short tempered people in pain is a lot like dealing with a panic attack… it’s a skill.

If you haven’t had reasons to hone that skill? Because he’s not usually like that, and your own emotions have been blunted? Makes total sense you overreacted, took things personally, and tripped into trauma-land & dysreg.
What is dysregulation?
 
What is dysregulation?
Emotions that don’t rate.

Overreacting. Underreacting. Mountains out of molehills, volatile. Strangely calm, fluid, incongruous, bringing guns when they bring fists / bats, overkilll, underkill, reactive, touchy, out of control, what feels right doesn’t happen/ instead it’s this wild other thing, out of pocket / out of hand.
 
Emotions that don’t rate.

Overreacting. Underreacting. Mountains out of molehills, volatile. Strangely calm, fluid, incongruous, bringing guns when they bring fists / bats, overkilll, underkill, reactive, touchy, out of control, what feels right doesn’t happen/ instead it’s this wild other thing, out of pocket / out of hand.
It seems really over the top right now. I just started to cry over something at work and this morning over my just because he said something in a mean way and he was still tired. Ugh
 
I don't know why everything is setting me off right now. I'm so weepy. Anniversary of when ex was arrested is not until beginning of May. I just don't get it.
 
I don't know why everything is setting me off right now. I'm so weepy. Anniversary of when ex was arrested is not until beginning of May. I just don't get it.
Yep.

Regulated emotions = Happy? Smile. Sad? Frown. Big situations get big reactions, and smal ones, small reactions. Everything is in order. Regulated.

Dysregulated is all over the map. Totally incongruous to the situation. Out. Of. Control. The PTSD Rollercoaster. Not knowing how you’ll wake up, or react/respond to any given situation. Big reactions to small events. No reaction to big events. Firecrackers = nukes. Nukes = lemonade. Wild. Feral. Never knowing what’s next.
 
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